Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Introducing Prick Family Vineyards!

Dear HouseMaster,

I thought you’d like to be one of the first to discover the Napa Valley’s newest and finest winery, Prick Family Vineyards. If you haven’t heard of it yet, you will. In fact, you just did! Are you interested in writing an article for your website about Prick Family Vineyard? Feel free to reach out to me for the usual fresh pack of lies about our newest client.

Richard Prick, the owner of the beautiful Prick Family Vineyards, made his fortune with his innovative ED product, Boner-in-a-Can™. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. It seems Boner-in-a-Can’s™ motto is on everyone’s lips these days. “You may not win the popular vote, but at least you won the erection.” Maybe you’d like a free sample. Word is you need one! Mr. Prick tells me it not only helps with erectile dysfunction, but it also works as a replacement cartridge for your Coravin! Gives your wine a raging argon.

Rich Prick fell in love with wine when he realized that having a great wine cellar gave him status. “It’s not so much that I love wine,” Prick says, “it’s more that I love the thought of myself drinking great wines that most other people can’t afford. I wanted to make wines like that.”

Ten years ago, Rich began searching for the perfect estate. He found it on Pritchard Hill, high above the Napa Valley, away from the hustle and bustle of the valley floor. It was a pristine 100 acre property, and Rich Prick sees himself as a steward of the land. “Once I cut down the pesky old growth forest to put in a state-of-the-art Cabernet vineyard, I knew I wanted to protect this beautiful land. The earth is covered in forest, but there aren’t nearly enough Napa Valley Cabernet vineyards. My neighbors and I up here on Pritchard Hill are trying to change that. I wake up every morning to the sound of chainsaws and cave digging equipment. I don’t know how to steward the land any better than that!”

The winery at Prick Family Vineyards has to be seen to be believed. Designed by noted architect Frank Gehry, it resembles nothing so much as a pile of panty shields, like most of Gehry’s works. Rich sees it as a tribute to his product line. Inside the winery, you’ll find only the best and most expensive winemaking equipment. Prick Family’s Cabernet Sauvignon is aged in 100% new French oak barrels, which are lined up in the cellar so that they all face magnetic north. This is done for harmony, and because it’s expensive to do so. “When I got into the business,” Rich tells me, “I was told that wine was made in the vineyard. So explain to me why I had to build a goddam 50 million dollar winery. Cuz Helen Turley says so? Christ!”

If you’d like to visit Prick Family Vineyards, perhaps I can arrange a tour with Prick Family’s Master Sommelier Larry Anosmia MS. Here’s what Larry says you can expect:

“The tour lasts for about 90 minutes, and includes a taste of our latest Cabernet Sauvignon. Please don’t ask for more than the ounce and half I serve you. The wine is served in a special hand-blown Riedel Rich Prick Cabernet Sauvignon glass. No, the glass wasn’t named for the winery. It’s just the name of the Riedel Cabernet glass. I think it’s named after Georg, but don’t quote me. The tour is $100, but it includes a selfie with me.”

Rich also has the most beautiful and elaborate wine cave anywhere! Hand dug by inner city children, the cave features an underground waterfall, a dining room that can hold up to 100 people, and Rich’s collection of antique airplanes. “Maybe a cave isn’t to everybody’s taste,” Rich admits, “but, to be honest, I fully intend to leave behind a shrine to myself. One day, a couple of thousand years from now, an archaeologist is going to stumble upon Napa Valley, unearth my winery, and realize that a Rich Prick lived here. Hell, a whole lot of us live here. And we got the caves to prove it!”

Rich fell in love with great wines that most people can’t afford, and now he makes his own. The wines come in three-bottle boxes made from only the rarest of endangered hardwood trees. But don’t worry, for every box sold, Rich donates $1.00 to the Rain Forest Make-a-Wish Foundation, which grants wishes to terminal lumber. Each bottle is numbered and signed by James Suckling, because he broke in one night with a Sharpie and we couldn’t stop him. The first release of Prick Family Vineyards Cabernet Sauvignon was recently served at the White House, for obvious reasons. We think you’ll agree that Prick Family Vineyards is the new Screaming Eagle. Screaming Eagle is so Parker Past.

If you’re interested in reviewing Prick Family Vineyards for your site, I’m afraid that’s just not going to happen. Really. What do you know? Why would I let a blogger review my wine? What am I, desperate? However, if you’re interested in featuring Prick Family for a future blog post, I can offer you a chance to interview either Larry Anosmia MS or Richard Prick himself. I’d pick Rich if I were you. I mean, Larry’s an MS. You’d be better off interviewing the terminal lumber.

I’ll look forward to hearing from you. I know you’ll want to share the story of Prick Family Vineyards with your eleven readers. Maybe you have a story about wineries to visit in Napa Valley coming up. If so, we’d like to make sure you don’t include us. Send them to that stupid castle. Or that place with the sky ride. That’s what your readers want. But if you happen to know anyone with a lot of money, we’d be happy to hear from them. While our wines are heavily allocated and unavailable to the public, they are always available to anyone with a trophy wife and a lot of cash.

Thank You,
Chlamydia Jones
Chlamydia Jones PR
“We Spread the Word, and Just About Everything Else”


larry mawby said...

is it just a coincidence that prick and trump are both five letter words? i think not. does this insight qualify me to review the wines? i hate cabernet, especially napa cab, so i should be well qualified to give an honest opinion.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

The main difference between prick and trump is a prick has a mind of its own.

There are days I think most of the winemakers in Napa Valley hate Cabernet, too.

Thanks for being a world famous common tater.

Unknown said...

Prick's next venture should be a Pinot called Come Again. The wines can be sold as a pair. For guys who want an extra charge there can be Magnums. Bob Millman

Jet Fuel said...

You didn't mention Prick's winemaker....Richard Harness, who likes to go by Jockstrap.

voice of reason said...

you had me at "raging argon"...

Ziggy said...

On the 100 point scale I give this Hose Post a 99. (After all The Hosemaster is never perfect).

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hello Common Taters,
Prick Family Vineyards first appeared in a post a couple of months ago as an aside, almost. But the name kept popping up in my evil mind, so I finally sat down and wrote this piece. The format of an annoying marketer just made it more fun, though I clearly lost sight of that particular conceit about halfway through. I really should learn to rewrite.

Thanks for the kind words, and many dick puns.

Don Clemens said...

Well, Hose - you've done it again! It's all the Rich Pricks, making or coveting Napa's cachet, that have made me fall in love with the lovely charms of Grenache - something that I can usually afford! I've seen too many Napa "monuments to ego", and know too many good winemakers who can't, or won't, pony up the cost of such projects. It's no wonder that Oregon has attracted so many of them. I just hope that Languedoc-Roussillon and the north of Spain don't get any crazy ideas about caves and monuments!
Jeez! I think your post made me cranky!

Paul in St. Augustine said...

"Housemaster". Chlamydia needs to pay more attention to detail.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Oh, sure, my post made you cranky. Blame me.

I do get a kick out of the Napa Valley "Mine is Bigger Than Yours" mentality. It's why I came up with Prick Family in the first place. Now I want to start a label with that name... Suits me, don't you think?

"Housemaster" seems to be spellcheck's default from HoseMaster. I get it all the time. And then the text tells me how much they love my blog. There are SO many bad marketing people in the wine biz. Amazing.

Unknown said...

When I first got a job at a wine shop, the owner would describe those $100 Napa cabs by saying, "you're just drinking money". Althoguh these days, a $100 Napa cab might be descried as a bargin

Aaron said...

So on point, and I'm glad to see Larry Anosmia MS is back, although I wasn't expecting James Suckling to make it out out of Wine Critics in Hell!

Unknown said...

Back to true Hosemaster - or maybe Housemaster? - form. I was laughing so hard I almost lost my little blue pill, but I've got four hours to find it before I have to call the Doctor... A classic! Thanks Ron! Now I'm not so jealous about your dinner tomorrow night - you've earned it! George

Ron Washam, HMW said...

More and more, Napa is sealing itself off from the real world and living with the 1%. Bordeaux is a huge region, with thousands of chateaux that are affordable. There's a lot of affordable, if not top-notch, Burgundy. Napa's isolating itself from the everyday drinkers slowly but inexorably. A shame. There are a handful of great properties that aren't out of the reach of normal folks, but not many. So what do we have left but to hurl shit at them? Which is when I show up.

Oh, Larry Anosmia MS is always around. Wine Critics in Hell is set in the future. Eternity is the future. Suckling is liable to appear, unwanted, at any time, anywhere...

I'm very much looking forward to my dinner with Bianca tomorrow night. I wrote her a fan letter, and she had heard of me, and so I'm lucky enough to get to meet her. She's an extraordinarily talented human. One doesn't meet them very often. I'm lucky.

Larry Anosmia, M.S. said...

"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

Too early to dispatch me to Wine Critics in Hell as the silent bartender. I have to work Ron and Bianca's dinner reservation tomorrow night.

Aaron said...

@Ron, Gabe
As a consumer living in California, but not near Napa, I'll definitely agree with that descriptor Ron. Napa definitely seems to be more and more all about excessively high priced wines for the rich and richer.

And you're right, there's lots of good Bordeaux that's not excessive, even from 1st growths under their 2nd or 3rd labels. Or a lesser known sub-region like Entre-deux-mer, love me some white Bordeaux from there.