I have become overpoweringly world-weary of late, and, in particular, weary of the world of blogging. OK, you're saying, where is this going? Allow me to explain.
I started this blog to simply have some fun with wine, make folks laugh. I hope I've had some success doing that because that's all I ever really cared about. But it's pretty hard work being funny for a living (for free, actually), especially about a subject people take as seriously as they take wine, that stuff made from humble grapes. I've always said to friends that I would stop when the blog wasn't fun for me any more. Well, here we are. It isn't fun for me any more.
So I am taking a hiatus from HoseMaster of Wine. I don't know when I'll return. I don't even know if I'll return. Life just isn't that predictable.
I'm not going to waste your time here. But I do have a couple of things I'd like to say. First of all, thank you to everyone who took time out of their lives to read my crap. I sincerely appreciate it. Secondly, to anyone I genuinely offended, I humbly apologize. Comedy is ugly, people get hurt. I did try to be as harsh on myself as I was on everyone else. Finally, I won't mention anyone specifically, but I've made some amazing friends as a result of writing HoseMaster and I am forever grateful for that. You know who you are. Thank you. You have graced my life.
It's always best to leave the party too early rather than overstay your welcome. I hope to be back to the wine blogging party, but if I don't return, have fun, everyone, and, remember, it's not always about playing nice.
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"But you're really good at what you do. You're not clumsy. You're as sharp and 'meta' as the Onion, as foul as the old National Lampoon at its well-remembered best, you make literary references that a smart guy makes. You're a nice slasher who always remembers to take out his recycling and waters his neighbor's plants--though they'd rather you didn't to it while they're having sex--and if you disembowel the occasional cat, well that cat was an asshole and everyone knew it."
"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."
--Robert Parker
"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.
Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."
--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"
"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."
--JancisRobinson.com
"How do you introduce Ron Washam, the Hosemaster of Wine? Two things:
"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."
--Mike Dunne, Sacramento Bee
Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2014/01/21/6089630/dunne-on-wine-wine-blogs-and-bloggers.html#storylink=cpy
"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."
--Robert Parker
"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."
--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine
"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."
--Steve Heimoff
"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."
--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times
"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."
--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences
"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."
--1WineDude
"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."
--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"
"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."
--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"
"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."
--Reign of Terroir
"Robert (Joseph) was/is funny unlike HoseMaster who wasn't/isn't."
--Will Lyons (WSJ) on Twitter
"Hey Ron, let me ask you: is it true that you pick on girls and old critics because you don't think that they'll come back at you? Because if so, you lose: I'm on your ass now, asshole."
--Levi Dalton on Twitter
"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine."--Fran Lebowitz
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About Me
- Ron Washam, HMW
- After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
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What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine
"The HoseMaster is the funniest satirist writing about wine in the world today."
--Karen MacNeil
--Terry Theise
--Robert Parker
"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.
Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."
--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"
"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."
--JancisRobinson.com
"How do you introduce Ron Washam, the Hosemaster of Wine? Two things:
First: I’m not sure if there is anyone better at cutting through the confidence trick that is often intrinsic to the business of wine.
Second: in a world where offending people appears to border on the illegal, the Hosemaster piles in. No one is safe."
--Joss Fowler "Vinolent.com"
"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."
--Mike Dunne, Sacramento Bee
Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2014/01/21/6089630/dunne-on-wine-wine-blogs-and-bloggers.html#storylink=cpy
"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."
--Robert Parker
"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."
--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine
"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."
--Steve Heimoff
--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times
"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."
--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences
"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."
--1WineDude
"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."
--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"
"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."
--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"
"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."
--Reign of Terroir
"Robert (Joseph) was/is funny unlike HoseMaster who wasn't/isn't."
--Will Lyons (WSJ) on Twitter
"Hey Ron, let me ask you: is it true that you pick on girls and old critics because you don't think that they'll come back at you? Because if so, you lose: I'm on your ass now, asshole."
--Levi Dalton on Twitter
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- A Child's Guide to Wine (4)
- Best of HoseMaster (25)
- Blind Book Reviews (13)
- Blog Parodies (12)
- Dial MW for Murder (11)
- EPHEMERA (34)
- Honest Guide to Grapes (8)
- HoseMaster Does Parker (6)
- HoseMaster Invades Britain (78)
- HoseMaster of Wine™ Book Club (2)
- Larry Anosmia (7)
- Literary Parodies (22)
- Lo Hai Qu (16)
- M.S. Conspiracy (13)
- PARKENSTEIN (19)
- Reflections (22)
- Secret Sommelier Manual (16)
- Splooge Estate (10)
- Trump the Emperor of Wine (9)
- Wine Critics in Hell (8)
- Wine Essays (42)
- Wine Fairy Tales (5)
34 comments:
I never got the chance to be the target of your derision. :( I know I'll miss you.
First Sinatra retires, again and again
Then Celine Dion, retires again and again
Now Hosemaster retires. Again?
Let me guess, you are going into a Witness protection program?
and you always have the best Word Verification (this time gulnba)
bummer, Ron...
Ron,
When you did your survey I said that I never miss a post that you write, but I’m normally not a comment poster – you always get some great comments from Charles, Sam and others. Just to let you know that you do make people laugh out loud with your posts – even us lurkers…
I understand needing a break, I can’t imagine the time you put into doing this – I know that with all the time in the world, I couldn’t do what you do so well.
I do hope you come back and, that if the muse moves you, you’ll post something that will brighten our day from time to time. The RSS will stay tuned in –
Thanks for brightening our day and making us laugh at ourselves – we need to do that.
Bob
Oh Ron
Did Steve Tanzer steal your thunder?:
"At Winophilia, we’re not armchair tasters who pretend to speak knowledgeably about regions we’ve never visited. We’re not amateur bloggers whose coverage of wine is limited to a handful of random samples we’ve just received, a trade tasting we’ve attended, or a press junket we’ve just been treated to. "
Yes, Arthur, you have blindly stumbled into the truth, but you obviously do not know it.
Ron is Steve Tanzer. I know because I have met Ron and he is certainly not Robert Parker. After all, the rumors that Parker is dead appeared here first.
And since Tanzer and I are the next in line by way of competition, and I know that Ron is not me, than by logical conclusion, he must be Tanzer.
All of this hard work that Ron has done these many months of amusing us has simply been so that he could shift the energy from the HMW to Tanzer, who. up to now, has seemingly had no sense of humor.
But, even if Ron does not reappear on these pages in the next couple of weeks or more, I think we should keep the effort alive. Let's start a new blog called Friends of the Hosemaster.
We could each put up one item every couple of weeks. We could get folks like Anon1, who happens to be very funny in real life and is hiding his identity for some reason which makes no sense to me. We could Alfonso who has a very wicked sense of humor (it was he who put me up to bribing Steve Heimoff), we could get Sam to write columns called Samantha Avec Dosage, I might even think about resurrecting my old stand called Thoughts While Shaving.
There is, in fact, a very real need for humor in the wine business, but humor writing is far more difficult than just dashing off a bunch of loose thoughts like these. It is a discipline. Ron has it, which is why it is so sad that it weighs so heavily on him. I wish I had it, but my little bits of humor are simply not in his league.
But, if we create Friends of The Hosemaster, perhaps we can keep this band of lunatics together while Ron rediscovers his muse or his lost pen, which ever comes first.
Today's magic word is: mastaush, which is what happens when you have comb the hair on your ass.
So I thought about not posting a comment in my last ditch effort to remain cool and act as if nothing touches me but it turns out…something or someone did, it was you. I can say with 100% certainty that no one will miss you, your voice, your wit…just you, more than I. Sure you have plenty of fans that adore you and wait for each installment but I was lucky enough to have you as my partner. Our names were uttered in the same sentences, almost always together, “Samantha & Ron” or “HoseMaster & Sans Dosage” when people spoke of unique voices in this silly wine blogging world of ours…an honor, it has always been an honor to have my named linked to yours.
I guess I always knew, maybe feared is a more accurate word…this day would come. You are far too talented, too smart and too gifted to toil away at this thankless task or be linked to what amounts to a bunch of crap, by the word “Blogger”.
I support your decision to take a leave. I too will leave my RSS feed on…wait, hope and wait for one more, “I’m Baaaaccckkkk”
It has been an honor
I love you
Thank you, for everything….
What, what to say?
I don't know, but no doubt about it, after three years with vinofictions, I fully understand--am in fact simpatico.
baryoble here, Alfonso.
Dear Carmen:
I just hope this move was not prompted by Heimoff's Truman Capote imitation.
Charlie, Tom, Sam...ditto.
Ronnie...until we meet again...
Jimmie Schnipke
Hey, I've been reading away all this time, but not commenting. I've been blogging since 2002 and have ended up taking a few breaks over the years when I needed to. Though of course no one reads my blog. I know Jack will miss your posts! I will too.
-Katie
Oh, man, Mr. HMW! What a gaping hole your are blowing in my RSS feed! Thanks for all the laughs and good stories. Should you ever decide how the MS Conspiracy ends up, please let us know! Will miss reading the blog, and yes, I will peek back, probably several times a day, to see if you have returned.
Awfime is my word of the day, and which Capcha's exactly how I feel.
to quote another Sicilian, "You're dead to me, Fredo."
I understand the need for a break, and wish you much recuperation. You've brought many a merry twinkle and laugh to me, Hosemaster!
Thanks for the ride....
I hope to meet you one day.
Sure, you'll be shorter than I imagined, but, hey, who isn't??
Love,
Vicki
Vicki--
How did you know that the midget in the MS Conspiracy was Ron's alter ego?
It was the book I sent for review that did it, wasn't it?
Shit! Or, as Charlie Brown would say, "AAugh!"
Say it ain't so, Hose-eh!
Okay, we'll wait patiently for The Return...and for HMW,P.I. to solve the M.S. Conspiracy... (slinks off east of the Mayacamas)
Gosh Mr. Hose. We hardly knew ye. Hope you come back. Who's going to let us poodles out to go potty?
What a shame!
Tom Wark...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hosemaster Rons out, Alex Chilton heart attack-- all of a St.Paddy's tear this year of the Lawd. Coincidence? I fear not. Haven't got really drunk in a lonnng time. Sorely, sorely tempted.
Word verification: molling
(Have you been running some subliminal verbal Roscharch testing for some dark intelligence agency here? Paranoia strikes deep...)
Everyone,
I'm a bit overwhelmed by the responses here. Thank you to everyone, and to everyone who privately contacted me. I'm touched.
I'm not the HoseMaster in real life. But in real life I need a break from him. As you can imagine, he's a real jerk to live with. I won't miss him at all.
Now, go on, get out of here, you kids. Nothing to see here, no lonely barking poodles. Go home, hoist a glass of great wine, and, remember, one day, many years from now, when you think of me, and you will, be kind.
Apparently I am a bit late to the HoseMaster's wake. My apologies. I am going to miss this daily dirty habit I have become accustomed to.
I will be waiting for you to return at Willi's, martini in hand.
K.
Relax folks, it's all a joke. Ron will be back ASAP PDQ. I have it on good authority...
He wouldn't quit just after I found his blog...
No way, Hose-eh?
Nevertheless, just as a precaution, I'm going to archive his stuff, wait five years, and recycle it...under another name.
So don't do it Ron. I'll let you go on a mat leave, but you should really come back.
Or else, please...
The verification word is hordstio, which is Esperanto for "don't leave".
Well...now.. that sucks.
I'm down to two now.
So, Sans, you going to interview him NOW???
Best of luck Ron.
EVO
Or maybe you're "on a break" like Ross and Rachel? We all know that that wasn't the end of the story.
Seriously, (that wasn't serious?) -- seriously, blogging gets to be a real drag after a while. I understand. And, when you have a day job -- do you have one?
Well, either way, thanks for the lahfs. Alla prossima.
Dammit Eric...been trying to avoid coming here. The page opens and each time I feel that little speed up of my heart, the way it thumps away hoping I will see a new post name or picture and....hiatus. It's like having Tiny standing on my chest each time...ouch.
If I thought for one second interviewing HoseMaster would bring him back I would do it, hell I'd do a 6 part series if I thought it would help but alas, it won't. He needs this, needs to say farewell and I have no choice but to let him go....
Now I'm going to say it too, "Go home kids. Nothing more to see here" but I will add, "When you speak of him remember the hours he spent thinking of Us and trying to make Us laugh. Can't think of any greater gift really...."
SADNESSSSSS!!!!!!!!
I love you!!!!!!!!!
Dear Hosery,
I only just found your web notes a few months ago. I have spent the last year screaming at the top of my lungs about the vapid screed foisted upon us by the democratic republic of wine blogging. Weak and with all my facebook twitter-twating friends abandoning me, I had given up. I was ready to walk away and let freedom ring. That is until I found your postings. Finally, a real voice among cackles and screeches.
Your are the Colbert of the wine illiterati. Your tune so sharp and the tempo a dirge.
What can we do to bring you back? Pay your rent? Cook you a meal or two….
You are the therapist I shall not want.
In the end, when you think about it, what’s so hard about writing a wine blog? You have always pointed out how easy it really is. Maybe I should start blogging about things a wish I knew…like cupcakes and bbq. Dear Mr. Ron, don’t make us fill the void.
Oh Might Master of Hose Prose, like Dean and Damon, I found you too late. You should really consider recycling some older gems. Takes no time. Feeds the beast. C'mon, you've only made - what - one lousy comeback? Michael Jordan had six or seven. Grow some hair, Hosemaster. Or find a little wannabe hosette, to be your intern, and post up the great old stuff we new-timers missed out on. Post one a month fer chrissake. GIVE US SOMETHING TO HOPE FOR!!!
Oh Master HoseMaster, I am a johnny-come-lately to the joy of your work. I wish you rest and peace but mostly that you'll come back to it soon.
Hosey, Sorry to see you run away from us like that. But we all know you'll be back soon.
Hey Solomon, you new? Beautiful picture on your blog :-)
Noooooooo!! Say it ain't so!! A part of me died inside!! I hope one day to be able to read your wit once more!! In any case, if it ain't fun anymore.....I hope you have a great hiatus. I also hope you always think about coming back! I'll miss you!!
Just visiting....I miss you
I'll miss your humor - your's was one of the only Blogs I read regularly - it did make me chuckle
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