Thursday, July 19, 2012
My Sample Policy
HoseMaster of Wine™ is happy to accept any and all samples. Samples will be consumed in a timely fashion, particularly lingerie. With proper notice, wine can be judged after having been poured through pantyhose, a process superior to decanting, especially if the pantyhose are being worn at the time. It definitely improves the L’Eggs.
Please be aware that HoseMaster of Wine is entitled to samples from you, and it is foolish not to believe so. Not only does HoseMaster of Wine receive hundreds of thousands of hits on a centennial basis, assuring that your wine will be favorably viewed by my immediate family and people searching the web for “fat guy’s butthole,” you can also rest assured your wine will be proudly reviewed accompanied by a crappy photo taken with my ten-year-old cellphone. Your winery’s Social Media Director (hint: look for her sitting outside in the picnic area sexting Tim Fish to get him to milt all over your new releases) will tell you that the Millenials love that immediacy, with its implied lack of detail and hard facts.
Please remember to include fact sheets and other winery propaganda along with your submitted samples. HoseMaster of Wine understands that wineries are buried beneath mountainous piles of this rubbish and is happy to dispose of it promptly for you. Please include all previous wine reviews for your samples so that HoseMaster of Wine will not be embarrassed by an inconsistent review. HoseMaster of Wine is not responsible for having an adequate background in wines of your appellation or variety, but will certainly strive to appear knowledgeable by plagiarizing Wikipedia and the wine’s back label, the wine blogging industry standard.
Wines are reviewed on different scales according to how the HoseMaster of Wine is feeling the day the wines are tasted, or by the prestige of the winery that has sent the samples. Prestigious Napa Valley wineries, for example, are judged on the 94 Point Scale, 94 being “Recommended” all the way up to 94, which is “Highly Recommended, a Must Have.” White wines are judged on the 12 to 16 Point Scale, a subset of the 20 Point Scale. White wines have no business being scored more than 16 points, and HoseMaster of Wine will not compromise the integrity of the blog to do so. Exceptions include Chateau d’Yquem, which is white, but Social Register white, not the trailer trash white all the other plonk is. Let’s face it, Grüner Veltliner is the result of a cross between first cousins and still wears adult diapers, which are noticeable in the aromatics. Wines are occasionally graded, and in keeping with the notable decline of the country’s educational system, grades are intentionally inflated. Thus, a C- wine will likely receive an A-. Blog readers understand that A- wines are crap, but your promotional material will reflect the highest score plausible. A+ wines only a cretin would submit to a wine blog.
HoseMaster of Wine prefers to taste wines as part of a junket. In order to be fair, HoseMaster of Wine accepts all junkets and is pleased to affirm that the wines from everywhere on the planet are A- wines. Please submit a list of other bloggers and journalists who will be accompanying HoseMaster of Wine on the junket. Most journalists are unacceptable traveling companions because they always ask to borrow money. HoseMaster of Wine reserves the right to choose his roommate if single suites are unavailable. What, are we going to fucking Lebanon to taste wine? Where’s my suite? Roommates must be willing to tuck the HoseMaster of Wine in at night while quietly singing, “You Are My Sunshine.” And then there should be no crying over spilt milt.
Please remember when submitting samples to HoseMaster of Wine that it is unlikely that you will receive any sort of acknowledgment. This is professional courtesy on your part. Please do not email HoseMaster of Wine asking if your samples were received and tasted. It’s none of your goddam business. The wine is mine now. The wine review is proof that your wine was received. Eat me.
If you are unhappy with a review on HoseMaster of Wine, get in line for the exclusive Go Fuck Yourself Club™. All wines are tasted under controlled conditions, usually after several good wines paid for have been polished. HoseMaster of Wine does not taste wines blind but will clearly state otherwise as a courtesy. Your marketing people at Foolsome and Company sent your wines in the belief that HoseMaster of Wine has limited knowledge and experience of wine and will give a good review simply because otherwise the free wine pipeline may dry up like Betty White’s poop chute. While this is usually the case, how much did your wine suck that you don’t like the review? Please don’t email HoseMaster of Wine with your complaints. Simply fire your winemaker. Your reason? He makes wines you need to send to wine blogs to get positive reviews.