Monday, April 7, 2014

The HoseMaster's Comprehensive Guide to Wine 4

In this chapter of my indispensable Comprehensive Guide to Wine, I teach you how to choose a white wine. Why you would want to is a mystery to me, but I'm willing to help anyway. I'll run you through the major white varieties, and what makes them inferior to red wines by definition. It's wine racism at its best! But you'll have to make the first Monday leap over to Tim Atkin's site in order to be enlightened. Please feel free to comment there, it makes an M.W. happy that someone talks to him, or, if you prefer, leave your little bundle of joy on my doorstep, right next to the flaming bag of Poodle poop.



Robin said...

Can you honestly say some of the great white wines of the world (German Riesling, Puligny Montrachet, Sauterne, etc) are inferior to red wines? Who are you and what are you smoking?!!!

Charlie Olken said...

Thank you, Robin, for asking such an important question.

We have long wondered the same thing--we just hope it is the same thing we are smoking.

Marcia Macomber said...

So many wonderful lines (still can't post any comments to Mr. Atkins' website from my browser)!

'Rieslings conquering the world' - love it -- and 'white rappers.' (Well there is Eminem, but that's really it, right?)

My favorite though -- 'Rousanne'! I don't think it's obscure but maybe others won't get the reference! An excellent choice on the 'red light' line.

Unknown said...

My guess is some high grade grass grown specifically for him at one of those grow ops north of Healdsburg... for whites I like a cold Viognier in the summer if it's not too fruity and a nice smoky chard on a crisp fall afternoon.. but man, do I hate Riesling.. why oh why, do somms push those dreadful sugar bombs on people? Especially at dessert where you think you're going into a diabetic coma if you have one more sip or bite..

Charlie Olken said...

Ah, but have you ever had one of those Rieslings when you have smoked one of Ron's special joints? Better than chocolate.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

It's comedy. The HoseMaster is a character, not a real human. I'm also not a real human, but that's a different story. Personally, I love white wine as much as I love red. OK, not really, but close.

Sadly, I've never had to smoke anything to think this stuff up. I'm just nuts.

Marcia Love,
Yup, nothing like really stupid jokes to make me happy, and Roussanne fits that description perfectly. The rare joke of mine I actually like.

I like good Viognier, but can't say I reach for them very often. I do love dry Chenin Blanc, Soave Classico from a great producer, a good Rhone blend featuring Marsanne, and, now and then, Riesling. Oh, and so many more--Fiano, Greco, Albarino, and every know and then I feel the urge to kiss my Assyrtiko.

I haven't had my joint smoked in way too long.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Hey, did you know you are just as funny in French?! Can't say that I'm at all terribly surprised. Greetings from Angers Love, no better way to start my day here than with a big dose of my beloved HoseMaster! I love you so.

Dean Tudor said...

Ron Washam-Dryem -- time to step forward as a replacement for Letterman. You'd fit CBS to a tee...BUT can you stay up until 1AM to see the show through? You may have to move to New York and deal with Finger Lake wines (just declared a disaster area by the Gov) or Long Island wines..

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
Oh, Baby, if you think I'm funny in French, you should try me in Greek.

Enjoy your trip to Champagne, Love. Think of me when you see them disgorge.

I'm damned near as old as Letterman--I don't think I'm the demographic CBS is after. Maybe I can replace Maury Povich. Love the paternity tests--just like an MW. A lot of blind tasting.