Monday, January 7, 2013

The Secret Official Sommelier Manual--Leaked Again!


Wow, this is a short piece, you're saying. Yeah, it is. But it's packed with wit. OK, not really.

On the first Monday of every month, from now until he gets either sick of me or sued, I'll be publishing my usual foolishness on Tim Atkin, MW's blog. So go there and read it.  Really, this is cool! My post there today consists of more excerpts from the The Secret Official Sommelier Manual. Tim recruited me last month, even before I became the first wine blogger to become Parkerized, which undoubtedly means there will soon be hundreds of HoseMaster lookalikes, created using micro-oxygenation and spinning cones, and I'm thrilled to be part of his site. And I get some loot for writing this crap. So today's post is here. Tell Tim I said Hello.

And if you want to comment here, gang, I'm all for it! Or comment over at Tim's place. Or both.

I'm an international star now...like Charo!


24 comments:

Samantha Dugan said...

Charo?! Now why did you have to go there? Can't stop picturing you shaking about and purring, "Coochie-coochie-coochie!"

Catherine Monahan said...

The irony that someone like you and who writes like you do would hook up with Tim ;0) I did tease him... You're more aligned to Robert's mentality but I think it's rather amusing....

Catherine Monahan said...

PS Fantastic post by the way!! Very true!!

David Fish said...

Nice, eye-opening zingers Ron! (doubly appreciated this morning since we are out of coffee)
keep up the good work!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
I don't know, I was trying to think of the stupidest "international" star and Charo popped into my head. That in itself is scary.

Catherine,
Thank you. I was very flattered when Tim contacted me last month and asked me to contribute to his award-winning blog. Formerly award-winning, one would assume now.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey David,
It's always fun to poke at my old profession. The more uptight ones will take offense, and thereby, show their true colors. Most will laugh. And not understand that the point of the piece isn't to degrade sommeliers, but rather play to the paranoia of restaurant guests who think the sommelier is simply there to lighten their wallets.

David Larsen said...

Ron, You should assemble all your posts in book form. I think it would would be a best seller, in the wine category anyway.

Martin Charlebois said...

Left on Tim's Blogue!

I am a sommelier, and a fan of Hosemaster! These are funny, My approach is to democratize wine, I am also following my path to obtain my MW.... But not to be snobby..... I feel funny that the relation between wine reps and Sommelier is exposed!..... LOL! Why....well I am not a sommelier in a Restaurant..... I do not have the patience needed.... nope I represent 60 world class winery on my Montreal Market..... So being a sommelier I work accordingly with other sommelier in restaurant.... Ok sometimes shit hits the fan...... but hey! I am true to myself, defend my selections to import, travel to offer not the most expensive to the label drinker out there..... Sommelier are suppose to work with a certain humility, When I did part of my Master sommelier....I was profoundly hated by the big head teacher..... Why, because if it was a humility contest he surely would have been shot dead for being last! but I pass..... Being a sommelier is not about being a semi-god..... it is about knowing wines, it's not being an ayatholla or winextremist or a terrwinist it is about sharing all of our passion (not knowledge) with the customer..... it is not about getting a hard-on about money but getting a very exciting wine that would be perfect for the customer, not your own wallet..... This you can still find a lot in Montreal, Quebec, Gatineau and all across our province!

Cheers to all!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

David,
Yeah, maybe "Wine Bible for Idiots." Something like that. I'm sure I would outsell Alice. Feiring, not Munro.

Martin,
I just love that "blogue" is Canadian for blog. Thanks for commenting in both venues. Gonna be a first Monday of the month ritual.

Leslie Brown said...

Loving the new thoughts I have now of WBG. Thanks Ron.

Martin Charlebois said...

Ron....

I love your sarcasm....
Some sommelier should get a swift kick in the ass!

It is only fermented Grape juice we sell..... not a cure for all illness in the world....

I would love to have your view on the superstar picture approach in wine magazine presenting the farmers.....oh sorry! I mean the hot new winemaker......

Blogue is actually french!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hi Leslie,
Thanks for chiming in! WBG is a great profit center for a restaurant, which they need, and can also be a great showcase for the sommelier's ego. A win-win.

Martin,
Selling wine, marketing folks tell us, is about selling the story. In this age of climate disaster, it's only logical that the farmers will become heroes. And the natural farmer, even more so. Hard to glorify the guy driving a mechanical harvester.

Yes, I know blogue is French, but Canadian is funnier.

Brian Loring - Loring Wine Company said...

Love it! Keep leaking ;)

Samantha Dugan said...

Dammit Brian, you blabbed the name of the new feminine product my gynecologist and I were working on.

Dave Miner said...

Bravo.. I feel enlightened...

Thomas said...

I was going to comment at Atkin's site but it turned out to be a cumbersome ordeal.

Marcia Macomber said...

We all like it here better anyway. Can't be sure if you comment on Atkin's site you can let the hair down...per se. It is a lovely post though. Well done, Hosé.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Dave,
Thanks. Enlightenment is helpful over here on the dark side.

Thomas,
Are you allowed to comment in the U.K.? I thought there was some sort of embargo. Or outstanding warrant. Or you don't speak the language. But you're safe here with me.

Marcia,
Not sure "lovely" is what I was aiming for, but thanks. And knowing Tim, I wouldn't worry about whatever hair it is you want to let down. But I'd be lonely here without you.

Dean Tudor said...

I'm really glad you are still writing within the British Commonwealth, although I did note a lack of profanity. Should you switch to Canada, let it be known that profanity here does not stop at the border....

Thomas said...

,,,profanity6 at the Canadian/US border is a normal course of events, what with passports and tarrifs and all that rot.

Thomas said...

y6 is not so hard to accomplish on a keyboard

Richard Jennings said...

Tried to comment over on Tim's site, but it wasn't working, so congrats here! Excellent piece, as usual. Occasionally Parker and I actually like the same thing, although he usually gives it 4 points more than I do. ;-)

Joe Roberts, CSW said...

Nice work! And I hope you're getting paid for this!!!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Dean,
Man, I've been busy doing other than Hosemaster stuff. Sorry to be so late to respond.

Fuck, the lack of profanity is about it being The Secret Official Sommelier Manual. They only swear at salespeople and busboys. So that's why the lack of goddam profanity.

Richard,
I can't comment on Tim's site, but it is in England, so it's just generally foggier. And only 4 points lower than Parker? Man, you're getting liberal in your old age.

1WineDoody,
Yes, getting paid! So average it out over hundreds of posts and, so far, I've made three cents!