Monday, June 18, 2012

The HoseMaster's Crystal Balls

I foresee a lot of fascinating events happening in the wine business over the next decade. For those of you new to HoseMaster of Wine (my readership has skyrocketed ever since Oprah made me the first selection of her “Oprah’s Blog Club™”, narrowly beating out “Tales From the Plus Side”), my annual predictions, which I publish every so often, are considered must-reads by everyone in the wine business, as well as wine bloggers. Careers are destroyed and fortunes are made solely on the basis of the HoseMaster’s Crystal Balls. Here then is what I see in my crystal balls relating to wine and the wine business. You may rub them for good luck. 

Pinot Noir’s popularity will begin to wane after a major medical study shows that drinking Pinot Noir on a regular basis leads to Peter Allen’s Disease, sufferers of which just can’t stop humming show tunes.

Ampelographers will find DNA evidence that Zinfandel was spread through California by Paul Draper’s scat.

Sommeliers will discover, much to their surprise, that wine is made in Sonoma County. Sales of Trousseau Gris skyrocket.

The #1 wine in the Wine Spectator Top 100 will be made by an iPhone app, or else Thomas Rivers Brown (who is a winemaker, not a complete sentence).

To honor his 60 years on the throne, Robert Parker will ride a barge down the Garonne. The barge may or may not be visible. Before his historic trip there will be a concert by, who else, El DeBarge; afterward, the French government will bestow upon Mr. Parker their highest honor, the Legion de Pain GrillĂ©, and he will be toasted in the manner of Jeanne d’Arc, an event hosted by, who else, Johnny Dark.

Fred Franzia will release a new line of inexpensive wine made from Pignolo, Malbec and Roussane under his George Bernard Shaw label. The wine is called “Pigmalianne.” It will be nicknamed “Low Earnie Bernie.”

Orang County Wine Competition Judge    
A new wine competition will feature 4500 wines tasted blind and awarded medals by orangutans. In an eerie coincidence, results perfectly mirror the Orange County Fair awards, only with fewer double golds. And, man, can those orangs spit!

In order to fight runaway score inflation, Ben Bernanke announces that Wine Enthusiast critics will have their interest rates maintained at absolutely none.

Jay McInerney is replaced at the Wall Street Journal by noted wine expert Charlie Sheen, who’s screwed fewer celebrities but knows more about wine. Lettie Teague is replaced by a small appliance.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer introduces a Viagra-laced red wine in conjunction with Sonoma winery Woodenhead. 
If your erection lasts for more than four hours, you are advised to use an ah-so for easiest removal. The wine comes in a box.

The grape shortage is so severe in California that Barney the Dinosaur is tapped for MegaPurple. Desperate wineries trying to produce more wine resort to adding water to fermenting grapes. So, business as usual.

Sotheby’s is forced to admit it sold fake bottles of Chateau Mouton Rothschild when it’s revealed the labels have a picture of Art Linkletter on them. Meanwhile, Christie’s sets a new auction record with a bottle of Opus One from the cellar of Abraham Lincoln. Provenance of the wine is proven by its presence on the wine list at Ford’s Theater, where Lincoln often reserved a Booth. On the 1865 list, the Opus One is $400.

Every living M.W. will be abducted by an alien space ship. The aliens discover they go great with a glass of Pigmalianne, but cause bovine spongiform encephalopathy. The human race is spared by the M.W.’s last gasps as drive-thru fast food.

The James Beard Awards will take on Just For Men® as a corporate sponsor. Serena Sutcliffe dies her moustache.

Constellation changes its name to the more appropriate Death Star.

Wine forger Dr. Conti escapes from prison disguised as a bottle of 1928 Domaine Ponsot. He is recaptured at the airport where screeners won’t let him on the plane because he’s more than three ounces of liquid.

Researchers determine that European grape moths have banded together and come to California to help bail out Greece.



Unknown said...

Dear Ron ~

Always enjoy gazing into your balls, especially in this era of transparency. Cannot believe I beat the crowd to reply.

Jimmie Schnipke

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Yo Jimmie,

Long time, no see. Welcome back.

What crowd? No crowds here. Nothing to see. Less to do. The crowds are all over at STEVE!.

This sort of premise is just an exercise in joke writing, and rotten jokes at that. But it's fun to see how quickly I can write them. Quick, someone get me an editor. Or a lobotomy.

Unknown said...

But I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

John M. Kelly said...

LOVE Pigmalianne! Rex Harrison introduced me to it in order to improve my dicktion.

Thomas said...

The Pigmalianne was a stroke---of genius.

I can't, however, figure out the connection between a European grape moth going to California and a bail out of Greece. What am I missing?

winebookgirl said...

I am the third to say it but love: "Fred Franzia will release a new line of inexpensive wine made from Pignolo, Malbec and Roussane under his George Bernard Shaw label. The wine is called “Pigmalianne.”"

Dean Tudor said...

Ron, thanks for the laffs. I understand that the Constellation board was actually considering changes involving the words "Consolation" and "Consolidation". third place was "Consideration". "Death Star" was actually fifth, after "Death Wish"...Insider stuff.

Sorry, didn't mean to step on your turf...

Samantha Dugan said...

Death Star fucking killed me. Man, do I love you!

Samantha Dugan said...

Oh and Jimmie, be careful when gazing at The HoseMaster's crystal balls, there was a "spitting in the eye" comment in the last post and I can only imagine...

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't worry. Since there is no money in wine blogging, there can't be a 'money shot'.

- Alex I Thymia

Samantha Dugan said...

Sweet! So along with the blogging navel gazing I can now be a ball gazer too. Fan-tas-tic.

Anonymous said...

Oh man! The OC Fair wines are upon us. Thanks for the reminder (or was that a warning). 4500 entries, and 4500 medals. Found out today that Barefoot bubbly got Gold. Everyone's a wiener! It's the Special Olympics of wine.


Puff The Magic Dragon Daddy said...

Hello, this is Alice. I like your site. I take on toke in the morning and it makes me small and another and it makes me tall.

But the fruit wines that mother gives me don't do anything at all.

Unknown said...

Dear Lived By The Sea Daddy
Is this the summer of Love? It is spooky to come out of witness protection and find this. By the way, what did you choose, Heitz or Ridge? Sorry, Ron, old people reunion time.

Cash Crop Daddy said...


Welcome back. I hope the people who are after you don't read The Hosemaster.

Wound up choosing the Heitz '77. Probably not nearly so good as the '74 Martha's but likely to be more appreciated by Mrs. Olken who cares more for symbolism than for hedonism. Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean.

Where has all the young fruit gone?
Long-time passing.
Where has all the young fruit gone?
Long time ago.
Young somms have picked them every one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?