Monday, April 3, 2017

Crapaholics Anonymous

Hello, my name is Ronald. And I’m a Crapaholic.

Hello, Ronald!

This is my first time speaking at a Crapaholics Anonymous meeting, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the wines I drink lately. I drink wines I like. I think I know a lot about wine. I drink wines from all over the world. I drink wines from California, France, Washington, New Zealand, South Africa…I love South African wines! Have you had Pinotage? Do you know where the name comes from? It’s Pinot Noir crossed with a little Garbage. I think it’s required by law to be at least 15% Garbage. Anyway, I love wine. I buy wines based on experience, and the reviews of reliable critics. So, mostly experience. I thought wine was just wine. There’s bad wine, good wine, great wine, and really great wine. But it turns out I was wrong. I was fooling myself, probably like all of you Crapaholics here tonight. It’s a hard thing for me to say. But I need help with my addiction to Crap. I’m a Crap whore.

I'm taking a big risk here. Normally, what's talked about at a Crapaholics Anonymous meeting is kept secret to protect everyone's privacy. But this is too important an issue. The burning issue of our wine times. So I'm allowing my readers inside a meeting. Be prepared, it's a sad tale of addiction and woe. The kind that tears families apart, and ruins lives. Have a hankie nearby. You have time to grab one before you jump over to Tim Atkin's great blog to read the rest. It's a tale of addiction rampant in the wine business. It's time it was exposed.



Hutch said...

Wow! This is the funniest and most well written post from you (from anyone), I've read in quite a while. Magnificent! Thank you.

Charlie Olken said...

I found myself moved to tears by your confession. I too have wasted a lifetime drinking very good wine and ruining the planet and my liver. That's the thing I like best about natural wines--they're good for everything--for my liver, my psoriasis, my addiction to Cialis. I am a bigger man now that I have changed over. Well, not that big, but you know what I mean.

Route 246 said...

Dude. Awesome.

David Pears said...

These voices you project, they are absolutely incredible, Hosemaster!
This should go directly in the Greatest Hoses of all time. Besides this, it is probably the best piece on the natural / conventional wine I have read on any blog ever (that is not saying a lot, I know).


obillo said...

If it's brown,
Drink it down!

David Larsen said...

As an owner of a Washington winery, I know we have arrived when our state is listed by the Hosemaster as one of the world's major wine regions.

David Starsky said...

What Hutch said. (See what I did there?)

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Common Taters,
I have been out of town, so excuse the tardy response.

This post came out of nowhere. I was thinking about how many folks I've met lately, or read lately, who said something like, "Only natural wines taste good to me." I've heard that many times. It strikes me as very strange, some kind of denial of what wine can be, as foolish as thinking that only CA Pinot Noir tastes good. My first thought was that it was usually said by people with emotional problems far beyond wine's scope. But that's unfair. Even if true. God knows, I have zillions of emotional problems.

And those natural wine zealots ("alt-right" is intentionally provocative when I use it) tend to cast shame on the rest of us who just like wine, who grew up in the wine business, who try to appreciate every style and every variety regardless of its political leaning. Public shaming is the realm of fundamentalists. I hate fundamentalists. That lead to a meeting of Crapaholics Anonymous.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't have a problem with natural wines. I like a lot of them. It's the silliness of the notion that they're "superior" to other wines, even those that use minimal intervention, very minimal. That superiority notion makes me laugh. The gift of wine is that it makes monkeys of all of us when we try to analyze it, try to comprehend its hold on us and its meaning to culture and living. Maybe the natural wine zealots are the Darwin deniers of wine. Wine cannot evolve. It's all about God and Nature.

Maybe that's another post...