Monday, August 26, 2013

10 Things Every Wine Lover Should Know About...Splooge Estate

If their vineyards could talk, they’d bore the crap out of you.

No. 1. The Rarest of Varieties

Splooge Estate is planted to many of the rarest grape varieties in the world. These varieties are so rare that so-called “critics” are simply unqualified to judge them, resulting in meaningless “scores.” Assholes. Among those grapes is Swiss Colombard, a more neutral version of its French cousin. And being more neutral than French Colombard is like being more insipid than Pinot Noir Rosé. Swiss Colombard is notoriously immune to the effects of biodynamic farming, which is why the Splooge Estate Swiss Colombard is named “What’s the Matter, Horn?” The estate is also home to Petite Verge, known for being the saddest grape variety. Though the women on our mailing list can’t seem to get enough Petite Verge. They often ask, “Is it in yet?” Splooge Estate also has the only known plantings of Tempradillo, which we crush by running it over with our cars.

No. 2. The Moon is Our Mistress

At Splooge Estate, careful attention is paid to the lunar calendar. Especially the one with nude biodynamic chicks. (Not women, actual chicks. The nude chicks prepare special biodynamic formulas for the roosters—the famous cock teas.) Splooge Estate pays careful attention to phases of the moon in all of its farming decisions. Science is so last millennia. What makes a wine special is a wine grown according to the dictates of the moon. This makes perfect sense when you consider that the moon has gravity on its side whereas the sun only has light, warmth, and the fact that we’d be dead without it. Plus, the moon is more romantic, and romance sells wine.

No. 3. Wines with Feeling

Many people now make wines that are Authentic. Lots of wineries proclaim that their wines are Honest. Not like those other Lying Bastard wines. But only Splooge Estate’s wines are Certified Sensitive®. Their wines have been proven to have genuine feelings, feelings that can easily be damaged by casually cruel remarks like, “Jesus, this wine smells like stink finger.” It’s important to remember that any Splooge Estate wine you try that isn’t to your satisfaction may be your fault. You may have insulted its integrity, which can throw a Certified Sensitive® wine off, make it smell like it peed its own pants. Splooge Estate wines are not just Natural, Real, Honest and Authentic, indefinable words that you have to trust simply because the winery uses them, Splooge Estate wines also have feelings, and will thank you to keep your stupid wine opinions to yourself.

No. 4. Pricing is Whimsical

The owners of Splooge Estate, Richard and Carlotta Splooge, initially tasted their first vintages against the best $40 wines they could find. “Our wines were clearly equal to the best $40 wines, and mostly superior,” says Lotta, “and we were going to price our wines at $40.” “But then,” Dick chimes in, “we thought, why not taste them alongside wines costing $100! Turns out, they were as good as those wines too. So we were able to justify charging $100. Whew! That was a close one. We nearly undercharged for our wines. Now we’re in the classic Forty Dollar Wine for A Hundred category that all the best California wines are in.”

No. 5. It’s the Farming, Stupid

No expense is spared in farming the Natural, Honest, Authentic, Real, Genuine, Precious, Energetic, Vegan, Licensed Massage Therapist, Empathetic wines of Splooge Estate. Many of the techniques are unique to Splooge. For example, each vine is given a name. Vineyard workers are required to take roll call every morning, ask each vine how it’s feeling. If a vine is not feeling well, it’s given the day off. The naming and personal care of the vines instills self-esteem in the vineyard. It’s widely accepted that vines with low self-esteem produce wines that are often abused, and alcohol abuse is a big problem in this country. If vineyards had more self-esteem, there would be fewer alcohol-related deaths on our highways. Splooge Estate is leading the way in producing wines that find the true balance between low self-esteem and being Certified Sensitive®. In this way, the wines reflect the personalities of Natural Wine's most vocal proponents.

No. 6. Climate Change is Another Name for Opportunity

Lotta Splooge points out, “We could try to sell our wines on quality, but nowadays people just want to know how wine is made, its impact on the environment. So we don’t worry about quality or taste, we worry about the process. At Splooge Estate, Quality is Job Two. Our customers, the folks who insist on Natural Wine, they’ll overlook faults in the wine. What they won’t overlook is insincerity. We spend unspeakable amounts of money on appearing sincere.”

No. 7. Other Wines Suck   

Splooge Estate has been the Natural Wine leader in pointing out that Other Wines suck. “It’s not that they mean to suck,” Dick Splooge ejaculates, “it’s just that they don’t know any better. And if we in the Natural Wine community don’t point out that other wines suck plough horse dong, we’re doing them a disservice.”

No. 8. Sulfites? Never Heard of ‘Em!

Splooge Estate has taken the position that adding sulfites at bottling takes all the fun out of wine. “We like bottle variation,” says Lotta Splooge. “Why buy a case of twelve bottles that are the same when you can buy a case of Splooge Estate ‘What’s the Matter, Horn?’ and get twelve completely different experiences? And, as a bonus, when you drink a bottle of Splooge Estate wine you’re helping to repopulate the microbial soup in your intestines! Yes, take it from Hollywood celebrities, Splooge in your intestines is good for you!”

No. 9. Did We Mention, Other Wines All Suck?

There are two kinds of wine. Natural wines that express terroir whether your lousy palate can discern it or not, and which represent all the greatest wines on the planet, and other wines which totally suck. And the best part is, you don’t even have to taste them side by side in a blind tasting to know which is which. Just buy the wines that say they’re Natural. Just like professional baseball players, wine producers don’t lie.

No. 10. What You Drink Says A Lot About Who You Are

In a world that you’ve played your part in ruining for future generations, a world ruined by your greed and consumption of precious resources, do you really want to be seen drinking wines that aren’t like Splooge Estate? Natural and Honest, Real and Sincere, Authentic and Certified Sensitive®? What kind of a monster are you? The nice people at Splooge Estate hope you rot in Hell.


Joakim said...

My order is in the mail!!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

With Splooge Estate, your order is in the male.

Couldn't resist.

Joakim said...

Who could resist Splooge...

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Oh you could have resisted...

PaulG said...

I ain't no Scrooge, I'll splurge on Splooge!

clay h. said...

love it! I wonder if they've given any thought to grafting over some of the petite verge to vaselino grosso, to maybe catch the next wave?

Unknown said...

Without the laughs, it was almost as jaw dropping dull as one of hawk wakawakawakawakawaka's columns... ahaha!!

Marcia Macomber said...

Dear Hosé:

It's stunning how many great laughs you squeeze into #1 alone! I couldn't pick a favorite, but "Tempradillo" certainly makes an interesting addition to vitis vinifera.

Clay's gonna give you a run for it though with vaselino grosso. Touché!

This is a new Hosemaster Classic. Get 'em while they're hot!

Thomas said...

Funny. Just hope the HoseMaster hasn't shot his wad with this one.

Dean Tudor said...

Yes, it is a classic. And in fact, it is actually too true to be funny. Nevertheless....a classic top 40 hit.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Vaselino grosso! Very nice.

Hey Gang,
Over at they do a regular feature called 10 Things Every Wine Lover Should Know About...which always reads like a marketing person for the winery wrote it. Like one of those paid TV shows that pretends to be real. Anyhow, I thought I'd steal the lame format to bring back one of my favorite HoseMaster characters, Splooge Estate.

Nothing but cheap comedy. Plenty of "truth," but just a vehicle for jokes mostly. Hey, it's summer, hard to be really serious.

Thank you for all the kind words.

Quizicat said...

"is planted to many" Hmmm.

And I think the ladies might prefer Tempradildo.

You must have been in a fine frame of mind when you wrote this one.
Mission accomplished!

Unknown said...

I dunno. It always seems that producers who worry about grapes with low self-esteem end up with spoilt wines. What does self-esteem taste like anyway?

The Sommeliere said...

My DH once brought me some Splooge Estate, but it exploded on me!

LeoFerrando said...

Can't stop laughing ! Lots of true facts within the witty sarcasms. Please do not evolve into a normal blogger. Thanks !

Ron Washam, HMW said...

"is planted to many" may not be perfectly proper grammar, but it's the way wineries speak.

Tempradildo was my nickname in college.

Self-esteem tastes like, well, Splooge. So I have no idea. I swear.

Marlene Darling,
Must have been the unfiltered Splooge, which has a warning label, by the way. Read it next time.

That would be "devolve into a normal wine blogger." I don't think you have to worry about that, even counting my lame wine reviews.

Anonymous said...

Are most jobs at Splooge done by hand?

Unknown said...

without sulfur, how do they clean the splooge that spills out of their bung holes?

Unknown said...

#6 is my favorite, but maybe too true to even be funny.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

In a pinch, of course. So you want to be careful if the cellar crew calls and asks you to lend them one.

Don't we all just love the Splooge Estate jokes? They write themselves.

Come on, you know sulfur is perfectly acceptable for natural wines! That faint whiff of Satan. And the impeccable winemaking team at Splooge Estate never has leaky bung holes.

Oh, I'm not even aiming for funny. Which is why I rarely hit that mark.