Monday, November 14, 2016

I'm Sorry I Didn't Run for President


I’m sorry. It’s my fault. My wife wouldn’t let me run for President of the United States, and now look what’s happened. And, yes, I already asked, she won’t let me be nominated for the Supreme Court either. I should spend more time cleaning the house is what she thinks. The House and the Senate is what I think. I’m sorry. I let everybody down.

I would have won. There’s no reason I wouldn’t have. I have plans. I’m for the little guy, the forgotten people. I can lie like I’m the spawn of Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity. If I were Pinocchio, my nose would be in a different zip code. But I would have won because of my vision. Make America Great Again? What is that? That’s just nostalgia. And like all nostalgia, it’s stupid. I can’t believe people fell for that. Well, white people. Who knew the albino vote would swing an election? Great, now we have a President who put the “pig” in “pigment.” Let’s just hope he doesn’t put the “dick” in “dictator.” Unless it’s in Putin.

I had policies I was ready to debate. I had some money left over in my GoFundMe account I could have used to run my campaign. I had Roederer Award money, which is like MacArthur Genius Grant money—if you live in Botswana. I was ready to run. And now my plans to Make America America Again (catchy, right!) are all for naught.

Imagine this. I would have banned all imported wines from the United States. There are too many foreign wines competing for shelf space in this country. Why are we buying wines from foreign countries? What does that do for us? OK, the ones that are already here, fine, they can stay. You’d have a month to drink them all, and then that’s it. No more new ones coming in. Believe me, you wouldn’t miss them. Let’s keep America’s wine money in America!

You’re not going to miss Port. Let’s face it, Port is the stupidest wine of them all. Tawny, Ruby, LBV…sounds like backup singers for Tony Orlando. We don’t need Port. Having a cellar full of Port is like having a cellar full of teenage hostages—you’re just a weirdo. And we don’t need Champagne either. We have perfectly fine sparkling wines made in America. Ever had Sparkling Catawba? All you have to do is drink a Sparkling Catawba and you’ll never want Champagne again. It will cure you of wanting any sparkling wine again. I think they use that stuff to induce cat abortions.

To make America America again, we have to stop importing wines. Who the hell needs Shiraz? What the hell is Shiraz? It’s just Syrah. Shiraz is Syrah’s rap name. Fershizzle. We don’t need that in America. If we need cheap gooey red wines, we can buy Apothic. It’s great, now every case of Apothic comes with its own insulin injection. Every wine made in a foreign country is made better right here in the USA. We don’t need Burgundy, we have the Williamette Valley, the King of Pinot Noir regions. Hail Oregon, long may it reign Côtes. We don’t need German wines, we have Michigan Riesling. Drink Michigan Riesling—the state is full of unemployed Kabinett makers. There’s absolutely no reason to drink wine from Chile either. Which goes without saying.

I also believe that what this country really needs is a much stronger three-tier distribution system. Only idiots want to dismantle the three-tier system. That system supports countless American wine salespeople, many of them otherwise unhireable alcoholics. Under my presidency, I’d add several tiers. Two or three, anyway. What the hell, maybe another ninety-three! Put ? and the Mysterions back to work with 96 tiers. This country doesn’t need to cut out the middlemen! I’m for the middlemen. We need more middlemen. Middlemen made this country great. Think Ozzie Smith and Dick Butkus. Think Anthony Weiner. The wine industry needs more levels of protection for the consumer, more middlemen making money from the at least five-tier distribution system. Let’s put Americans back to work. Wine is expensive. The more people who take a cut of the action the better. Lining the pockets of rich winery owners with only three tiers has to stop. In my country, it’s five tiers at the very least. Honestly, after this election, don’t you think we’ve shed enough tiers?

In my administration, everyone would have a voice. Regardless of race, religion, or income, I would seek to find a way so that everyone would have the means to take a seat at the table. I even have a sensible plan to achieve that. I call it the Affordable Chair Act. Cheap chairs for everybody so that you can sit at the table. You cannot be denied an Affordable Chair because of pre-existing conditions, like a negative stool sample. All Americans would be taken care of. Under my plan, also, every American would be guaranteed a nice bottle of wine with every meal, and we’d make the wineries pay for it! Man, I wish my wife would have let me run.

Immediately upon assuming the Presidency, after my legendary Inaugural Address, and my stirring rendition of Paul Anka’s “Havin’ My Baby,” I would remove all Government Warning labels on wine. The government has no business intruding on our enjoyment of getting completely shitfaced. No more “Contains Sulfites.” Sulfites don’t harm anyone, except people with severe sulfite allergies, and, believe me, we’re better off without most of them. They’re the weakest in the herd, and, anyway, they’ll get an Affordable Chair no matter what. Much of the problem with the country’s crumbling infrastructure is that on every bottle of wine we tell people not to operate heavy machinery after drinking wine! That’s lunacy! That’s costing Americans jobs. Get that warning off of our wine labels! I don’t care if the guy operating the bulldozer had a glass of Prosecco at lunch, just get the goddam road paved. And why are we telling pregnant women not to drink wine on the label? How is that the government’s business? OK, maybe they shouldn’t drink wines from the Languedoc because their child may be born with Fitou Alcohol Syndrome, but we’re banning foreign wines, so that’s not a good argument. No more government warning labels on wine!

I’m also tired of the push for vineyards and wines to be organic. We need to spray more chemicals, not fewer. How did the priorities in our country get so screwed up that we care more about micro-organisms than the people we employ to spray our crops, our homes, our children? You want wines to taste better? Take the handcuffs off the people who make them. Let them add some flavor to their dull, manufactured wine, don’t make it a crime to add raspberry Jell-O to Meiomi Pinot Noir, that’s what people want! The natural wine movement is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese government aimed at taking down our American chemical industry, the very backbone of our economy. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t ban natural wines. Just the people who make them.

I’ve got four years to talk my wife into letting me run for President. I want to Make America America Again. Trust me, folks, the wine establishment is scared to death I’d win. But no more than I am.

29 comments:

Paul Moe said...

? How many will get that?

Thomas said...

The Mysterions--a perfect reference for a presidency based on warm-lit, baseless nostalgia.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Paul,
It doesn't matter in the least how many get a reference. Hell, I don't understand half the references, I just toss them in. Sort of like stale croutons. Say, whatever happened to ?

Thomas,
I wasn't going for perfect. I was going for stupid. Which also works.

gbgolfer71 said...

While your policy proposals make as much sense, or more, than The Donald's I'm afraid that you would have been doomed to lose the election - You have forgotten the Beer Drinker vote.

Neil Shea said...

Ron, then after 2 yrs into yer term there will be talks of impeachment. Gotta explain that

Ron Washam, HMW said...

gbgolfer,
Ah, that's what you think. My Vice President is a Clydesdale.

Neil,
Don't underestimate me. It won't take six months before there are impeachment talks. The press will call it Riedelgate.

Warren said...

You failed to provide a list of Supreme Court nominees. Wouxld Robert Parker be at the top?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Warren,
No. Not Parker. It's a step down from Emperor to Supreme Court Justice. Is there a law that says I can't nominate myself?

Ingo Grady said...

Today's post is just what the world needs, thanks HoseMaster. Mondays are good again as the riotous laughter escaping from my office leaves colleagues questioning my sanity, especially in light of last week's events. Uncensored satire might be the only remedy for the public affairs dilemma now confronting the world.

Charlie Olken said...

I am slowly working my way through the five stages of grief. Humor should help but why am I still at the denial stage?

Leo Ferrando said...

Ron for Presidente !

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Ingo,
Thanks for the kind words. My fallback response to tragedy is comedy. If I can make a few folks laugh, or even myself, then the going gets a little easier.

Charlie,
You're not the only one I've heard from who felt unable to laugh at the current situation. A friend reminded me of the old curse, "May you live in interesting times." Well, here we are, in interesting times. Makes writing about wine seem rather silly, doesn't it? And yet we endure.

Leo,
Only if I can work from home.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,

Okay, now I am going to have to run against you. I have to deal with friends and family being marginalized, sexual harassment being "No big deal" you know, just as silly as climate change, and trying to explain how we voted The Cheeto Jesus into the highest position in the land to my friends around the world, I AM NOT drinking American wine while I do! Dammit.
I needed this after hearing about Bannon received his bag of silver in the form of Chief Strategist. So have you heard this one? A racist, a bigot and an anti-Semite walk into the white house. Yeah, really fucking horrible joke right?!
Deflated and in need of lots of Champagne and Chablis
I love you.

Thomas said...

Sam:

Unfortunately, there is no seeming end to it: Rudy might become the Attorney General, although I hear the arrogant law and order man has designs on being the Secretary of State!

Everything happening politically in Europe and here is like a replay of the 1930s build up to WWII. Followers of demagogues and fascists have no idea they sign their own death sentences. Trouble is, it takes time for it all to shake out, not to mention inordinate levels of personal pain.

I'm with Charlie. It's difficult to laugh these days.

David Fish said...

Ron,

I read every word- but it is the line "Shiraz is Syrah’s rap name. Fershizzle..." which will haunt my dreams.

Cheers!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
Oddly, I never really viewed this piece as political. It was more a personal reaction against giving in to despair. There are far smarter people than I writing about the situation. You and I agree on everything. And I'd sure as hell vote for you over the HoseMaster.

There's a temptation to write a rant, or an essay, about the nightmare results of the election. While I'm not an historian like Thomas, I've been saying that I feel like I am on a plane that was hijacked while on its way to somewhere lovely and is being flown into a building by the hijackers. They must know they go in the Inferno, too. Right? And me without my parachute.

I love you, too, Gorgeous. I just show up here once a week and try to elicit a few chuckles. Some days, well, it just ain't happenin'.

Amy Christine said...

"Think Anthony Weiner"... must I?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Amy!
Must you? Nay, thou mustn't. But, you know, Love, where there are Losers, there must also be Weiners.

kleigh said...

Oh Ron, thank you for this. I've been depressed as hell and this post had me laughing a very loud obnoxious laugh for a sustained few minutes. Pretty impressive draw considering the state of the world. Bless you and you have my vote...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

kleigh,
You're welcome, and thank you for laughing and telling me you did. In the darkest hours, all we have is laughter as our last remnant of hope. If just for a moment the grief and anger vanish in a smile or a guffaw, then we're a bit more human and hopeful.

gabriel jagle said...

well, you have no experience, no plan, and only appeal to a small subset of weirdoes.
to paraphrase the president-elect, "you're hired!"

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Gabe,
Hell, I'm not even qualified to write a wine blog. But I won an Award! I'm especially good at things I'm not qualified to do. I should have been a winemaker.

Unknown said...

Perfect tone, pitch on and just what I needed in a week without any laughs. You have my vote Mister Hosemaster!

Marcia Macomber said...

Oh, thank Gawd to that post! We're all grabbing on to the bits and pieces of humor that get through. "Make America America Again!" I second that notion particularly since the America we thought we knew vanished overnight. (Is it hiding? Under a rock, probably, given the emerging administration...as if any administering is going on...lol)

Thank you. Needed that. (But please keep all the wine flowing from near and far. No walls to keep the wine out!)

Barbara Devine said...

Thanks, Ron. It was the first time I have laughed since the election! I am reminded of laughs at the Night Watch. one night I wore make-up and dressed more conservatively than usual and you told me, "You look like someone's mother!" That had me in stitches all night. ( i was still being carded when ordering drinks at that time.)xo

Andy Perdue said...

i needed a laugh today because there is nothing funny about the hospital.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Andy,
Oh no! Hope you're doing OK. I hope I'm the only one having you in stitches. Take care, my friend. Get well, if that applies.

Andy Perdue said...

oh, it applies

Wine Country Geographic said...

Have you thought about which cabinet position you might try for instead?