Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Wine's Deep State is Wiretapping My House


The first thing they did was they wiretapped my house. You’re going to hear a lot about this in the next few weeks, believe me. I only caught on when I was talking to my wife in the kitchen and the microwave suddenly said, “Excuse me?” It wasn’t long after that I realized they were watching me through my electric shaver. I was trimming my eyebrows when I heard a guy sneeze, and I felt something wet on my forehead. My dryer has been going through my pants’ pockets looking for evidence. Every last Kleenex was sampled for DNA, and I’ll never get another use out of the condoms. Oh, they’re thorough alright. Even the lint screen is squeaky clean when they’re done. I know what they want, but I’m on to them. They’re trying to silence me.

Most of you wine writers don’t have to worry about them. You write pablum. You write empty paragraphs that conform to what they want. You write the worst sort of self-serving shit, absorbed in your own imaginary importance in the wine world, convinced we care about your opinions on the latest set of designer wines sent to you by the czars at Constellation. You toe the wine line. You never write anything that isn’t regurgitated marketing lies. You feign wine knowledge, and feel every invite to every tasting and every junket validates your importance when, in fact, you’re just a pawn, and an untalented pawn at that. They don’t need to wiretap your house. They don’t need to have drones following your every move like they follow mine. You’re no threat to them. What you write is just the same old tired wine business bullshit. They love you.

Right now there’s someone watching me through my computer’s camera. I know who it is. I just gave her the finger. I don’t care if they watch me have Skype sex with a Master Sommelier. It’s why we do it blind. He told me it’s part of the Service Exam. If they want to spy on what goes on in my work room, I just don’t care. At first, I put duct tape over the camera. But you can see through duct tape. I bet you didn’t know that. You can see through duct tape. Put some over your eyes and try it. Well, maybe you can’t see through it, sorry about your eyebrows, but they can.

I know you’re wondering who “they” are. God, you’re stupid. It’s wine’s Deep State. The Deep State is conspiring against me. They’re afraid of me. They’re afraid of the changes I’m bringing to wine writing, and the wine world. The Deep State is worried because I won a Roederer Award. They’re really scared because the Deep State usually controls who wins a Roederer Award, and last year one of those awards went to me. It wasn’t supposed to. They fixed that this year though. They made Guy Woodward a judge. Yeah, I know. That’s like a Labradoodle judging the Westminster Dog Show. The Deep State wants wine writing to stay the same. You know, “Wine Spectator” same. Trade one old white guy critic for a middle-aged white guy critic. Pull off the Jesus trick: turn oafs into Tim Fish. The Deep State of wine controls everything about wine. Everything.

Think those natural wine people are rocking the boat? Oh, please. Like Alice Feiring and Eric Asimov aren’t embedded agents of the Deep State. The Establishment of wine has infiltrated wine writing up to its highest levels. Who do you think are the Elders of Deep State? Yes. Say the names. Jancis, Robert, Hugh, Marvin. They make all the decisions about wine. They decide what you drink, what you write, what you don’t write. Oz, Antonio, Jamie, everybody with letters after their name. All of them. Can’t you see it for yourself? They’re all the Deep State. And unless we take wine back from them, and it won’t be easy, folks, wine will be the same corrupt and dishonest business it’s always been.

Just remember, when people criticize me, that’s just the Deep State trying to destroy my career. I don’t need their help destroying my career. I’m perfectly capable. The Deep State tries to make me look like a liar. I tell you they’ve wiretapped my house and you ask for proof? Proof? I just said it, didn’t I, what further proof do you need? The Deep State doesn’t like me because I tell you the truth. I’ve been saying for years how specific wine glasses for specific wines is a scam. It’s Deep State propaganda. You really think you need an Oregon Pinot Noir glass? That your Syrah doesn’t taste as good in a Zinfandel glass? You’re a sucker. You’re a chump. You probably think aerators work, too. What’s wrong with you? These are all lies. Deep State lies. You can’t even tell it’s a Syrah in the first damn place. What difference does the glass make? It’s like thinking you smell better because you’re wearing the right sweater. You don’t! You smell like goddam mothballs, and I’m not talking about naphthalene, I’m talking about actual hairy moth testicles. God, you’re an idiot. A Deep State sycophant.

Ah, but we won one over the Deep State. Asimov conceded that the idea that different sorts of wines require distinct glasses is “nonsense.” This in the Newspaper of Record! It’s like FOX News admitting Sean Hannity is an inflatable sex toy. I mean, look at his mouth! And the hair. Asimov’s admission is amazing. Maybe it’s the Deep State just throwing us a bone. The Elders got together and threw Georg under the bus. No one really knows. Maybe the truth is making them nervous. But what next? Alice Feiring concedes biodynamics is mystical Hoo-Hah? The "Dianetics" of wine? Parker concedes that the 100 point scale is stupid? People like it, sure, it’s simple and easy to understand, but so is “Wine Folly,” and we know how worthless that is. Nah, the Deep State will never surrender the 100 point scale. That would be like Tiny Tim throwing aside his crutches.

My phone just rang and there was no one there. Deep State. Just keep saying it whenever you read a column in the “Wine Spectator,” whenever you read about the latest wine junket taken by Jamie Goode, whenever you buy a wine book by Jancis Robinson. Deep State. A “New York Times” opinion piece about wine. Deep State. The lastest vintage report from Bordeaux in “Decanter.” Deep State. Wine competition results. Deep State. What are Master Sommeliers drinking? articles. Deep State. Yet another piece about the superiority of natural wines. Deep State. Every press release from every marketing company and every winery. Deep State.

Resist.

17 comments:

ReportMonkey said...

Did you hear about this from Deep Throat?

AmitiesJerome said...

I have always thought the same about Sean Hannity. Glad to hear it confirmed.

Warren said...

The Deep State is afraid you may make wine great again.

Dean Tudor said...

Ron, do move to Canada...I will even sponsor you.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

RMonkey,
Not sure. Her mouth was full. Well, in the interests of full disclosure, not that full.

Oh, not that Deep Throat?

Jerome,
He's a new kind of inflatable doll. His lips move! That's how you know he's lying.

Warren,
I can't even make wine blogging great again.

Dean,
I would, but I hear Canada is building a wall. To keep out illegal satirists.

Ziggy said...

After reading this I'm dumping my cork collection. You never know what might be buried in those suckers. Is Deep State sorta like Deep Sh*t?

bungsniffer said...

Lo Hai Qu is a perfect fit as your Kellyanne Conway. And I'm looking forward to Rudy Kurniawan giving his first press briefing.

Dean Tudor said...

Actually, you are right. Canada is building a wall --- of icewine.

But Canada's best political satirist Bob Robertson (Double Exposure) just died on Sunday -- and we need a replacement. Canada's immigration laws allow for replacements and clones, no matter what the occupation.

Besides, it is getting warmer here in Canada..no fear of freezing (hence, the wall of icewine).

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Ziggy,
Sorta. I'm up to my neck in both. But the Deep Shit is of my own making.

Bungsniffer,
I think you're on to something. Though I think Larry Anosmia might be better than Rudy at handling the angry wine press. And all their FAKE NEWS.

Dean,
Canada's best political satirist? And I thought wine biz satirist was a tiny niche. The world can't afford to lose any competent satirists right now, or any incompetent ones like me. But I'm pretty sure my tinfoil hat will protect me.

Steve Osterholt said...

Hose, you skipped over that "never get another use out of a condom" line very quickly. Can they be reused as a bota bag?

Bob Henry said...

The Truth Is Out There.

As Andy Grove exclaimed (in a different context): "Only the paranoid survive."

"The FBI recommends you cover your laptop's webcam, for good reason"

Link: https://www.engadget.com/2016/09/23/the-fbi-recommends-you-cover-your-laptops-webcam-good-reasons/

"Mark Zuckerberg Covers His Laptop Camera. You Should Consider It, Too"

Link: https://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/23/technology/personaltech/mark-zuckerberg-covers-his-laptop-camera-you-should-consider-it-too.html?_r=0

And ripped from the front page headlines of today's newspaper:

"The Hackers Inside Your Security Cam"

Link: https://www.wsj.com/articles/whats-attacking-the-web-a-security-camera-in-a-colorado-laundromat-1490002202

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Steve,
I suppose, though mine all had pinholes. I'm such a joker!

Bob,
Again with the links? How quickly we forget. Not sure if you're being informative, or you're a computer virus. I have Malware, now I need Bobware. Sigh.

Bob Henry said...

Maybe we should discuss this in private over the darknet.

Eddie Newell said...

Hose,
There are 18 minutes missing from your post.
Eddie

Patrick Miner said...

Of course the real scandal is that this information has been leaked at all.

Andrea said...

Ron, I would rather drink DRC out of a bota bag with you, than drink Pinot in a $99 somm series crystal glass with any of the aforementioned critics. As for the deepsters...haters gonna hate...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Andrea,
Smooch. I got the bota bag if you got the DRC. Or we can just drink Champagne from our navels.