Thursday, July 6, 2017

The Threat of Global Wine Terrorism

The threat of global terrorism has finally reached the wine business. Wineries, importers, sommeliers, wine writers—all have found themselves under siege from various loosely organized but determined groups of wine terrorists. Each of these groups has an agenda and is unafraid to use violence, force, and even weaponized Coravins to make themselves heard. It’s a story that the wine press has been reluctant to cover for fear of reprisal, but I’ve spent the last few years infiltrating the secret online hangouts and covert terrorist wine bars (some have fantastic wine by-the-glass selections, and often serve the wines in the new Riedel “Suicide Bomber” stems which self-destruct after each use) where terrorists meet and plot their attacks. In order not to arouse their suspicions, I often posed as someone completely ignorant of wine, using the initials CSW after my name as proof. I carried a dog-eared copy of “Wine Folly” under my arm and wore a T-shirt with the words, “If God exists, She’s Jancis” in multi-coloured sequins. Nearly all the terrorist organizations attempted to recruit me, and several told me I rocked the T-shirt.

I've blown the lid off the terrifying story of global wine terrorism, at great risk to my personal safety. You're welcome. But you'll have to head over to Tim Atkin's site to read the rest of my exposé. While you're there, be sure to leave a comment, I'd recommend anonymity, the terrorists are always watching, or return here in a hazmat suit and drop off your thoughts.



Ziggy said...

And I thought I knew everything even when living in a redundant prison.

Anonymous said...

This is a classic. Thank you for bringing this matter to light. The fake news media refuses to cover this.

Bob Henry said...

"As a wine society, what can we do? Don’t give in. Continue to drink wines with a healthy dose of skepticism."

Personally, I will continue to drink wines with a health dose of added sulfites.

Unknown said...

Al Qaeholics - This is the group lead by Stuart Smalley, correct? They face Mecca and do their daily affirmation with a bottle of Cribari Marsala; no?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Common Taters,
It's always quiet around here when I publish at Tim's. Either that, or I'm so popular no one bothers to read me anymore.

Weird, this blogging business. I've been doing this so long, I always know what posts will get a lot of comments, and which won't. I don't care, I don't pander for blog hits, so much as it's just curious. My blog hits have been down the past couple of months, which seems to happen on a regular cycle--so either I suck lately, or it's just normal summer vacation kind of lull. I fall on the side of I suck.

Karl, wow, a Stuart Smalley reference. Isn't he a Senator now, doggone it? Very nice.

Bungsniffer, I am the fake news media. My comedy writing muscles are implants.

Justin H-S said...

Ron, did you write this entire piece just so you could find a home for your inspired creation of Al Qaeholics?