Monday, December 18, 2017

The HoseMaster of Wine's™ Cover Letter to Wine Advocate

Dear Ms. Perrotti-Brown,

I thought I’d save you the trouble of contacting me first. I know with all of the recent defections from “Wine Advocate” you must be desperate for help. First, it was Jeb Dunnock thinking he could go it alone. Great decision, Jeb, it sure worked for Art Garfunkel! Next thing you know, Neal Martin goes and takes a new job with Antonio Galloni, which is pretty disarming—in the sense that he’s the new Vinous di Milo. Up on a pedestal, but essentially can’t go anywhere.

Much to my chagrin, the Wine Advocate decided to publish my cover letter to its editor, Lisa Perrotti-Brown MW, on its Wine Journal site. I haven't heard back yet when I'm going to start working for her, but it shouldn't be long. If you want to read the rest of the note, you'll have to head to their site. They, wisely, don't have a comments section. Unfortunately, I do. Use it.



Anonymous said...

Coffee exiting nose this morning. Thanks

Ziggy said...

Hose, you are missing one thing in your resume.
You need a "-" (dash) after your last name. (not that it makes any difference)


Charlie Olken said...

You have gone from the Hosemaster to Galloni. That is, in laymen's terms, going from irreverence to irrelevance.

Come back. We need you.

Unknown said...

Well stated Mr.Hose, it is nice to be familiar with Rogets, however (as many know) Word does the word swaps for most literary 'talent' these days. Always enjoy your commentary....thanks

jock said...

Good to see you back in form.

Quizicat said...

Best thing I've read today. And yes I have read some other things. Living close to Washington DC all I can say is- Thanks, I needed that. Blog on!

Tom In Real Life said...

Can't believe they posted this. Do you have an iron-clad contract or are they just trying to appear self-deprecating? Love the review of Prick Family Vineyards. If that doesn't get you the gig I don't know what will.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I try and I try to tell you folks not to drink coffee while reading HoseMaster of Wine, but you never learn... Milk is much more aesthetically appealing exiting the nasal cavities.

I should have appended my unique HMW to my name, but, well, I hate to brag...

I threw in "Roget" just to see how many folks had to Google it. I still have mine, tattered and well-worn. Like my jokes. Thanks for being a common tater.

Puff Daddy,
I'm not coming back fulltime, that's for sure. You're not writing at all, by the way. But I'm still writing for Tim Atkin once a month (for pay), and I promised Lisa PB that I would let her publish any other stuff I might crank out. She loved this piece, by the way. I'm still writing a bit for my own amusement and mental health, but don't want to go back to a regular schedule. Though if anyone out there wants to pay me....

Thanks. Not sure how to take that, but thanks.

You're welcome. At the holidays, folks, all eleven of my readers, want this kind of humor, not my usual foul-mouthed, misanthropic satire. Happy to oblige.

I do have an iron-clad contract. Lisa (and Tim, for that matter) never change a word of what I write. It's a tribute to their senses of humor and ability to laugh at themselves and the wine business. Trust me, folks like them are much rarer than you might think.

Dean Tudor said...

Ron, good stuff again..the hardest reviews to write are for the commercial wine losers who would get 75 - 84 points. Yes, they still exist...
TUDOR'S FAINT PRAISE (75 - 84) TABLE c2002 by Dean Tudor. All rights reserved.

Tired of having to wonder what to say about a nice, but not exciting, wine?
At a loss for words after the initial vagueness of "floral"/"berry"/"aromatic" nose or "light mouthfeel" or "short finish" or "fairly priced"?
Need more descriptors for those wines you've just tasted, and rated between 75 - 84 ?
For a spin, you could use the French or Italian non-cognate translation of the term, for that (wink-wink) cachet...

Dean Tudor, professional wordsmith and member of the Wine Writers' Circle of Canada,
has developed an incipient WHEEL of terms, divided into two major categories -- and
further subdivided into three SUM categories.
One: Phrases, subdivided into Standard, Useful, and Modest.
Two: Words, subdivided into Standard, Useful, and Modest.
All of these words and phrases have been used by dozens of wine critics in thousands of reviews of wines ranging from 75 - 84 points; the use of French and Italian is my twist alone...

Steve said...

Need to correct the spelling on Jeb's name.. it is Dunnuck, not Dunnock... otherwise a wonderful piece of satire!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

That's a comprehensive, inclusive, all-inclusive, complete; thorough, full, extensive, all-embracing, exhaustive, detailed, in-depth, encyclopedic, universal, catholic;
far-reaching, radical, sweeping, across the board, wholesale; broad, wide-ranging list. Thanks for that.

Yup, Jeb tweeted me about that. Lisa PB told me she thought I'd done it intentionally, for comedic effect, so she didn't correct it. As I told Jeb, I'm used to "Washum," and "Cretan," though I'm not from Greece...

Bob Rossi said...

A fantastic post. I'm amazed the Wine Advocate published it. But you'll never get the job, because the sample review you included did not use the mandatory word "graphite."

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I've always found most of the wine publications and wine critics have a sense of humor about themselves. Not all, but most. Certainly Robert Parker and Lisa PB have no fear of being laughed at. Both have been HoseMaster fans for a long time, which is gratifying in a perverse sense. So it's not amazing at all, to me, that Lisa was delighted to publish my piece. I'm sure Galloni would not be so inclined, but who cares?

"Graphite" is far too pedestrian for my sort of review. Though I should have thrown in a "hedonistic," to be sure.

Bob Rossi said...

Yes, Ron, "hedonistic." And "sexy" also.

Ziggy said...

Over on the 'Serker site you are receiving many accolades too. Congratulations?

As usual there are some thick skulls when it comes to the authenticity of your article being published by Ms L P-B.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I never look at Wineberserkers. Not interested in the slightest. I'm not sure what you mean by "authenticity," but no matter. There was a time years ago when I'd see a lot of hits on my blog coming from Wineberserkers, so I would lurk and read the thread about HoseMaster. The threads were always the same. Someone would recommend a piece, others would say how funny it was, and then, about the tenth comment in, someone would say how stupid and unfunny I am. No one ever wrote anything that had any insight. It's the equivalent of fourth grade playground banter. This pattern never varied. I imagine this time is no different.

It was a fun piece to write, and, to be honest, when I sent it to Lisa PB I thought she might want to change a few things, although she has never altered anything I've written for the WA Wine Journal site. This time she didn't change a word either. What she wants is eyes on the site, and, apparently, I deliver that. I can promise you that "Wine Spectator" would never allow me to run rampant on their site without serious editing, nor would virtually any other wine publication on the planet. So whether or not one agrees with their reviews, one has to admire Wine Advocate's ability to laugh at themselves. Trust me, there are countless wine luminaries who lack that ability. I have the hate mail to prove it.

Anonymous said...

What would you recommend for my NYE celebration, Hose? Maybe a nice pet nat?