Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Sample Policy

HoseMaster of Wine™ is happy to accept any and all samples. Samples will be consumed in a timely fashion, particularly lingerie. With proper notice, wine can be judged after having been poured through pantyhose, a process superior to decanting, especially if the pantyhose are being worn at the time. It definitely improves the L’Eggs.

Please be aware that HoseMaster of Wine is entitled to samples from you, and it is foolish not to believe so. Not only does HoseMaster of Wine receive hundreds of thousands of hits on a centennial basis, assuring that your wine will be favorably viewed by my immediate family and people searching the web for “fat guy’s butthole,” you can also rest assured your wine will be proudly reviewed accompanied by a crappy photo taken with my ten-year-old cellphone. Your winery’s Social Media Director (hint: look for her sitting outside in the picnic area sexting Tim Fish to get him to milt all over your new releases) will tell you that the Millenials love that immediacy, with its implied lack of detail and hard facts.

Please remember to include fact sheets and other winery propaganda along with your submitted samples. HoseMaster of Wine understands that wineries are buried beneath mountainous piles of this rubbish and is happy to dispose of it promptly for you. Please include all previous wine reviews for your samples so that HoseMaster of Wine will not be embarrassed by an inconsistent review. HoseMaster of Wine is not responsible for having an adequate background in wines of your appellation or variety, but will certainly strive to appear knowledgeable by plagiarizing Wikipedia and the wine’s back label, the wine blogging industry standard.

Wines are reviewed on different scales according to how the HoseMaster of Wine is feeling the day the wines are tasted, or by the prestige of the winery that has sent the samples. Prestigious Napa Valley wineries, for example, are judged on the 94 Point Scale, 94 being “Recommended” all the way up to 94, which is “Highly Recommended, a Must Have.” White wines are judged on the 12 to 16 Point Scale, a subset of the 20 Point Scale. White wines have no business being scored more than 16 points, and HoseMaster of Wine will not compromise the integrity of the blog to do so. Exceptions include Chateau d’Yquem, which is white, but Social Register white, not the trailer trash white all the other plonk is. Let’s face it, Grüner Veltliner is the result of a cross between first cousins and still wears adult diapers, which are noticeable in the aromatics. Wines are occasionally graded, and in keeping with the notable decline of the country’s educational system, grades are intentionally inflated. Thus, a C- wine will likely receive an A-. Blog readers understand that A- wines are crap, but your promotional material will reflect the highest score plausible. A+ wines only a cretin would submit to a wine blog.

HoseMaster of Wine prefers to taste wines as part of a junket. In order to be fair, HoseMaster of Wine accepts all junkets and is pleased to affirm that the wines from everywhere on the planet are A- wines. Please submit a list of other bloggers and journalists who will be accompanying HoseMaster of Wine on the junket. Most journalists are unacceptable traveling companions because they always ask to borrow money. HoseMaster of Wine reserves the right to choose his roommate if single suites are unavailable. What, are we going to fucking Lebanon to taste wine? Where’s my suite? Roommates must be willing to tuck the HoseMaster of Wine in at night while quietly singing, “You Are My Sunshine.” And then there should be no crying over spilt milt.

Please remember when submitting samples to HoseMaster of Wine that it is unlikely that you will receive any sort of acknowledgment. This is professional courtesy on your part. Please do not email HoseMaster of Wine asking if your samples were received and tasted. It’s none of your goddam business. The wine is mine now. The wine review is proof that your wine was received. Eat me.

If you are unhappy with a review on HoseMaster of Wine, get in line for the exclusive Go Fuck Yourself Club™. All wines are tasted under controlled conditions, usually after several good wines paid for have been polished. HoseMaster of Wine does not taste wines blind but will clearly state otherwise as a courtesy. Your marketing people at Foolsome and Company sent your wines in the belief that HoseMaster of Wine has limited knowledge and experience of wine and will give a good review simply because otherwise the free wine pipeline may dry up like Betty White’s poop chute. While this is usually the case, how much did your wine suck that you don’t like the review? Please don’t email HoseMaster of Wine with your complaints. Simply fire your winemaker. Your reason? He makes wines you need to send to wine blogs to get positive reviews.


Braille Method Tasting Daddy said...

Bad wine? Fire the winemaker? What a novel idea.

And, no, Thomas, I will not retract the "bad wine" language.

On the other hand, Jose, I do appreciate your willingness to confess that follow lax tasting standards. Most of the folks who do still try to make us think they don't. And Jay Miller did not get fired for his lousy tasting abilities. He got fired by running around Europe gobbling up the speaking gigs that his boss wanted.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Puff Daddy,

I have very strict standards for tasting wine, I just seldom adhere to them.

I now await the avalanche of wine that will follow my Poodle Award and the publication of My Sample Policy. I'm big time now.

1WineDoody said...

It was the last line that made it all worthwhile. Bravo, my friend!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

1 Wine Doody,

Thanks, Joe. It's always killed me that wineries send wines to bloggers with the qualifications of a beaver. But it's their desperation that makes for great comedy.

Jimmy Schnipke said...

Dear Eat me...Now that you are in the "big leagues," Magic Dragon Daddy and upstate Thomas will have to screen your calls.That retail gal from down south can be your media assistant. I'll just sit back and watch.
Signed ~ "to busy to be Homecoming King," Jimmie Schnipke

Andrea said...

How do I join the trade-marked "Go Fuck Yourself Club"?
Man, you rock my world. ;)

Thomas said...


I don't screen nobody's calls, but I do screen HoseMaster's free wine samples. He has no idea that I open thme first, sample them and then top up the ones that I don't finish and send them to him for a 94 review.

Now that he is a finalist in the annual blog equivalent of the Westminster Show at Madison Square Garden, I'll have to expand either the wine cellar or my stomach.


You are bad, as in the meaning of the word in the 1960s...

Ron Washam, HMW said...


There are many members of the Go Fuck Yourself Club TM, many of them up for wine blog awards as well. Not sure you really want to be a member, but I am currently accepting applications and will consider your request.

Thanks for the kind words.


I'm not in the big leagues, my friend, I AM the big leagues. Of what, I'm not sure. But the big leagues nonetheless.


Apparently you and Andrea are applying for the same club.

Magic Dragon Daddy said...

Thomas is too old to be in the Fuck anybody club--except in his mind. I understand this problem, of course.

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Thanks. This made me laugh out loud, a rare occurrence for a comment.

PaulG said...

Your transparency is illuminating, my friend. But where's the social responsibility? Should you not be requesting that all samples be shipped in Styrofoam - preferably Styro popcorn – in order to support the hardworking Styrofoam industry in Cjaingdong? And isn't it time to decry those pathetic little wander doodad plug-in thingies? Whatever happened to compact discs for chrissake? And don't get me started on the bubble wrap! It's all but disappeared. Used to be ubiquitous. Standards are the lowest I've ever seen. Now that you're a big time Fuck®Wad™ I hope you'll take a stand and fight for things as they used to be, and can be again! PS - Can I join that club too? Pretty please??

PaulG said...

Make that "wiener doodad plug-in thingies"

Samantha Dugan said...

Bugger! Just spent 20 minutes, (at work no less) trying to post a link to this post on my profile but alas, Blogger is far smarter than I.....shocking I know. Anyway, this was fucking hilarious Love and timely seeing as you are about to get slammed with shipments of Lodi Zin and Gruner from Temecula! So bloody jealous.

So Love, if I am offered that assistant position, is there a uniform?

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Oh great, now everybody wants to be in the Go Fuck Yourself Club TM. Which means more work for me writing the newsletter. OK, fine, you and Andrea are in. Now tell everyone you know to Go Fuck Yourself. Your official T-shirt is on the way.

And now you'll have Marcia all pissed off with the "wiener doodad" remark.

Hey, good luck winning a Poodle, Paul! You be Brando, I'll be George C. Scott.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Come on, Baby, you're supposed to be starting the HoseMaster Wins a Poodle FakeBook campaign! How can you do that if you can't outsmart Blogger? I'd do it, but I'm busy writing the Go Fuck Yourself Club TM newsletter, "The Eat Me Monthly."

Oh, I'm sure I'll be buried in Pinot Noir rose as well. And Prosecco. And orange wines. I'm a dead man.

No uniform, My Love, but some interesting positions.

Dean Tudor said...

Ron, you have a serious typo --

"Roommates must be willing to tuck (sic) the HoseMaster of Wine in at night"

Shurely you mean "fuck"...

Thomas said...

...and by day, and all points in between, not to mention orifices. This is not an easy thing to do to yourself.

Thomas said...

Oh, and Charlie's jealous because he'll never be my age again--neither will I, come to think of it: bummer.

EditHer said...

"Will certainly strive to appear knowledgeable by plagiarizing Wikipedia and the wine’s back label, the wine blogging industry standard."
Yep! Am I now in the GFYC? Please?
You can have the Styrofoam, Paul. I finished insulating the roof. Have to keep the bubble wrap to cover the pool.

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Sorry, no pseudonymous members in the GFYC. But, man, the damn club is awash in membership requests. Well, give the public what they want...

Eric V. Orange said...

Too funny Hose. I love it. Best lines,
"The wine review is proof that your wine was received. Eat me."
"Chateau d’Yquem, which is white, but Social Register white, not the trailer trash white all the other plonk is."

You rock.


Marcia Macomber said...

Voted for your Poodle Award! (All w/o Samantha's big FB campaign....)

I was going to let the "wiener doodad plug-in thingies" thingy slide, but now that you mention it... My wiener takes offense! She's barking away (at who knows what....)

Just gave up my 10 yr old cell phone thingy... These so-called 'smart' phones are anything but! One silly auto-update and most things aren't working again!

Looks like we're all hankering for membership in the GFY Club. ("Will that be at the 'hard' or 'soft' level of membership, sir?")

Nice... Love the policy. I'll take note for future shipments. :-)

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Wow, your annual visit! Thanks for dropping by, always a pleasure. What, no membership in the GFYC?


The Go Fuck Yourself Club is filling up fast. Why, it's become bigger than Boner in a Can!

Thanks for the vote. Now I have three! I voted for Alderpated.

Mockingbird said...

Hey!... Wha' happen? (to your ever-humble, ever-blogger-bashing (though oft on-target) post about your WBA nomination?............

Beau said...

Tech sheets and propaganda papers make great wallpaper for the rumpus room..just sayin'