Splooge Estate: The Fall Release Newsletter

Is there anything more satisfying than a new release of Splooge? Not as far as we can tell. We know how eagerly our Ejaculate™ members await their Fall releases. Don’t hold back! Your Splooge is on its way! You’ll find out more about the new wines below, but first we have a Harvest Report and News!

2012 Harvest

This looks to be a near perfect Harvest for the natural wines of Splooge Estate. Many wineries make false or disingenuous claims concerning how naturally their wines are made, utilizing marketing doublespeak like “sustainable,” “green,” or “LonelyAliceBait.” But no winery anywhere makes wines as naturally as Splooge Estate. We take extraordinary steps to insure that our wines taste and smell as though they made themselves right in the vineyard without any unnatural acts taking place at the property. Except for the sheep, but they were asking for it. And what goes better with Splooge than mutton?

We believe 2012 is our finest vintage to date. But we don’t really know, we just believe that. At Splooge Estate we allow our vines to do as they please, trusting that they know best, part of our philosophy that stems from admiration of Mother Nature’s wisdom as well as our being incapable of actually farming or making wine. Most wineries ruin their wines in late winter, before the new vintage even begins, with the cruelty of pruning. Authentic Natural Wines are made from grapevines that are never touched by man. Pruning is barbaric. At Splooge Estate, we don’t Lorena Bobbitt our vines any more than we carve our initials into them, a practice common at Harlan Estate. The same for goes for suckering, which makes the vines feel unattractive, as if you were popping their zits. No “ne pus ultra” wines at Splooge Estate.

Harvest began on September 7^th, or thereabouts. Time is yet another of man’s constructs that harms wine. Why is it always about when? When to Harvest, When to Drink, When to Suspend Disbelief? We don’t care about When. Or How. Or Why. We make Natural Wines, we don’t need to care. At Splooge Estate, we also don’t believe in the silly notion of Fruit, Root, Flower and Seed Days, or that the Moon influences our wines. The Moon is 240,000 miles away! Our bank is seven miles away. It has far more influence. And is equally lifeless.

The first grapes we harvested in 2012 are Cabernet Sauvignon. We expect to begin harvesting our Pinot Noir in a few weeks. The Cabernet vines are closest to the winery and, therefore, are always picked first. There is some thought among the Splooge Estate brain trust that we should be picking the Pinot Noir before the Cabernet, but, it remains financially unviable to move the winery. The Cabernet was brought in very gently. Our Nigerian crew was hired specifically to carry the baskets of Cabernet into the winery balanced on their heads, virtually undisturbed by any of the sort of damaging back and forth motion an ATV might deliver. The Nigerians are also a very tall people, which gives our wines higher acidity.

The grapes were destemmed, an exhausting process involving tweezers. Modern, environmentally destructive wineries use a mechanical device called, cleverly, a destemmer, which places the grapes in a cage and beats them with a paddle. Not only does this damage the grapes, it’s against the Geneva Convention, or it was until Obama took office. Once liberated from their stems, the grapes are gently placed into our Splooge Estate cement eggs to ferment. Our cement eggs are purely natural, and are actually fossilized dinosaur eggs. The Cabernet egg for the 2012 was harvested from Joan Rivers’.

Splooge Estate News

As you know, Splooge Estate does not submit its wines for review in major wine publications. We only submit to Wine Enthusiast. But we are happy to announce that our 2009 Splooge Estate Cabernet Sauvignon “The Wet Spot” won a Double Gold at the Esalen International Natural Wine Competition! Judges at this prestigious competition are nude when judging, which only adds to their objectivity, endurance and ability to detect off-aromas. If you don’t personally know any wine judges, we respectfully beg you to NEVER LOOK AT THE COMPETITION PHOTOS. Only the Chardonnays entered are flabbier. And the judges apparently never talk about length.

Splooge Estate was honored by a visit from wine writer Alice Feiring. Alice is publishing a brand new newsletter devoted to natural wines. Her first article, which focuses on white wines, is entitled “Feiring Blancs.” Appropriately, she spends a lot of time on Splooge. We think it’s about time.