Monday, June 20, 2016

Donald Trump, the Emperor of Wine, Announces Trump International Tasting Sweepstakes!

You know what, there’s too many wine competitions. Too many, folks. And you know who’s running a lot of them? Newspapers! What the hell are newspapers doing running wine competitions? They don’t even have wine writers anymore. Really. There are no wine writers working at newspapers, not the real newspapers. There’s some at other papers, but they’re not real writers. Let’s face it, Lettie Teague is no Bill O’Reilly. By the way, Bill’s got a new book coming out about me. It’s called, “Killing the Republicans.” Gonna be YUGE!  And not only do the newspapers have wine competitions, they have wine clubs! Unbelievable. The New York Times has a wine club! I guess the motto is, “All the juice that’s fit to spit.” Yeah, that’s good. Though “Juice” kinda sounds like “Jews”, which is probably right.

Listen, if I told you how those wine competitions work, it would make you sick. They’re all fake, ladies and gentlemen. 100% bogus. Believe me, Donald Trump, your Emperor of Wine, knows fake. Those gold medals and platinum medals and Zirconium medals, they don’t mean anything! Or double gold medals. Can someone explain to me what a double gold medal is? They don’t have double gold medals at the Olympics, do they? What is that? You win the 100 meter dash, and get Zika virus? You know, speaking of the Olympics, I asked Melania to get a Brazilian, and now our maid speaks Portuguese. She’ll be a great First Lady. She'll be better than Dolly Madison, and with better donut holes. But I’m telling you, there’s no such thing as a double gold. Unless you’re talkin’ about my nuts.

So today, I, Donald Trump, your Emperor of Wine, am announcing the launch of my latest wine empire—the Trump International Tasting Sweepstakes. Believe me when I tell you this is going to be big. Really big. T.I.T.S. is going to be YUGE. We’re going to make wine competitions great again. This country needs one great wine competition, and I’m the guy who can make that happen. I’m going to beat all those other wine competitions like a rap star’s wife.

First of all, I’m going to have great judges. The greatest judges in the world. Those other wine competitions, they have terrible judges. Really. Most of them aren’t even very qualified. Or they’re really prejudiced, like that Mexican judge who hates me and thinks Trump University is a fraud. Listen, if I want to see a Mexican on the bench, I can go to my local park, there’s a hundred of ‘em, I don’t need to go to court. Anyway, all you have to do is look at the list of wine judges for any major wine competition and you’ll see what I mean. Who are these people? I don’t know a single one of them. Why do I care what they think about wine? They’re losers. Every one of them. And it’s the same losers at every competition! Some of these so-called judges judge at twenty or thirty competitions! That’s crazy. That’s not the America we want to live in. You don’t get to vote in thirty elections; you get one vote, if you’re lucky. It’s un-American the way wine competitions are run. Except they also don’t let anyone vote that’s poor and black. I get that. I get that.

TITS is going to have the greatest judges in the world. Big names. Names you recognize. Howard Stern. Yes. Howard Stern is going to be one of the wine judges. Charlie Sheen. I know, I know, Charlie Sheen! Big star. And knows about drinking, actually knows something about wine. Barbara Walters! Who can you trust more than Barbara Walters? No, she’s not dead. I know, I thought she was, too. See, these are the kind of people I’ll have judging TITS—Howard Stern and Charlie Sheen. And I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get Cosby, too. Man, don’t leave the room when you’re judging with the Cos, you never know what’s going to be in your wine when you get back. You wake up stuck with the Bill.

We don’t need any other wine competitions, we only need TITS. Once I get this thing going, I’m going to ban all the other wine competitions. They don’t belong in this country. We’ve put up with their tactics long enough. You walk into a store to buy a bottle of wine, and every bottle, every bottle, has a gold medal from somebody. It’s crazy. It’s insane. It’s like giving everyone in this country who works hard, the ones who weren’t even born here, citizenship. We don’t do that. If you’re not born here, you’re not American. Like Ted Cruz, and Obama, and Céline Dion—they’re not Americans, folks. They’re all Canadians, all born in Canadia. Though I love Céline Dion, especially with the Belmonts. And most of those wines at the store, the ones with gold medals? They’re not gold medal wines, folks. We give gold medals to every wine, we might as well allow Muslims to be citizens. And then what? You wake up one day and every city has a Ramadan Inn. Not on my watch.

Every wine that gets a gold medal from TITS is going to be fantastic. Fantastic. You can go to any store in the country, buy a wine that has a TITS gold medal, and it will be fantastic. In fact, I’m not going to call them “gold medals.” They’re going to be “Donalds.” Mark my words, by next year, every winery in the world is going to be bragging that their wine got a Donald. There aren’t going to be any silvers or bronzes. Who the hell cares about a silver medal? If you’re a winery, why are you bragging that you got a silver medal? That’s like bragging that you’re a woman. Yeah, it’s fine, it’s slightly better than nothing, but it’s not a Donald! It’s second best at best. Never brag about a silver medal. You’re just not good enough. You’re a loser. Your wine is like Ben Carson. Why is it even here?

The Trump International Tasting Sweepstakes is going to have more entries than any other wine competition. By a lot. I’m thinking 25,000 entries. That’s every wine on the planet that we’re going to judge. Every wine. And that’s just for starters. And only the greatest wines in the world are going to be given a Donald. Nothing pink. I promise you, nothing pink is going to get a Donald. Wine is red or white, not pink. And not orange. Nothing good is orange. Except my hair. It’s wine writers who gave us so much pink wine and orange wine, and there won’t be any wine writers judging TITS, though most stare at them like they’re aliens. Orange wine! What is that? Yeah, they screwed up red wine by making it pink, so now they have to screw up white wine by making it orange. No Donalds. I promise you.

While I'm Emperor of Wine there won’t be any more wine competitions. Those no-name wine judges will all be homeless. Well, that’s no big deal, most of them are now. But you’ll be able to go to the store, find a wine that won a Donald, and know that it will be the most fantastic wine you ever tasted. And everyone will know what a great American you are, that you support Trump, that you’re the kind of American who put Donald in his mouth, and swallowed.


Matthew Hayes said...

Sprry, cross pond loss - what are donut holes?

Charlie Olken said...

I've never believed in hitting a person when he is down, but, in this case, it is OK to make an exception. Donald may be the gift that keeps on giving but he will be gone soon enough--come November we won't have the Donald to kick around.

jock said...

Hilarious. In fact I gave it a Double Hilarious but apparently that is not allowed.

David Fish said...

That hits every branch on the hurt tree... but you have, absolutely, captured Donald ' s spirit (or lack thereof).

David Pears said...

Nice piece, Hosemaster. Love the double gold medal line. If we follow this line of thought, I guess there will be a lot of "Low-energy" wines.

Quizicat said...

That was Yuuuuge! But only Trump wines will win this competition. And not that Cimicky imposter stuff. It's not American.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Donut holes are at the top of the American pyramid of junk food! "Dolly Madison" is a company that makes all sorts of treats for the Aspiring Diabetic, one of which is a lump of sugary dough, round and cakey, deep-fried in death, that claims to be the center of the donut--the donut hole. It may be my least favorite thing with "hole" in the name.

I wanted to go to the Trump well one more time. I crank out 50 comedy posts every year, and every now and then I just want an easy one. I intended for this piece to be more about how wine competitions work, but once I slipped into Trump's Voice, the piece went where he wanted it to go. That's actually the fun of writing in a character's Voice other than the HoseMaster's. I'm never sure where it's going. I'm as much along for the ride as the reader. I had a Lo Hai Qu piece in mind, but I'm way out of practice for her Voice, and I didn't have the time to get back into her. So the Donald showed up instead.

It's frustrating how relatively dull the wine world is compared to, say, politics, or show biz. Is there any aspect of the biz I haven't covered in the past five years? Coming up with topics, finding things to write about humorously, thinking of new angles to take on wine subjects, gets frustrating. Using Trump's voice is like a week off. Though it still takes a lot of time and thought, it takes less creative thinking than usual. Creative thinking--not a Trump thing.

Thomas said...

"Is there any aspect of the biz I haven't covered in the past five years?"

Yes. You haven't covered all the sexual shenanigans that take place in th ehotel after a competition ends and the judges are let loose without a spouse nearby. Of course, it wouldn't require a lot of space, but you asked only if there is anything you haven't covered.

Oh, a perfect Trumpian voice. This was my favorite of your throwaway lines: "Though I love Céline Dion, especially with the Belmonts."

I wonder how many younguns on heah got it.

Finally, Trump's local park is Central Park. You can't count the benches on which rest immigrant asses--until they raise the height of the wall around the park.

Marcia Macomber said...

Touché, Thomas! Well played!

My, that is The Donald in a nutshell (since he is a nut)!

Saw this over the weekend, which seems to capture it all so perfectly:

The T.I.T.S. competition. Perfect! YUGE!

Aaron said...

These are doughnut holes Basically think of your classic doughnut with the middle missing. doughnut holes represent that missing bit in the middle.

OMG, that is so on point! Thanks for sharing :)

Well played, another double! Both Trump AND the proliferation of crazy, more or less meaningless wine competitions :)

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
You do Trump too well. Freaks me out a little but unlike Sir Charles up there, I am all about hitting that swollen bag of festering hatred and arrogance, down or not down. Is Trump going to pose with every bottle given a Donald? I'd think the wineries would be all over that, in his tiny little hands every bottle looks like a magnum.
I love you!

Boo Walker said...

You are a genius. Thanks for the great laugh.

AyTee said...

Ron, You have disproved the theory that the Trump candidacy has rendered satire redundant.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
That's a thought! What winery wouldn't want a plug from the Donald, aside from most of them? I love you, too!

Hardly a genius, but thanks.

Satire is what matters in times like these. Nothing topples the pompous like laughter. Thanks for chiming in.

Till said...

Didn't get past the first paragraph before needing eyeglass wipes for my monitor. Incredibly Trumpian funny, and the best respite from punishing heat here in the SoCal desert - you rock, Hosie!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Oh, that's so sweet, thank you. Glad to give you a laugh. It's damned hot up here in Healdsburg, too, though "only" 94. No match for the tinderbox down your way. Stay cool, and why aren't you here more often?

Writing in Trump's voice is so much fun for a satirist. He's the classic narcissist. I've been pondering a Hillary sort of post, but she's much harder to do. And wouldn't be as much fun. I may just keep the Donald as a recurring HoseMaster character even after he loses in November.

Tom Ferrell said...

Thanks for the belly laughs. It will be hard to wait until after the elections to hear more from the Donald, particularly now that he is visiting Europe and he will likely push T.I.T.S with Decanter or maybe his old pal Hardy Rodenstock. (You're right it IS too easy, but then what's wrong with easy?)