Thursday, August 2, 2012

What We're Reading

Compiled by the editors of HoseMaster of Wine

DECANTER: The magazine’s recent decision to use the 100 Point Scale when reviewing wines is graciously explained in a post entitled, “Taking it Up the Arse From Parker.” In the same issue, Gerald Asher explores the history of orange wines in “We Love the Smell of Arse in the Morning.” Asher explains the role of Cistercian monks in the creation of orange wines, noting that the aromas “reminded them of their early days in the church being buggered, a term that can be applied to those who purchase today’s orange wines.”

STEVE!: Nothing that happens in Oakland escapes Steve Heimoff’s attention, and in a recent post he writes about the resurgence of the Oakland A’s and how it relates to wine. “With wine, as with baseball, it doesn’t matter how big your budget is,” he writes in his signature haven’t-really-thought-it-through style, “we all come to play with our own balls.” The analogy loses some steam, though, when he begins to talk about being successful with men in scoring position.

WALL STREET JOURNAL: Jay McInerney writes a compelling and compassionate article “What the Poor People Are Drinking” in which he blind tastes wines under $40. “I felt so dirty,” he writes, “and so grateful that no one could see the labels of what was inside those brown bags; and yet now I understand the shame the average working man feels having to serve these wines to family and friends. I can’t get the taste of failure out of my mouth.” Lettie Teague has an interesting article on coasters.

1WINEDOODY: In his most fascinating video post yet, Joe Roberts uses Rock’em Sock’em Robots to explain the effects of high alcohol in wines, which he seems to be suffering from in the video. The effect is also aptly demonstrated when he drops his trousers, bends over, and reTweets.

WINE SPECTATOR: James Laube writes a fascinating editorial about “Personality in Wine” and how he’s never had any. The editors look at “Ten Virginia Wineries to Watch” and come up with three. Matt Kramer wonders at the recent California foie gras ban and fears that the same lawmakers will ban Wine Spectator for “similarly shoving absolute crap down people’s throats for years.” Tim Fish on the wine industry’s most important discovery--cardboard.

FOODANDWINE: Wine editor Ray Isle on why supermarket wines are best recommended by supermarket magazines. Turns out it’s like owning a pub near the circus—“if you set the bar too high, it offends the midgets.” Cleanup on Isle four, please. And the results of a Reader Survey answered by their subscriber.

SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE: Jon Bonne remarks on the newest trend in San Francisco restaurants, Transgender Sommeliers. “They seem to have a special affinity for orange wines,” he writes. Also, the Chronicle Tasting Panel sorts through the current trend of lower alcohol in wine, finding that, “not only do the wines express their terroir more intensely, you can refill your car battery with the leftovers.”

VORNOGRAPHY:  Alder makes the case for his inclusion in the Vintners Hall of Fame. “Please make sure and cast your ballots for whomever you think deserves the honor, Robert Parker or some damn Mirassou or other, but if you can find it in your heart, I’d appreciate a write-in vote. I’ll be there some day anyway, I’d just like to enjoy the honor sooner rather than later. I’m the greatest living wine blogger, and a gift to the wine industry.” Gerald Asher responds, “AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! My eyes, my eyes, I’m struck blind!”

WINE AND SPIRITS: Joshua Greene uncovers the allure of Greek wines, “although” he writes, “alcohol was banned in my college fraternity.” Patrick Comiskey sees the future of Washington wines, and it is Lemberger. “It’s rough, it’s harsh, it’s graceless, it’s everything I like in wine. A dead ringer for its cousin Danberger.”


Kathy said...

'“Ten Virginia Wineries to Watch” and come up with three."
And more. My reply? ha, ha, ha...and hysterical ha (sorta like how I laughed when Boris got stuck on the Olympic zip line.)
One reason why I will never blog....Hosemaster! (But don't hold me to it).

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Boris on the zip line was wonderful theater--an Olympic highlight to be sure. Now if only we could get Michael Phelps' mother up there and never let her down.

You should start a blog, Kathy! I'd be honored to lampoon you.

Kathy said...

Does lampoon come with a poodle?

Kathy said...

As an Olympic aside (and my daughter just discovered that God Save the Queen/King preempts America...)

How is it that Romania has more medals than the US?

I vote for Hosemaster "goes to the Olympics" (shuttlecocks are us). Otherwise you might need to pair wines with chicafilayayaya (yes, incorrect).

Unknown said...

Ron, you made me spit out my coffee on my computer, thanks for the continued laughs

Kathy said...

Sorry to be here again...but
Oops, thanks BBC. It is percentage of medal vs whatever people. Don't dis Romania (for so many reasons).
No, my real name is not Lehrer.

Thomas said...

That line about spitting coffee on one's computer/keyboard is getting too old to take seriously.

I spit my morning Riesling all over the front of my underwear, which is what I sit in while at the computer in the middle of a drought-stricken summer.

Oh, I forgot: there were some funny lines in this post--wish I could remember which...

Ron Washam, HMW said...


You're welcome to comment as many times as you like.

Four years ago is when I started the original HoseMaster of Wine, and I wrote a bunch of posts about those 2008 Olympic games--sadly, those posts are gone now, along with the cheesecake female Olympic athlete photos that accompanied them.

Lampoon doesn't come with a poodle. But any word with "poon" in it is, by definition, funny. Did Sally ride drink poonTang? See, hilarious!

Dean Tudor said...

Since you (or was it Josh?) brought it up, Ron, you should know that orange wines originated in Greece, and are the common source of all modern Greek wines, retsina notwithstanding. It goes with competing in the Olympics in the nude.

John Cesano said...

I love the format of this post, it allows one wonderful one-liner after another.

Pubs near the circus: “if you set the bar too high, it offends the midgets.” Wickedly delightful

Thanks for a veritable confection of a post.

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Obviously, I stole the format from the NY Times, where Asimov routinely links to the dullest and blandest writing on the Internet.

In my youth, I routinely spent a couple of hours every morning writing jokes. Just jokes. That's sort of what this is, only focused on the wine blogosphere. Sadly, there are so few blogs worth even mentioning that I end up lambasting the same targets over and over. Not that they don't deserve it, just that it would be nice to have some new faces to slap.

Samantha Dugan said...

I nearly horked my gin and tonic reading these! Is that better Thomas?

Thomas said...

Close enough, Sam.

Have fun on the East Coast...too bad you couldn't sneak in a day in the Finger Lakes.

1WineDoody said...

Very funny, as always, but I couldn't help noticing that nearly all of your descriptions in the current picks had either a "penchant for buggery" or are concerned with a, er... *specific area of anatomy*...

My advice is this: never blog before your daily BM. Because blogs are often a written BM... so they will not actually provide physical relief, so to speak...

Now if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to "freshen up."

Marcia Macomber said...

Wow! I believe #1 Wine Doody just opened up a whole new avenue here...

I, for one, learned long ago not to drink/hork/consume/imbibe anything while reading a HoseMaster post for the above and aforementioned reasons. (Sorry, Thomas, we don't have the same drought and necessity here for...hmmm...'moisture.')

Favorite line (amongst sooooooo many): "Lettie Teague has an interesting article on coasters." Such an interesting woman.

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Yeah, the whole Decanter thing set me off on the wrong chute, though, really, only a few entries were that scatological. But your advice is sound. However, on a personal note, I usually blog during my daily BM. I think that's rather obvious.


Thanks. I don't know, I just can't resist taking potshots at Lettie "She put the Teague in fatigue." The whole WSJ wine thing sucks a giant Jay.

And I also seem to be the HorkMaster of Wine.