Monday, July 6, 2015

Le Flash in Le Pan

Le Pan in the Ass


Le Pan is the only wine magazine that answers the questions to which real wine connoisseurs need answers. Is my private jet a good place to store my First Growths? How does cabin pressure affect Champagne—does it make it just like fine wine sales in China? Flat? Should Grand Cru Burgundy smell like where I stable my polo ponies? Or worse, where I house my sweatshop employees? How do I know auction bottles are genuine, and not fake like the Cartier watches my factory slaves make? Do stupid Americans actually buy Yao Ming’s Cabernet?

There's a new wine rag in town, Le Pan. After you read this letter from the publisher, a Master of Wine, no less, you'll want to subscribe. Or commit suicide. I'll probably do both. To read the rest of the publisher's letter, head directly to Tim Atkin M.W., the only M.W. not on Le Pan's masthead, I think. And feel free to respond over at Tim's, or leave your response here inside a fortune cookie.



Unknown said...

Jeez Ron, I know SFA but looking forward to your rantings every time.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thanks. I think. I don't know SFA either. Really. I don't know SFA. Some kind of hip Intergnats abbreviation, I guess. No matter, thanks for being a common tater.

Daniel said...

Classic work. The scary thing is how little you had to change their words.
Upholding the old adage " it's only funny because it's true".

Or perhaps "alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems."

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I wrote the piece at Tim's suggestion. He emailed me a link to the Le Pan website, and it was love at first sight for me. I'd never even heard of the rag, but Tim knew it was HoseMaster material. One of the rare times I've received a suggestion that I actually took. Not just for the blog, but in life. For one thing, it turns out it's really hard to Go Fuck Yourself. Tough Club to be in.

Le Pan is clearly aimed at the wealthy Asian market, which is impressed by all things Western and MW. But it needs a solid Western readership to give it authority. I'm guessing ultimately it's about selling more real estate. The expensive wine just attracts the right crowd.

Martin said...

Wonderful, as ever. I like the'wines that will make you lose more face than a tank driver in Tiananmen Square'

Maybe I should be worried. I'm an MW and I'm not on their pay roll.I can be bought though and I'll even pretend to like polo. Also the free samples I get tend to come from supermarkets and cost less than €10. Clearly I have no life or style, which is probably why no one has bothered to try and buy me.

Martin Moran MW
PS. Yes we are better than MSs and I'll tell you why.... Ok, maybe I won't.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hang in there. Le Pan may buy you yet. Buying MWs is addictive. They'll want to buy all of them now that they have six. They're all so cute! Having six is like having your own set of wine Teletubbies! I just hope your owner is willing to sell.

Thanks for being a common tater, MW.

Martin said...

LOL. Gosh, like being a teletubby. No finer simili.

Pecos said...

Le Pan means "the bread" in French. Kind of misleading don't you think? I'd seriously rather read a book about bread anyways.

Charlie Olken said...

Not meaning to quibble, but "bread" in French is "pain", which breads in France definitely are not. Recent trip to Paris found the range of bread to be even wider than here in San Francisco where good bread is mandatory. And the cheeses, yes we have good cheeses here, even French-bred cheeses, but there was something magical about a fresh-baked seeded baguette and ripe, tasty cheese.

David said...

Le Pan actually means "the pan" - I guess they are referring to how they like their MW's... When they're not wearing their Teletubby dress.

Thanks Ron - another great introduction to a magazine that I will never read. I had a look at their webpage and the articles sounded like they had been published 8-10 years ago - especially the one on "The war wages between capsule and cork"... Just pop the bloody thing and don't worry if you have that amount of money! No, actually, pop 36 and take a bath with your favorite (Tele-)tubby in your tub - capsule or cork, it doesn't matter.


Unknown said...

Hello! I'm from China and i've read the letter on Tim's page. but excuse me for my poor English, im confused about who indeed wrote this letter. Is that you?