Interview With A HoseMaster

How did you get started in the wine business?


Many years ago there was a television show called "So You Think You Can Vomit?" that auditioned and judged ordinary folks who believed they could have a career in the wine business. Contestants were asked to display their wine talents in front of a panel of three distinguished judges--Andre Tchelistcheff, Robert Lawrence Balzer and Arlene Francis, who, for some reason, always wore a sequined mask. I appeared on that show in 1963 competing against a young Hugh Johnson, Jerry Mathers and an orangutan that Mr. Balzer had mistakenly married after a long evening tasting Cognac. The orangutan won (creating another game show scandal as well as ending the monkey marriage to Balzer--Mr. Balzer became a Borneo Again Christian after that) but I was a very popular second place and went on to my distinguished and interminable career in wine.
Robert Lawrence Balzer (a driller, for sure) after his conversion.

What's your favorite grape?


I get asked this question a lot. And it's odd because I don't really like grapes. I like wine. And so few wines taste like grapes these days. What's up with that? Winemakers spend so much time making their wines taste like apples or peaches or blackberries or plums, but not grapes. I don't want them to taste like grapes, but why don't they? Just another sign of the over-manipulation of wine. Sheesh. Just once I'd like to taste the damn grapes in the wine.


What was it like being a Sommelier?

It's pretty much the stupidest job in the world that one can get paid for aside from porn actress. Though the two jobs have a lot in common. I used to put a lot in my mouth that I didn't want to. And I was often naked, but that's a different story. Sommelier must be about the most overrated job on the planet. What do they actually do? Taste a lot of wine, buy a few, then sell them. Sure, you have to be well-schooled when it comes to wine, but it's not like if you don't know the answer to a question a patron asks you about wine you can't just make up an answer. They haven't the slightest idea you're making stuff up. A guy once asked me if his wine had been fined and I told him, "Yeah, for being late to practice." And for some inexplicable reason you are accorded an amazing amount of respect. So, really, it's a dream job. People think you're special because you're a sommelier, that you know the secrets to food and wine pairing, that you can taste a wine blind and identify it down to the cork supplier, that you're sophisticated and worldly when all you really are is a wine porn star and all the wineries are fluffers. Man, I miss that gig.

Are you an M.S. or an M.W?


No, but I am a member of Al Qaeda. Which has a much tougher course to get in. Though it's still judged by Larry Stone.

Have you ever faked an orgasm?


Yes. But only when I'm alone.