Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Seven Wine Blogs to Be Avoided at All Costs
Forbes.com, from the magazine for folks who brought down the American economy, recently published a list of seven Must Read Wine Blogs. Naturally, this amounted to a list of the usual suspects. I was reminded of the great Woody Guthrie song, "This Bland is Your Bland, This Bland is My Bland..." But it's what one would expect from a pedestrian and dull publication that no one reads or quotes unless they've come out with their list of the world's wealthiest people, or, as I like to call them, Republicans--a pedestrian and dull list of wine blogs.
Do these seven Must Read Wine Blogs really need the help of Forbes? They've already got thousands of readers monthly. My readership hasn't increased an iota since I started this masturbatory meditation on all things wine. Not that I can tell anyway. I haven't the vaguest idea how to measure readership. I just go by the personal hate mail I receive, and, well, that's about the same. But I'm thinking of spamblocking my family. Wouldn't it have been nice if Forbes.com had shown a little initiative and highlighted seven Wine Blogs that Ought to Be Avoided at All Costs? You know HoseMaster of Wine would have been at the top of that list, though almost everyone already successfully avoids it. But the thought got me to thinking, what are the seven Wine Blogs that Ought to Be Avoided at All Costs? Which would you choose? Here's my list.
I don't know, does the world need wine reviews written by the president of the local chapter of NAMBLA? Sure, priests know about wine, but, really, all the guy likes is the really young stuff. The wines too. The mind boggles at his reviews, though I did think he was pretty perceptive about the Rodney Strong samples the winery sent him. But it is creepy that his favorite winery is Mounts.
I was searching online for information about motivational speaker James Arthur Ray, you know, the guy who killed three people in a sweat lodge in Sedona (which breaks the old record of two set by Suzanne Somers and several beavers), and it turns out he also has a wine blog! Who knew?! It's mostly focused on Madeira. Obviously. I like his take on Madeira, actually. Ray thinks you should drink it till you puke. Then die. But I'd avoid this wine blog, it's just a rehash of Alice Fiering.
OK, at first I thought this was the BrixChix blog, but it's actually a blog written by an Inuit (a tribe closely related to the tribe of wine bloggers, the Iduits). This blog centers around the search for the perfect wine to pair with blubber. While occasionally enlightening, the post about the 27 different words the Inuit have for "shitfaced" is revelatory (wow, Shankenfaced, really?), the relentless descriptions of eating blubber gets a little nauseating. But it turns out the perfect wine to accompany blubber is Kistler Chardonnay. Shocked my blowhole.
You just don't want to go here. Trust me. Sure, it's interesting to hear that Yellow Tail is perfect with earwax, and that when trying to find the perfect wine for toejam it's best to put it on crackers, and that bougars need residual sugar, but, honestly, don't go there. Really, isn't Two Buck Upchuck going a little too far? Is this the democratization of wine reviewing we're looking for? On the other hand, the guy's a better writer than Harvey Steiman.
There's just nothing new here at all. This wine blogger coaches new wine bloggers on the fine art of getting drunk on a budget by printing up cheapass business cards on your home computer so that you can drink for free in tasting rooms all over the country, by soliciting free samples from desperate wineries (he actually provides a list of Sucker Wineries that have marketing consultants who would send free wine to a dung beetle if he had a wine blog), by bluffing your way into industry tastings with your imaginary blog credentials, and by kissing the egotistical butt of every winery owner in Napa Valley. It's a blatant Vinography ripoff.
Oh boy, what do I say about this turkey? The woman who writes this blog, Landa DaLost, is a "natural" woman. From her photograph, it's apparent she's got hair growing in more places than Al Qaeda. And she's not afraid to show it. If you blur your eyes, she looks like a breeding ground for echidnas. Landa only reviews natural wines, of course, and the more organic, the more Biodynamic, the more vegan, the better. And we're talking ripe. Landa, not the wines. But this is just another stupid blog about "natural" wines, and God knows we're all sick to death of that crap.
Wine Library TV
Oh, man, what the hell is this? Some strange little man on a cheap set hopping around like he's leashed to an organ grinder describing wine in ways that can only be described as ludicrous and goofy. Definitely stole my act. Guy should be a wine judge.