Compiled by the editors of HoseMaster of Wine
WINE AND SPIRITS
: Joshua Greene pens an editorial about the new tasting policy at Wine and Spirits. “We don’t just intend to give our readers the most accurate scores, we intend to give them the highest scores as well. We’re the #1 publication when it comes to shelf talkers! Suck it, Connoisseurs’ Guide.” As for tasting blind, “It’s an enormous waste of precious natural resources to put each wine into a bag—and, besides, we’ve found that is usually soaks through the bag and leaks like a bastard.” Wine and Spirits is currently ranked 15th in wine magazine newsstand sales, right behind Yeast Infection Weekly
. Also, check out the interesting piece about Patrick Comiskey’s tongue map. Turns out it’s not exclusively located between his own cheeks.
: Golly, there’s just so much to read over at 1WineDude
. There’s the Weekly Wine Quiz—this week’s puzzler is “What’s the difference between Appellation and Appalachian?” Easy, Joe, one’s in wine, the other’s inbred. And you won’t want to go shopping for wine without Joe’s brief and essentially useless Tweets about wines he’s recently tasted. My pick this week is Joe’s review of 2010 Coppola “Director’s Cut” Zinfandel, “Berried in cement shoes, I just love the smell of olive--nay, palm--in the morning. B+” Yeah, we don't get it either. Finally, follow the link to Joe’s latest, oh-so-hip post for Playboy.com, “Riedel’s new Bodily Orifice™ Tasting Glasses.”
: James Laube writes about his seven favorite ways to taste wine, and why Zin is best rectally. “For one thing, they just usually don’t have those damned wax seals like expensive Cabernet often does. Those things chap.” Bruce Sanderson on the newest winegrowing region in Italy, Ciro! “I didn’t even know they made wine down there. I thought Gaglioppo was one of the Marx Brothers. Hey, it’s new to me!” And don’t miss Tim Fish’s touching post about how petting winery doggies helps him sleep.
WALL STREET JOURNAL
: What’s the biggest problem for our wealthiest wine connoisseurs? No, it’s not finding Chinese coolies to dig an authentic wine cave, you can find them on any local college campus. Rather, Jay McInerney writes, “it’s how lousy your First Growth Bordeaux taste at 25,000 feet.” It’s the heartbreak of owning your own luxury jet and not being able to drink your best wines in flight. “Cabin pressure can make ’59 Margaux taste like 59-year-old Margaux Hemingway—tough and leathery.” It’s the story of an unheralded American tragedy, “Sober at the Mile High Club.” McInerney interviews a Wall Street tycoon who tried to have his jet pressurized to sea level readings only to have his hair plugs launched to the Space Shuttle. Lettie Teague on the romance of wines wrapped in tissue.
: Michael Broadbent opines that 80% of the wines in the auction market are frauds, “Which is considerably lower than the percentage of MS’s who are.” Broadbent goes on to offer tips on how to spot fraudulent offerings. “Genuine cases of 1982 Bordeaux did not come with free gum.” Andrew Jeffords bemoans the lack of civility on the Internet in a piece entitled, “Assholes with Computers.” Tom Stevenson takes a look at the disastrous 2012 vintage in Champagne, noting that, “the vineyards were devastated by hailstones the size of the bubbles in Mumm’s Cordon Rouge.”
: Amazon is about to begin selling wine, and Tom Wark has a few thoughts. “First of all,” he notes, “it’s against federal law to have a smiley logo on a box with alcohol in it. So I’m guessing they’ll ship the wine boxes upside down.” Wark also reflects on whether Amazon will have Customer Reviews of wines. “Am I ever going to buy a bottle of wine based on the opinion of someone I don’t know and who has no background or knowledge about wine? That’s stupid. We have bloggers for that.” And he asks the provocative question, “Will Amazon do for wine what phones did for Angry Birds?” Hard to find this kind of insight outside of “Parade” magazine.
: You won’t want to miss the surprising winners of Wine Enthusiast
’s Wine Star Awards. The Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Pancho Campo who “graciously and unceremoniously managed to wring Dr. Jay Miller’s neck, though no one had seen it for several years, while simultaneously disgracing M.W.’s everywhere. Damn, if only he’d gone to Penn State too.” The new category Sommelier of the Year ended without a winner. “We just couldn’t find them.” And in a major upset, over the objections of critic Virginie Boone, who denied there was a loophole in the category’s rules, Wine Region of the Year went to Sta. Rita Hills. Sorry, but, Yes, Virginie, there is a Sta. clause.
I would say you jumped the shark on those last nine words, but you would likely argue that happened the second (or third) time you stopped writing this blog.
(This was uniformly hilarious, as usual.)
I have an unusual fondness for going way out into left field and back for insidiously stupid puns. I hated that last one, which is why I love it. It's labored, and then not that big a payoff. Something about all that kills me. Plus the stupid compromise to use Sta. instead of Santa always makes me laugh too. So that one was for me.
I will say, however, that the phrase "jumped the shark" may be the worst new cliche of the last twenty years. And that's quite a huge category.
I stopped writing this blog a long time ago. It writes me.
Gagliocco Marx and Miller's missing neck--great stuff.
Oops, Gaglioppo--head out of ass now...
"New" cliche? Where ya been the last 15 years?
Gawd I love my Monday morning HoseMaster laughter. Thanks Love, for taking the time to do this, I look forward to it more than you can know. I love you!
There's something about the near simultaneous arrival of the news on Fermentation about wine entering unusual orifices and your "Riedel’s new Bodily Orifice" glass that seems suspicious....
Yes, the neck thing was special! And, yes, you could see the Virginie Boone thing coming a mile away. But, of course, there was no way to resist it!
"Berried in cement shoes"? Nice riff on the Dude.
I thought the same damn thing when I read Tom's post, "Why didn't the kid use Ron's glass?"! Too funny
Marcia, I've long suspected Ron gets his inspiration from watching Anderon Cooper's "Ridiculist" (formerly: Rich Sanchez's "List You Don't Want To Be On").
Now I have proof positive that he and Tom sit together in a darkened basement in their BVDs holding sweaty glasses of Manhattans and watch AC 360.
They wear boxers, at least that's what Sam told me.
Hey, hey now, I don't know nothing about no one's crunders...
Yes, Virginie, there is a Sta. clause is so bad that it is great. That's the thing about puns. Loved it.
Too bad about Jay's neck. Campo hung him out to dry, but we didn't know that he was hung from the neck until dead.
Oddly, I wrote this nonsense at least a week ago (I try to stay four to five posts ahead for my own sanity, if I had any), so it was done before I saw Wark's post.
Honestly, what's hard about writing these What We're Reading posts is how few interesting AND well-known wine blogs or publications there are. I end up making fun of the same dozen or so. Granted, it's just a format for cheap gags, but it would be nice if the wine blogosphere were more interesting. From where I sit, it ain't.
Who you telling?! I spent like an hour yesterday reading about domestic Ribolla....dude. Thank goodness we still have you!
Thanks for defining white trash with inbred wine. Sort of like a grape hybrid wine with built-in TCA. Good luck selling that one!!
As for Margaux Hemingway, she was 42 when she died, so she has a right to be tough and leathery. No excuses....
I laughed so hard I wet my pants. Yes, it did smell like "Sunset Blush" and I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I assume it was after reading this post.
There are many reasons why I read Hosemaster. Mostly, your play on words, Ron (and the bleacher fans). Another reason is that the words are black type on white background. No insane art director.
"...the words are black type on white background. No insane art director."
You are my kind of lady.
I've been meaning to write a letter to the NY Times Sunday Magazine editors about their stupid habit of printing white type on black pages.
You know, I'd forgotten Margaux Hemingway was dead. She was For Whom the Bell Tolled, or at least a dead ringer for same.
I seem to be responsible for a lot of expectorated coffee and wet underwear. I'm so proud.
I don't need an art director to be insane. I have genes on my side. And also in my Sunset Blush hole.
You know, Ron, if you could invent a cleaning formula to get all that coffee and liquid excrement out--well, you'd be able to blog for free forever!
I'm counting the days until I wake up one morning and quit blogging again. I way overdue for yet another retirement.
A great read before I head out to try to sell wine. Thanks Hosemaster!
"...way overdue for yet another retirement."
Shouldn't we be the judges of that???
You're welcome. Good luck with the sales. Hey, send me some for review, HoseMaster style...
I love to blatantly beg.
No. Or anything else.
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