Welcome to HoseMaster of Wine! Make yourselves comfortable. Would you like a drink? Sure, I've got wine. I'll open any of those free samples I have stacked up over there. You know, those samples remind me of my wine blog--they're both an endless parade of crap. No, no, it's no bother. I know, there are way better samples at Heimoff's house, but I won't make you tell me how much you admire me. Oh, wait, just a second, I need to find the right wine glass for your selection. Hmm, you mean Riedel doesn't make a Wines We Can't Sell Glass? They ought to.
So, while I have all eleven of you here (why, it's like you're a football team, only with far worse head trauma) let me show you around. You can get kind of lost in here, I know I have. Now, over there on your left you have my brief autobiography. Sure, it's impressive, but hardly comprehensive. I know that you want to award the Best Writing on a Wine Blog trophy to someone with prestige, someone with talent, someone who will make you look like you actually know what you're talking about even though you were selected based on how you look in an evening gown (I told you to wear that plunging neckline, Tom Wark, aren't you glad now?), so let me add to my autobiography that I recently was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Blogging. I know, I know, it doesn't carry the prestige of the Wine Blog Awards, but what does? I mean, I haven't wanted a prize this much since my last box of Cracker Jack. And when you think about it, Cracker Jack and the Wine Blog Awards have a lot in common. Both prizes are buried in corn and nuts. You can bet on the corn to win. (That was for you, Tommy Boy.)
And aside from the Pulitzer Prize, I've also won the James Beard Award for Blogger Who Most Closely Resembles James Beard (though I just edged out one of the BrixChicks) and a MacArthur Genius Grant, which I had to return when they found out I had borrowed my IQ points from Jay McInerney and they were forgeries. I should have known, I always get stupider after I read his wine pieces. Anyhow, I would make a most distinguished recipient of the Best Writing on a Wine Blog Award. And, so you know, I have a stunning Valentino to wear to the awards banquet.
Now, right below my overly humble autobiography, you'll find the quotes about my wine blog from major publications and critics. I refer to this as the "rest room." And, here, once again, I've modestly left out some other notable quotes:
"If HoseMaster of Wine were a wine, it would be discarded for having too much volatile acidity and being overly bitter."--Robert Parker (1947-2009)
"Washam is so funny I forgot to laugh."--Alder Yarrow, Vornography
"There's only one blog I would never miss. I just wish Washam would go away so I could prove it."--Eric Asimov, The Poor
So making me a finalist, with an asterisk, maybe, to note that you think I'm the best choice, would seem to be a popular concept.
How about a refill of those drinks? Yeah, I know, the wines suck, but, hey, they're free and I'll be praising them in an upcoming post, just to show I'm a regular kind of blogger.
Just a little way down the hall from the rest room is where I list other blogs that I think worthy of my eight readers' attention. OK, in fact, these are my eight readers. They probably deserve some kind of nomination too, but, I wouldn't know, I never read them. Recommended blog lists don't actually imply that you read these other blogs. Hell, no, what would be the point of that? No, recommended blog lists are the vestigial organ of a wine blog. They serve no actual purpose and get no use. They are an appendix in every sense of the word. They're coccyx and tonsils for suckers (oh, you know who you are, coccyx suckers). No one ever clicks on them, except for very lonely, very scary people. But having them removed is painful and unpleasant, so we just leave them there forever. But you knew that.
Just beyond the library of blogs is where all my Followers congregate. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NEVER GO IN THERE! It's my little Abu Ghraib, and, well, you probably don't want to know those people or know what goes on in there. Let's just say I have a legal opinion in my possession that says Hoseboarding is not torture under the Geneva convention.
So there you have it, my little slice of Heaven. Kind of cozy, ain't it? I hope you had a nice time here. Feel free to wander around in the archives, or as I like to call them, the septic tank. I think when you're finished here you're going to want to make me a finalist for the Best Writing on a Wine Blog Award.
To help seal the deal, just sit tight, I'll be right back. I want to slip into something a little more comfortable. If I'm not back in ten minutes, meet me in the bedroom. I've got some Boner in a Can I'd like to show you.
After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.
What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine
"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..." --Robert Parker
"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."
"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."
"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"...that guy Hosemaster has real talent...if you ask me sign him up for Comedy Central...he's the funniest guy since Adam Carolla's hilarious book...IN 50 YEARS WE WILL ALL BE CHICKS..."
"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion." --Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine
"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."
"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."
--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times
"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."
--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences
"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."
"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."
--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"
"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."
--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"
"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."