Thursday, April 22, 2010

The HoseMaster Calendar of Events

In skipping around the wine blogosphere reading other wine blogs, something I was forced to do recently when I inadvertently swallowed some rat poison sent to me as a winery sample and the bottle said to induce vomiting, I noticed that many of our "top" wine bloggers, and by "top" I mean most self-absorbed, fill posts with announcements of wine events. This is a public service to no one, but when you only have one thing to say and four posts a week wherein to say it, it's a necessity. Whether you're Alder going on and on about, well, Vinography and how it's the most valuable wine blog in America, certainly worth more than the amount of talent put into it, which is pocket change, or Dr. Vino, the Reader's Digest of wine blogs, the kind of wine blog you might read in a doctor's office, ironically, right after you finished the latest edition of "Highlights for Children" and wanted something easier to read, a Calendar of Events is the best filler since Styrofoam peanuts, and just as satisfying. But, hey, I get it, I've got nothing to say. I was going to write a post about Robert Parker in order to attract lots of comments, but then my email was flooded with upcoming wine events that I thought my loyal HoseMaster readers should know about. I think these are events you won't want to miss.

All-Star Tribute to HR Bill 5034, May 1st

Here is an event everyone will want to attend. As you may know, HR 5034 is an attempt by the
Beer and Wine Wholesalers of America to destroy every winery in America; it's a totally unnecessary bill since this is something wineries themselves manage to do just fine. It has created outrage in many quarters of the wine business, particularly those quarters who have been trying to do the same thing for many years--winery marketing people, critics using the 100 point scale and other predatory insects. The highlight of this gathering on May 1st will be Fermentation's Tom Wark reading aloud the story of "Chicken Little" accompanied by a chorus of wine bloggers portraying Goosey Loosey, Turkey Lurkey, and all the other domesticated animals (a classic example of typecasting) who will run around the stage at Tom's command and yell, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling..." Don't forget the date. Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

The First Annual Wines That All Taste The Same Expo, May 15th

Here is an idea whose time has come. Gathered under one roof are representatives of major wine regions whose wines all taste the same. It's a chance for critics and enthusiasts alike to taste hundreds of examples of wines and write only one tasting note. In the New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc Pavilion, sixty producers will serve the same wine from sixty different bottles. Can you spot the differences? Yes, that's a kiwi on that label, and, absolutely correct, that's a kea on the other! Most people think a kea is a Korean car! You're good at this! Don't forget to wander over to the Austrian Gruner Veltliner Tent where you'll be able to taste Gruners from more than forty producers, all with incomprehensible labels. This is a rare treat to taste dozens of wines that all deserve 83 point scores and a single tasting note--"Dippity Doo!" When you're finished with the whites, stroll over to the Lodi Holiday's Zin Hotel (oh, those Lodi punsters!) for dozens of fresh baked brownies in a glass. Don't forget to spit! Somehow, I don't think that will be a problem. Also featured, the Wines of Maremma ("We're oh so Maremmarable!") and Australia's Most Expensive Shirazes ("From Dead Arms to Dead Palates").

Germany's Wine Exposition, May 29th

Modeled after the wildly successful Vinitaly, you won't want to miss this gathering of the best German Riesling producers--VinDiesel!

Wine Bloggers Benefit Auction, June 24th

Oh, you won't want to miss this! As part of the Wine Bloggers Conference (or, as its more commonly known, Oodles of Poodles) there will be an auction of valuable items from world famous bloggers. The proceeds will be donated to their favorite charity, the Wine Bloggers Conference. Auction attendees will be able to bid on remarkable collectibles such as an autographed copy of Alice Feiring's latest book, "The Battle for Wine and Puffs, or How I Saved the World from Charlie Parkerization," the clothes 1WineDude was wearing when he first met Steve Heimoff (should fit your son's GI Joe), signed photos from Alfonso Cevola of On the Wine Trail in Italy (of him and all the Trail Micks), a complete set of seven hundred commas from one post of Samantha Sans Dosage, Tom Wark has several wedding cakes you can bid on (all of them with three tiers) and, my contribution, a self-portrait of the HoseMaster--video from my recent colonoscopy.


Anonymous said...

Damnit!!! I was going to announce the "Sky Is Falling" event

Daaaammnnnn Yoouuuuu, Hosemaster!!!!

...Tom Wark...

Alfonso Cevola said...

I have just heard from Dustin Hoffman. He will Emcee but he wont read.

Puff Daddy said...

You forgot the following events.

Corks Like Baby Jesus Day, in which bloggers display all the stoppers they have collected with faces of famous people formed by the imperfections in the cork. They are also allowed to show off their burnt toast collections.

EBay Day, on which 32 Napa Valley wineries auction off their excess inventory while trying to stave off bankruptcy. Winning bidders also get an autographed picture of Robert Lawrence Balzer whose writings are used as examples by bloggers to this day.

Save The Earth Day, when bloggers get together to plant a tree to honor the most popular blogger in the universe.

Bribe Steve Heimoff Day, on which Alfonso Cevola gives $20 to every writer who volunteers to ask Steve Heinmoff for his autograph in exchange for the twenty bucks. Rumor has it that this day may be cancelled because Heimoff has a bad habit of keeping the bribes.

Bloggers Taste Blind Day, on which every blogger in the country is sent two bottles of wine by the Rodney Strong Winery in exchange for their promise to taste the wine blind, when, in fact, they never do--a trick they apparently learned from Robert Parker.

Hosemaster For A Day Day, during which bloggers are excused from having to say something nice but meaningless about everything that moves.

Adopt A Blogger Day. This event was started recently at the Wine Writers Symposium when I adopted 1WineDude. I still don't know his real name so I just call him Joe for short.

Sip with Me! said...

Thanks for doing your doody with this PSA. I know there's some events I surely won't miss, being a poodle and all. As always, you're an inspriation. My own contribution to the auction: For anyone who's ever wanted to Sip with Me - a gorgeous bottle with a really special label of already-been-sipped wine, sipped especially by you know who.

Samantha Dugan said...

Well I will have you know that I after an exhausting audition, (and really Tom was the force feeding of mayonnaise really necessary? I understand authenticity and all but Jesus man) I narrowly edged out Hardy Wallace and landed the role of Goosey Loosey. It is a very proud day indeed and I for one am honored to do my part to stop the H1N1 bill thingie.

Yes, I was willing to donate my commas, it was, difficult to part with them, I do love them so, but, you forgot to mention, that those commas with be framed with my beloved " " and presented in a pair of my crunched crunders...

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Ah, nothing more satisfying than scooping the master. And for your reading of "Chicken Little" I wish you the best of cluck.


You're on a "Tootsie" roll!

Puff Daddy,

Wow, you've morphed into Anonymous 1! I just didn't have the space to list all the upcoming events in the wine biz. Of course, wine blogging has nothing to do with the actual wine biz. Wine Blogs are the Fantasy Baseball of wine geeks. I knew I shouldn't have drafted Hardy Wallace--too many errors.

Tamara, aka Sippy Baby,

Very generous of you. But, boy, I hope it's not some crappy Oregon wine.

My Gorgeous, Samantha,,,

I just don't see you, as, "Goosey Loosey." Maybe Skunky Drunky...

And the price of your, crunders, ought to be, amazing...Charlie and I in a bidding war. But I expect I'll be able to, pull down those "Crunders."

Man, don't you get tired doing that?

I love you!

Samantha Dugan said...

Skunky?! Drunky I can live with but Skunky?! Note to self, "Keep your tail away from The HoseMaster"...

King Krak, I Smell the Stench said...

I cannot believe you left off your list:

Two-Buck Chuck's Taste-a-Thong

For shame, Hosemaster, for shame.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Oh, boy, comedy is ugly. I thought for sure you'd call me Chimpy Limpy.

Note to self--sell Boner in a Can supply on Ebay.

I love you so!

Arthur said...

Uh-oh. Jack from forkandbottle is now commenting (and using an obscure reference to a legendary Polish king as his name).
One of the seven signs that your award is in the can.

Eric V. Orange said...

Hey wait, I've got events baby!!!


Ron Washam, HMW said...

King Krak,

I heard it was sold out. Hate to disappoint people. I'm looking forward to Alder's seminar at the event, "Fred Franzia, Vornograpy's Biggest Fan."


I won't ask what the other six signs are, but if you need me, I'll be in the can.


I know, I know, fictional events are your area, but I wanted to highlight the more important ones.

John M. Kelly said...

Ron I've been asked to produce "The Sky Is Falling" - planning to stage it in the amphitheater Socrates Nicholson built up behind the winery. I'm having trouble finding enough hypocrits to fill the chorus. I have a mask with your name on it - you interested?

Tamara - pre-sipped bottles? Aren't they selling those out of vending machines in Japan?

Enobytes said...

You had me at Oodles of Poodles.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey John,

You? Having trouble finding hypocrites? You're in the wine biz AND you're a blogger and you're having trouble finding hypocrites? Shocking lack of effort on your part. But, sure, I'll be in your production of "The Sky is Falling," but only if I get to be Skunky Drunky.


Welcome to my little personal Hell. Thanks for stopping by. I haven't read your blog, but I'll wander over later. Feel free to participate here any time. And, hey, John is looking for help if you're free.

winebookgirl said...

Event listings? What is next, book reviews?

Ron Washam said...

Amy Love,

One never knows. I'm almost done with the one I'm working on--only a few pages left to color!

I missed you! Welcome back. When are we hanging out?

winebookgirl said...

You tell me. This week is for my daughter--I've been away too much. But later in May?

Charlie Olken said...

Book reviews? You are going to do book reviews?

Have I got a book for you.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Amy Love,

I'm at your service. We'll make it a May play day.


I can't wait to read your book. Maybe I'll review it as Steve Heimoff. Or Alder. Or that Reign of Terrier guy.