Monday, January 16, 2017

Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine, Explains His First 90 Days

“Three score and ten years ago, my father brought forth upon the incontinent a new President, conceived in a couple of seconds and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, and all women are basically available.”

How’s that for an opening to my big speech? I just made Lincoln better, folks. “Honest Abe.” Where does that come from? Let me tell you something. Lincoln was our most overrated President. Very unpopular. I mean, they shot him in a Booth! What does that tell you? I’ll tell you what it tells you, the guy was a loser. Yeah, sure, he freed the slaves, the Great Ejaculator and all that. So what? I like Presidents that finish their terms. He’s got a nice Memorial though, that Lincoln Memorial, I’ll give him that. Have you seen it? Classy, like something I’d have on my front lawn. I’ll definitely have the greatest memorial ever. I’m telling you, folks, it’s going to be the greatest memorial ever. It’ll be yuge! My hair will be made of solid gold. Maybe I’ll have that Jeff Koons build it. He’s a great artist, the greatest, have you seen those big shiny balloon animals he makes?, they’re fantastic. A guy that can make shiny balloon animals is the perfect guy to make my memorial, and, folks, you know I love Koons. Anyway, wait until you see my Emperor of Wine Memorial. I know most of you can’t wait.

It’s 2017, can you believe it, and I’m your New Emperor of Wine. I’m going to get right to work fixing wine. There’s a lot to do. A lot to do. I have a list of what I’m going to do in the first ninety days I’m Emperor of Wine. In just the first ninety days, I know, it’s incredible, it’s fantastic. These things are going to happen, folks, because I’m here to make wine great again. I’m here to be everybody’s Emperor of Wine.

The first thing that’s going to happen is I’m going to appoint my staff. These are people you can trust to do their best for wine, and they’re all incredible people, just brilliant, and they all want to work for me. I mean, just listen to these names, folks, these are big names, the biggest, it’s just incredible.

I’m appointing Jon Bonné to taste all the wines from Australia. Jon is the greatest wine writer working today, bar none, the greatest. He knows so many words, folks, so many words. I mean, you go to dinner with him, he literally sits on a dictionary! It’s amazing. “Malolactic”—he knows what that means! I thought it was my wife’s real name, Malolactic, and that’s what makes her so creamy. Jon’s going to be fantastic, and I know he’s going to fix Australian wine. I don’t like Australian wine. Not one bit. Yellow Tail? That’s fake news, folks. I’m don’t do that. I know Jon is going to make sure Australian wines get back on track. He’s the leading authority on Australian wines and wrote a book on it, “The New California Wines.” These are great credentials.

Speaking of California, everybody wants to know what I think about California. Overrated. It’s the most overrated state in the union, the most overrated. And the most overrated wines in the world are California wines. They all taste the same. I’ve tasted them all, folks, and they all taste the same, like they passed through your Colin Powell. And it’s not going to matter anyway. In the first ninety days, I’m going to build a wall. And the Mexicans are going to pay for it. Now I didn’t say how they were going to pay for it, but they are, you can count on that, maybe a piñata tax, and it’s going to be yuge, a really nice, big wall. Well, it doesn’t have to be that big, Mexicans are small people. And then once the wall is there, the one the Mexicans are paying for, who’s going to pick the grapes in Napa Valley? I’ll tell you who. Nobody. And they’re not going to pick the food either because those people are criminals and rapists and I don’t want them handling my food. Though I am proposing that until we can get all that produce harvested mechanically, we temporarily hire the former employees of Ringling Bros circus to help pick grapes. Those clowns should feel right at home in Napa.

I’m also announcing today that covering all of France, all of France, including the hard parts, is Madeline Puckette. I mean, it’s just French wine, and Madeline knows everything about French wine, absolutely everything. She’ll show those French. They’re such snobs, folks, it’s unbelievable, they think they have the best wines in the world, like their schist don’t smell. Madeline’s going to tell them the way things are. She’s got fantastic charts of everything, pie charts and graphs and Venn diagrams. Though I don’t care Venn, I only care why. There is no greater expert writing about wine today than Madeline, no bigger expert. Listen, what she doesn’t know about wine… What she doesn’t know about wine, people, could literally fill hundreds of books. I’m not kidding. She’s already filled one, it’s called “Wine Folly.” You should read it, it’s fantastic. Donald, Jr. read it, it's even simple enough for him, and usually he can’t even read Lemony Snickett, which I had once, it was really itchy, believe me, really itchy, but some penicillin cleared it right up. Madeline will bring simple to French wine and finally get rid of those pesky facts. Highly overrated, facts highly overrated.

In the coming days I’ll have even more appointees for you. My people are talking to everybody. Everybody wants to be part of my wine empire, everybody. Especially the really big people. I can’t even find jobs for all of them! It’s incredible. I had to tell Jancis, “No.” Lettie Teague! Lettie Teague, Ladies and Gentleman, I had to tell her, “No.” Can you imagine turning down Lettie Teague? Who does that? Karen MacNeil, “No! Not a chance!” And she wrote the damned Bible. I had to turn down all of these lovely ladies, all of them begging for Burgundy from me. They throw themselves at the Emperor of Wine, it’s unbelievable, they’ll let you do anything. Yeah, I grabbed their Volnay, a handful of Pousse d’Or, but that was that, I mean, what else could I do? I'm the Emperor of Wine.

And after all my appointments, then I build the wall, and then I take apart the A.C.A.—the Affordable Cab Act. People ask me all the time, all the time, it’s fantastic, when I’m going to get rid of Affordable Cab, and, believe me, it’s the first thing I’m going to do. People don’t want Affordable Cab, Affordable Cab isn’t working, it’s terrible, Affordable Cab is a yuge ripoff, it’s ruining our economy, and I’m going to end it, and replace it. I don’t know with what yet, but I have my people working on it.

Though I’m thinking, VODKA!


Paul in St. Augustine said...

Tweet a few highlights at the real Donald Trump, he needs another diversion from his day job.

Don Clemens said...

This reads so eerily like something that he would say that it's delaying my trip to the coffee maker! I need to sit down and weep!

Rob R said...

Super. There's only one person whose "schist doesn't smell" - that's the Hosemaster! But then again, it was Larry Anosmia who was checking...

jock said...

Perhaps best if you stick to wine. Just sayin'

Samantha Dugan said...

Jock- Perhaps best if you stick to Wine Folly. Just sayin'

Ron My Love,
You do Trump so well it is really hard for me to read these pieces and yet, because it's you...I have to. Just missing you and wanted to send my love.
I love you!

Unknown said...


Alec Baldy Win doesn't have nuttin' on you!!!

Charlie Olken said...

It's OK to be funny. Just don't puncture my balloon. Never mind that it is full of hot air and swamp gas, or was that H2S.

I think you need to offer to stick to wine if Trump sticks to real estate. It would be a sacrifice for you, but think of the good it will do for humanity.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
I'm not sure doing Trump well is something to be proud of, but thanks. I miss you, too, Gorgeous. I love you, too!

Common Taters,
It wasn't my intention to write another Emperor of Wine piece. I'd tried to write one a bit before the election and found that I didn't have the stomach for it. But when I sat down to work yesterday, with about four different ideas for pieces jockeying for position in my head, it was that damned Trump voice that kept mocking me, daring me to voice it one more time. Against my better judgment, I gave in. This piece is the result.

I dislike it rather intensely, and damn near pulled it before it went up this morning. Not because of its politics, but, well, just because. But I have 50 some pieces to write in a year, and I'm loathe to discard any. They'll all hard work to create. In fact, it's often the worst pieces that are the hardest to which to give birth. So it stands. My hope is it might purge the Donald from the voices in my head.

I'm not sure what "stick to wine" means, really. Other than Jock doesn't find satirizing the President-elect funny, or me funny, or both. I always write about what I want when I want, and have forever been scolded by fools who think they know what's good for me. My comment section is littered with remarks like Jock's. It never bothers me. I certainly don't write to please anyone but myself, and that very rarely occurs. That others come here and only want to see me to lampoon the ideas and people they think are ruining the wine business doesn't surprise me. Their discomfort, though, and their disapproval, is something I welcome.

Beentheredonethat! said...

Love the piece, just leave out the fxxxng picture of that orange head!