Monday, May 5, 2014

Forbidden Love: A Confession

I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this confession. And, to be perfectly honest, I know that after reading it, you’re going to think differently about me, think much less of me, for the most part. But I’m tired of hiding who I am, tired of pretending that I’m “normal.” Whatever that is. Like you’re so normal. I can’t help who I am. It wasn’t a choice I made, it was simply about accepting what I felt, no longer keeping it hidden from the world. So please try to keep an open mind. Don’t judge me.

I mean, I was raised to believe, like most of you, that romantic love was meant to be between a man and a woman. Or maybe a man and several women. Or maybe a man and a really ripe bleu cheese. So it’s been hard for me to accept my own desires, to finally admit to myself, and now to the world, that I’m not like “normal” men. I feel a strong sexual desire that most people, especially religious people, would find repellent. I get that. I look in the mirror and I feel repulsion. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I’ve heaped scorn upon people, insulted them, called them derogatory names, for feeling the desires and needs I’m feeling myself now. But I think I’m ready to accept the name-calling, the dirty stares, the revulsion people will feel when I make my confession. I hope I’m ready. OK, here goes.

For the rest of the truth about my Forbidden Love, you'll have to go to Tim Atkin's site. Oh, it's sordid, and hugely embarrassing, but, well, it's simply time for me to admit my horrible sexual persuasion.

Feel free to leave your taunts and name-calling at Tim's place, or hurl your epithets here, where hurling is King.



Charlie Olken said...

I believe Mr. Atkin thought you were talking about him at the beginning of the article.

Loved "screamed her name/so did she".

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Charlie,
I might have been tempted to go that way, but that would have made it a different piece altogether.

This was one of those pieces the origin of which is unclear even to me, the guy who wrote it. Perhaps in the back of my mind, where it's really cluttered and filled with dust bunnies, I had been thinking about the unwarranted admiration sommeliers and MW's attract. So many "About" posts on blogs mention someone studying for some wine letters after their name, as though this is an admirable or difficult pursuit. No matter, I simply started with the notion, what if MW's were seen as pariahs, untouchables, what would it be like then to have to admit you had overwhelming desire for one of them? Tim is simply generous and kind enough to let me write and say whatever I want. He has been unspeakably supportive of the HoseMaster of Wine™, has made me a well-known writer to a whole new audience (many of them MW's), and I'm very grateful to him.

Charlie Olken said...

Hey, grateful is one thing. Falling in love is another.

Oh, and "hole cluster" was a brilliant inspiration as well.

I thought it was one of your classic pieces because you accomplished your purpose of message with humor.


Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thanks. That sort of satire is what I enjoy writing the most. The pieces that are countless jokes strung together are more an exercise for me than an inspiration. But, it seems, people like the latter better. Not that I care.

Steve Lay said...

But did you feel cheap or at the least used. What would be the narrative from her side had she had some literary skills and documented her feelings? MW feelings seem to run the gambit and somewhat twisted.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I pretty much always feel cheap and used. I'm the Salvation Army of wine bloggers.

There was a time when I planned to write a Lo Hai Qu piece where she seduced a bunch of MW's, but that seems to have morphed into this piece, which I like better conceptually. Lo has enough problems.

Unknown said...

Is there anything more obnoxious than wine geeks spouting wine geek blather.. yes there is! Foodie blather! Alan Richman has got a piece in GQ this month on going to the dark side by eating veggies.. when I interviewed him he said, vegans aren't human beings, they don't dress, look or eat like humans, if the X-Files were looking for aliens, all they had to was go to a vegan restaurant.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Ah, well, one could be King of Blather by talking on and on about Natural Vegan Wines. I've seen a few wineries proclaim on their labels that their wines are vegan, which strikes me as being like labeling Scotch "Gluten Free." Yeah, that's the audience you want to play to.

Samantha Dugan said...

Least you made me laugh about it. I'm with Charlie, this is an instant classic. I love you!

Martin said...

Brilliant as ever. Have never thought of a wine thief in this way. I may have to steal one, not buy, from the next winery I go to. I mean, let's keep it sordid and dirty.
Loved the small rinse too.
But, you know all the best documentaries and news items, in the interests of public health and safety, about people with problems leave a help number in case the item has provoked emotional trauma.

In that vein anybody who has unresolved MW fantasies should contact me and I'll work with them on it, especially if they are attractive wealthy women with OWCD obsessive wine collecting disorder).

Martin Moran MW

Marcia Macomber said...

Good Lawd! Gotta take a shower... No, you can't watch...or join.

"Hole cluster" my ass! That was wildly wicked. Indeed a classic. Ah, the twisted mind...

Best be careful the dang TTB doesn't start insisting upon a warning label for your posts. :-)

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
Oh, I'm sorry, Love. Just time to come out of the wine closet. Don't know about instant classic, but I'll take it.

I love you so!

So kind of you to lend your MW services to such a worthy cause. I'm sure you'll be able to help many women who lust for an MW.

But be careful what you wish for. MW groupies? Yikes.

Marcia Love,
Don't worry about the TTB, but try never to read HoseMaster while pregnant or operating heavy machinery. Or showering alone.

Unknown said...

To quote Agatha Christie, "Is coarseness a substitute for wit, I ask myself?"

Ok, ok...I even laughed a bit at this post and I do love reading your posts. They are well written and I often laugh heartily. I have also tried to convince Tim to talk you into going on Twitter!

And though I'm a Jonathan Swift fan, I do have to ask - as an MW allows you to use his site and you say it directly in your comments- do you really feel respect or admiration for MWs is unwarranted or that the letters are not difficult to achieve?

For those of your readers who don't know, the MW involves identifying 36 wines blind, passing four days of essays on viticulture, vilification, wine business, QAQC and contemporary issues, all from a global perspective, and (only if you pass the tasting and written which generally has less than a 10% pass rate) you have six months to write a dissertation/ research paper. I'd argue it's quite difficult.

I also notice that you yourself have your own little letters after your title of HoseMaster of Wine...trademark (TM). I'd say those are important letters for branding yourself. You obviously found value in pursuing it.

And why pick on female MWs? There are more female astronauts than female MWs (in the US anyway...there's only 11 in the last 26 years). I guess that makes us "low hanging fruit" and an easy target.

I probably should have seen this coming, like the Ricky Gervais host performance at the Golden Globes.

Guess it was just our turn on the grill.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hello Jennifer,

Yes, that great wit Agatha Christie is certainly an authority.

You mustn't confuse me with my Voice, the HoseMaster. Satire is intended to provoke, to be ribald and tasteless when required, and to vilify the powerful. In the wine biz, MW's are among the powerful.

Of course it's difficult to obtain an MW. And I do have great respect for the achievement. But I don't automatically associate the achiever with the respect I have for the office. I don't particularly care about letters after anyone's name. Which is why I simply made up my own set to put after mine. We all assign them value they often don't warrant.

I don't have the least interest in Twitter. I waste enough of my life here. I did create a silly brand, the HoseMaster of Wine™ (the ™ is also simply braggadocio), but only inadvertently.

Were I a woman, I would have gladly made the object of my affection a man. The sex of the MW wasn't ever the point. Had I chose a male MW as my fictional lover, it changes the whole piece and its focus. Though I certainly could have written the first person voice as a woman. Didn't think of that.

Thank you for commenting, Jennifer. Swift's words on satire are always prescient, and have been demonstrated to me on many, many, too many to count, occasions.

Joe Roberts said...

"I screamed her name when I climaxed, and, as you’d expect from an MW, so did she."

Spit my coffee on that line, bravo, sir!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I know it's confusing, my friend, but you're supposed to spit wine, not coffee. You're welcome.

Randy Caparoso: said...

Ron, we ordinary wine people continue to live vicariously through your preposterously public private impurities... thank you for going where few would...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Ah, well, as they say, somebody's gotta do it. I'm hoping to inspire others with the same MW fetish to come out of the wine closet, too. Though it's possible I'm the only one.