How to Start Your Own Wine Tasting Group

I am often asked by beginning wine lovers, about to embark on their Journey to Discover Wine, amateur wine Frodos just learning their adult drinking Hobbits, “What’s the best way to learn about wine?” Oh, there are so many ways. One can enroll in a wine class at a local college, secure in the knowledge that the instructor knows more than you, and slightly less than the average Amish. Or, better yet, one can read wine blogs and simply be cured completely of the desire to learn about wine. This is often the best way to go. It’s not a good idea for you to learn more about wine. There are enough people already who know a lot about wine, no one wants you to join that pinhead club. Learn about mead. No one gives a crap about mead, so you’ll have the field to yourself. Mead is honey wine. It’s good for you, aids digestion. Particularly useful if you suffer from colon collapse, like bees do lately.

But the best way to learn about wine, I tell these intellectual Hobbits, is to form your own wine tasting group. “How do we do that?” these Dildo Baggins’ ask. Here, then, is a guide to starting your own wine tasting group.

Soliciting Members

No, “Soliciting Members” is not Anderson Cooper’s new CNN show. The first thing you need to do to begin your own wine tasting group is to find a handful of other like-minded wine loving novices who will actually show up for the tastings on a regular basis. Choose friends and other couples who make you laugh when they get drunk. I’m particularly fond of inviting women who like to kiss other women when they get hammered. Watching them with a nice glass of Syrah in my free hand is always fun. Remember, a wine tasting group might be about learning the flavors and structure of a variety to begin with, but as the night wears on, it’s all about wine’s wondrous effects on our inhibitions. Now we’re learning something! If you can’t find five other people who want to spend an evening learning about Tempranillo, fill in the gaps with migrant workers you find in front of Home Depot. Learn about wine and have your garage cleaned out at the same time! A word of advice: Do not let them get drunk and kiss.

Establish a Format

Once you’ve established a group of regulars, you’ll need to establish a format for tasting the wines. There are many formats to choose from, and your wine tasting group needs to find one that will make them comfortable. Many groups choose to taste the wines blind. Each member brings their bottle wrapped in a paper bag, concealing its identity. I know one group that doesn’t bother to conceal the wines, but, instead, wears the paper bags over their own heads. But these are, admittedly, really ugly people. They’re so ugly the bags have to be labeled Hazardous Waste. The more you learn about wine, the more you’ll realize how ugly people are drawn to it. Ever been to a big industry wine tasting? It’s like an Ugly Convention. The more you learn about wine, you'll find, the uglier you get. This explains sommeliers.

Other formats for tasting include tasting without your pants on, tasting from dog dishes, tasting directly out of the bottles (saves a lot of time on cleanup, which isn’t important if you have those Mexicans from Home Depot around), and pairing the wines with Cheese Whiz, or any kind of Whiz.

Themes

Every gathering of your wine tasting group will need a theme. Leave it up to the member who’s hosting that evening’s tasting to come up with a theme. With some tasting groups, everyone brings a bottle that adheres to the theme. Other tasting groups have the host purchase all the wines. This is dangerous. You throw a lovely “Wines of Burgundy” tasting, but that cheap prick you invited to the group because his wife likes to kiss other women, Mexican field hands, and pizza delivery drivers decides his theme is “Wines of BevMo.” At this point, it’s probably best to go back to Step 1. Screw it, you’re just never going to know much about wine.

Try to be creative with the themes you choose. Remember, the point of the gatherings is to learn about wine and then get trashed and forget almost everything. You can choose boring and predictable themes like varieties, or regions, or point scores. Or, you can be more imaginative. I always like a blind tasting of “Wines with Things Floating in Them.” I learned a lot from a tasting of “Wines Made By People with Anxiety Disorders.” I love Bonny Doon! The point is, wine tasting can be fun and imaginative. Don’t let reading about wine on the Internet fool you into thinking it’s not.

Relax and Have Fun

Just like book clubs are not about the books but about appearing to be smart, or a cover for infidelity, wine clubs are not really about the wines. You’re not going to learn anything from people equally as ignorant on the subject as you, get over it. You don’t know Viognier from Liquid Plumr, though one is an effective drain cleaner and the other one comes with an easy-to-pour spout. Don’t set your goals too high. Settle for a monthly get-together to get your drunk on. You’re not really going to learn that much about wine. After all, learning about wine is exactly like oral sex—just keep putting it in your mouth until you figure it out.

The Wizard of Flaws

THE HOSEMASTER’S™ BASICS OF WINE APPRECIATION  6

One of the most difficult aspects of wine evaluation for a beginner to learn is wine flaws. But, luckily, I’m the Wizard of Flaws, and, in this edition of The Basics of Wine Appreciation, we’ll visit the hush-hush world of wine faults. Once you come to understand wine faults, you’ll understand why that bottle of wine you just opened smells funny, and in no way resembles the review you read in The Wine Advocate, which proclaimed it smells of “rambutan, cat foie gras, strawberry edible panties and pus,” when you only get “berry.” We’ll focus on the most common wine flaws, the wine equivalents of harelips, birthmarks and basketball fever. 

What is the most common flaw found in wine?

Most people would say that the most common flaw in wine is when it’s white. Being white is not a flaw in wine. It’s a flaw in Tea Party Republicans. There isn’t one flaw in particular that beleaguers wine. Rather, there are a whole host of flaws, ranging from Brettanomyces and corkiness to stupid labels with pictures of animals and individually numbered bottles. (Really, I have bottle #1273. Wow, get me a SuperLotto ticket, I’m hot, baby!)  The list isn’t endless, not like listening to an Andrew Lloyd Webber score or Michel Chapoutier speak, but it’s long.

How do I know if a wine is “corked?”

Most beginners are confused about cork taint. Cork taint does not smell like human taint. There are many wines that do smell like human taint, which is caused by either sulfur issues or your sommelier failing to wash his hands. Sommelier taint is distinctive for its aroma of mendacity. A wine that is corked has been contaminated with a compound commonly referred to as TCA (which stands for “Tainted Cork, A-Hole!”), which gives the wine an aroma reminiscent of wet dog, though I think it smells more like porn star moustache. Don’t ask. TCA also mutes the flavors of the wine, so it is actually preferable in orange wines. But only natural TCA, not the synthetic TCA used by so many orange wine producers to enhance their aromatics. There are people who think you can tell a wine is corked if the cork breaks when you remove it from the bottle. This is not true with corks, though it does apply to condoms. (And, oddly, pouring a corked wine through a condom can often remove much of the cork taint, as well as lighten the mood.) “Corked” is a very specific aroma, and not a catchall term for a wine you just don’t happen to like. If it doesn’t smell of wet dog, or musty basement, or your homeless uncle, it’s not corked. Just shut up and pay for it.

What does it mean when someone says a wine is “reduced?”

“Reduction” occurs when a wine is released at a stupidly high price point and then ends up on a flash site for 40% off. This happens a Lot18. The wine is then said to be “reduced.” Varieties that are prone to reduction are, most notably, Syrah and Sauvignon Blanc. Their reduction can often be remedied with more exposure to oxygen, best achieved by pouring them down the drain. In extreme cases, reduced wines can smell of hydrogen sulfide, or rotten eggs. An old trick is to drop a copper coin into a reduced wine. The copper binds with the hydrogen sulfide resulting in a more pleasant smelling wine. It’s often best to simply drink those rotten wines out of a Salvation Army kettle and save yourself the penny. Many experts believe that screwcaps facilitate reduction. Actually, they simply facilitate winos, the only people who drink crap in screwtops.

What is Brett?

Brettanomyces Dekkera (nicknamed “Brett,” after the Hall of Fame Kansas City Royals star George Brett, though no one knows why, maybe because he spoiled no-hitters) is a yeast than can grow in wine and create a whole bunch of stinky off-aromas. A little hint of Brett in wine is often thought of as adding complexity, a lot of Brett in wine is referred to as “Parker 98 points.” The off-aromas characteristic of Brett problems are described variously as barnyard, mousy and Band-Aid. So a lot like your high school prom date. Brett is symptomatic of sloppy winemaking because it is easily avoided. Competent winemakers avoid Brett by not returning its text messages, hiding behind the nearest planter, and wearing funny masks. However, wearing a funny mask isn't neccessarily about avoiding Brett; many winemakers simply like to wear masks, and for the same reasons bank robbers do.  

So You Want to Be a Wine Judge

THE HOSEMASTER’S™ BASICS OF WINE APPRECIATION 5

Many consumers see wines advertising medals from wine competitions and have little idea what those medals mean or how they were arrived at. They do know that Gold is better than Silver, Silver is better than Bronze, and Bronze is better than any wine with any sort of pastry on the label. Really, stay away from Cupcake, Layer Cake and the newly released Urinal Cake. I’m OK with orange wine, but yellow? In this edition of the Basics of Wine Appreciation we’ll talk about wine competitions and their place in the wine business. As required of a wine judge, I am writing this completely blind and in a white coat. I may have forgotten to take my Thorazine. Which makes me slightly manic and sing “Oh, de Miltown Ladies sing dis song, Doo-dah Doo-dah.” This will make more sense as you read about wine judgings.

What is the purpose of wine competitions?

Like any competition, it is to determine winners and losers. Winners are awarded medals by the losers with spit buckets. In wine competitions, each wine is judged individually. Therefore, many wines win gold medals. They tried this system in the Olympics once, but gave it up when 20 of the 80 gymnasts wouldn’t fit on the Gold Medal podium. All those girl gymnasts up there looked like a scene from Munchkinland. Every time I watch gymnastics at the Olympics, I expect a house to fall on them. Awarding medals is the main purpose of wine competitions, but there are others. For example, they also provide a place for our endangered wine judges to get together and reproduce. There is a National Registry of Wine Judges which carefully monitors the husbandry of the herd so that inbreeding can be avoided. It’s been mildly successful.

How are the wine judges chosen?

Each wine judge is carefully screened for experience, knowledge, STD’s and felony drunk driving convictions. A minimum of three out of four is required. Then each competition tries to select its judges from different sectors of the wine business—a few wine writers perhaps, a couple of enology and viticulture professors, some sommeliers, and a handful of people no one has any idea what they’re doing there. These are usually bloggers. This cross-section of the business allows for differing opinions about what each wine merits, and often lively discussions. At a recent competition, a wine judge was stabbed with a homemade shiv made from a room service breakfast sausage by a fellow judge for arguing that the nail polish smell in the Syrah was “perfect with finger foods.” Judges are also chosen for their willingness to allow other judges to raid their Honor Bar after Last Call.

Why do wineries enter wine competitions?

Winning a Gold Medal, or a Double Gold (which is simply a Gold with extra meat and cheese), can boost sales of a wine that was nearly dead in the water. Sort of like when Olympian Greg Louganis hit his head on the diving board. Competitions are a sales tool that can be very effective if marketed correctly. Say you enter a Folle Blanche into the Waco International Wine Competition and Weenie Roast and win a Bronze. Yours was the only Folle Blanche entered, therefore your wine is “Best of Class 2012 Waco Wine Competition!” Bingo! There’s a BevMo 5¢ Sale in your future. The biggest floor stack since Dolly Parton passed out on her bathroom floor. It’s totally worth the price of entering the competition. However, winning a Bronze Medal for your high-end Zinfandel is like getting 98 points from Wine and Spirits—no one cares.

How are the wines judged?

The judges sit at a table and are served each flight of wines by the wine competition volunteers—there are many transients and drifters. Among the judges, not the volunteers. The wines come about a dozen at a time, already poured into very cheap glasses so as to give the judges the feel of being at home. The judges never see the bottles of wine they are evaluating. The judges quietly evaluate each wine knowing only the variety and vintage. Well, quietly if you don’t count grunts, groans, cellphones, dog whistles and all the instruments in the bodily orifice band. When all the judges have finished awarding each wine either Gold, Silver, Bronze or WTF?, a discussion ensues about each wine and a consensus is reached. Majority rules. So if three of the five judges decide the wine is worth a Gold Medal, it is awarded a Gold Medal even if the other two judges wouldn’t serve it to Jay McInerney’s overworked divorce lawyer. The best wine of each category, as determined by the judges, is then sent to the Sweepstakes round where every judge has a say in which wine is awarded Best in Show. Fifty-five wine judges can’t be wrong. Hey, it wasn't wine judges who ruled that corporations are people. No one who has ever worked for one would say that. Only dopes in robes.

How much credence should I give to Wine Competitions?

Sure, you watch FOX News and think it’s real. You watch American Idol and think it’s not fixed. You bought Spanish wines from The Wine Advocate. You think you have more than 350 friends because you’re on FakeBook. You think natural wines taste better. You’re in the Wall Street Journal wine club. You believe Apple isn’t selling your every move tracked by your iPhone to marketers. Is discernment your strong point? Hey, it’s only wine. Judges are human, except the MS’s, and make mistakes. And are happy to pass them along to you. 

The HoseMaster's Guide to Tasting Room Etiquette

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You’ve decided that you want to learn about wine, and that one of the best ways to learn about it is to travel to wine country and taste. This couldn’t be further from reality. Tasting rooms are the major source of misinformation in the wine business, aside from wine blogs, winery press releases and Food and Wine. But your heart is set on it, you’ve booked the cheapest hotel in the county (the bed vibrates, but not as much as the mini-fridge), and you’ve mapped out your tastings. But you’re not really sure how to behave in tasting rooms, what the proper etiquette is, how to appear professional and wine-savvy. Well, have no fear, in this edition of Basics of Wine Appreciation, we’ll learn all about tasting room etiquette.

What do I wear to a tasting room?

One of the most important things to wear to a tasting room is cologne. Tasting rooms are usually pretty crowded, and the aroma of dozens of inebriated humans on a hot day is surprisingly reminiscent of Nick Nolte’s G-spot. Wearing a lovely splash of cologne, preferably something your grandmother adored, like Elizabeth Taylor’s “I’m Dead,” is particularly welcome. It’s natural to wonder how your cologne might interfere with the aromas of the wines being served, but that’s not your problem. Besides, there’s nothing worse than standing next to a woman wearing perfume in a tasting room when you’re without; in which case it is perfectly acceptable to fight back with your Constitutional Right to life, liberty and the pursuit of flatulence. Soil is not just important to wine. Ah, yes, there’s methane to your madness.

When it comes to clothing, yes, it is important to wear it. Have you seen how ugly the people are in tasting rooms?

What’s the proper way to taste each wine?

Your generous hospitality representative will pour you a small taste of each wine. It is not appropriate to insist, “I’ll say when” while they’re pouring. Or, “That’s barely a mouthful--like my wife.” You may then swirl the wine in the glass, though it’s ineffably stupid to do so. The damn wine’s been open all day, you think swirling it’s going to do anything? It’s like Mike Wallace, it’s not going to breathe any more! And, for God’s sake, don’t say something stupid about the “legs.” This is an instant tip-off you’re an idiot. Legs are about as important to wine as they are to snakes and land mines. And no one cares if you think it’s a pretty color either. What are you, six? “Ooh, that’s so pretty.” If wineries cared about the color do you think they’d put the stuff in green bottles?

Once you’ve managed not to look stupid just getting that first taste, now it’s time to actually put it in your mouth. Ladies, don’t forget to apply plenty of lipstick first. This will not enhance your tasting experience, but it does royally piss off the tasting room help who have to wash the glassware. And showing your contempt for them subconsciously reminds them of the sommeliers, wine writers and wine shop owners they are called upon to serve, and makes them hold you in higher regard. (Insider’s tip: If you don’t have any lipstick with you, try rubbing some of the complimentary cheese around the rim of the glass!) Hold the wine up to your nose, put your nose as far into the glass as it will allow, and inhale deeply. Think about what you’re smelling in this pristine tasting room environment. Lipstick? The trembling mini-Chihuahua in the woman’s purse next to you (it’s not a dog, it’s a personal vibrator!)? The guy next to you expressing his Constitutional rights in response to your splash of Lindsey Lohan’s “Jailhouse Rape" perfume? Once you’ve pegged the aromas, take a taste of the wine itself. There, you’ve done it, you’ve managed to taste a wine in a prestigious appellation’s tasting room and not make a jackass of yourself. You’re welcome.

What is the etiquette for expectorating?

It’s not required that you spit, but if you do, make sure it’s wine. Spitting is otherwise frowned upon, though you may pick your nose. It pairs nicely with orange wines. If you decide to spit, step away from the spit bucket (often called a dump bucket, but, frankly, that’s REALLY frowned upon) about two feet and release a long, graceful arc of the wine into the receptacle. It’s best to practice this technique at home before your big trip. Make sure and practice in all kinds of weather conditions, particularly with a strong breeze in your face. It is acceptable to spit the wine directly into the spit bucket, but, really, you came here to have fun, right? Let it fly.

Remember, there are no taste buds in your throat. Those are cancerous nodules you feel. Professionals taste the wine, then spit it out. Mostly because they show up drunk and don’t want to fall down or pass out, but, still, it’s a good idea. And, it gives you the appearance of being an expert, though wearing that bib probably cancels that out.

What will I learn from the tasting room staff?

Tasting room staff are impeccably trained to answer all of your wine questions. However, so is a Magic Eight Ball, which is considerably more accurate. You will certainly learn, however, information that will teach you a great deal about that magical product that tasting rooms are charmingly dedicated to. I’m speaking, of course, about their wine club. They always have cutesy names, sort of like how we refer to our genitals, and, similarly, some come every month, others once a year. The Duckhorn Monthly Bills. Rombauer Selections—the R.S. Club. Fess Parker’s That’s a Giant Crockett Club. That’s what you’ll learn about.

But, honestly, learning about wine from hospitality employees is like learning about horses from the guy who cleans the stalls. Shoveling manure is a gift, and both vocations are accomplished at it.

Is it OK to show up drunk?

Tasting room employees are carefully trained to refuse service to anyone visibly intoxicated. Don’t let that discourage you. You planned on visiting six wineries a day, you don’t like to spit because, “That’s a waste!,” and if you can just eat a dozen more tasting room crackers you’ll be fine to drive the country road and stop at more than half the stop signs and barely clip the bicyclists (if done gracefully, you may be awarded both ears and the jersey). You’re fine. Don’t worry about it. Just mention how interested you are in the WINE CLUB! Always, always, mention the wine club. This soothes the fears of tasting room employees, makes them see you as visibly intoxicating, a crucial difference.

You’re in wine country, dammit, the whole economy relies on insobriety. You’re simply being a patriot. Is it OK to show up drunk? What kind of question is that? It’s not only OK, it’s your solemn responsibility. Give me liver failure, or give me death!  

 

How to Grab a Perfect Pair

THE HOSEMASTER’S BASICS OF WINE APPRECIATION 3

In this edition of the Basics of Wine Appreciation we’re going to talk about wine and food pairing. Food and wine go together like death and old people. You can’t talk about one without talking about the other. But it makes you uncomfortable. You feel overwhelmed by it, ill-prepared, even scared. But Grandma’s gonna die anyway. All you can do is try to make sure it isn’t ugly. So it is with food and wine.

How does wine enhance food, and vice-versa?

Imagine a meal so wonderful it erases the need to get drunk. Yeah, I know, you can’t. Yet imagine a wine so amazing you don’t feel the need to eat. Easy, right?! So really what we’re talking about is the meaninglessness of food without wine. I’d no sooner eat a meal without wine than I’d watch TV with my pants on. Which can get tricky in airport terminals. (And explains the public address warning to not handle a stranger’s package.) Wine enhances food by altering your consciousness. One minute you’re thinking, “This dinner sucks,” but a glass of wine or two later you’re thinking, “I’d better eat more or I’ll be shitfaced.” Oh, there may be other reasons wine enhances food, but, honestly, that’s the only one that matters.

What are the basic things to remember about matching wine and food?

First of all, you should remember that it’s always important to have way more wine than food. A good rule of thumb is one bottle of wine for every three ounces of meat. (If you’re inviting vegetarians over for dinner I’m not really sure why, but you’ll need a lot more wine just to get through the damn meal. Hint: Gruner Veltliner is basically Beano.) Secondly, remember that the price of the wine and the price of the food should be in inverse proportion. As the price of the wine rises, the cost of the dinner should get lower. What are you, a sheikh? Would you like fries with that sheikh? Serving very pricey wine with fancy-schmancy food is a ticket to culinary disaster, like making reservations at Hooters for Mother’s Day. Stick to cheap wines with your expensive meals. You don’t need Chateau d’Yquem with your foie gras! That’s nuts. You can get the same experience serving it with Barefoot Moscato. Use common sense. And when you want to feature a very expensive wine you’ve been saving for a special occasion, why ruin it with an expensive meal? That bottle of Screaming Eagle? Hot dogs and Tater Tots. Napa Valley’s most expensive and snootiest cult wine screams for pig intestine and floor sweepings. Which might also describe their mailing list.

You also want to remember that wine just isn’t meant to go with food from many foreign cultures. There are people that will tell you that the perfect wine with Thai food is Gewürztraminer. Have you ever had Gewürztraminer with Thai food? It’s like trying to put out a house fire with Chanel No. 5. It’s the same with Indian food. People always ask what wine goes with curry. Something red? Something white? Something with residual sugar? No. Actually, I use Indian food as a foil for the corked wines from my cellar. Something about a touch of TCA that brings out the best in Indian cuisine. (Hint: That same wet dog component is wonderful with Korean food.) Don’t force stupid wine and food pairings. Just get over it. There isn’t a perfect wine match for every food, and anyone that tells you otherwise is an idiot. Or writes for Food and Wine. Same thing.

What’s the best way to approach pairing wine with food?

It’s always best when planning a dinner party around wine and food to pretend you’re going to be dining alone. If it were just you eating that carefully prepared feast, what would you drink? Reflect upon your past experience eating alone, no doubt quite extensive if you’re always annoying your friends with food and wine pairings. The answer is, obviously, you’d drink whatever the fuck you felt like drinking. So treat your guests as you would treat yourself. Just open some goddam wine and get over it.

Aren’t white wines better with fish and red wines better with meat?

It’s a little known fact to everyone except experienced wine people that red wines are better with everything. Everything. I repeat, everything. White wines aren’t designed to accompany food. They’re all messed up with acidity, and you serve them really cold. OK, maybe you serve white wine with really cold food like gazpacho, ice cream and everything served by that really drunk waitress at IHOP. But otherwise, always think red wine with dinner. Also, don’t let anyone tell you that Champagne is great with food. Just think about it. Underripe fruit fermented in a bottle until it bubbles? What are we, homeless people? No. Champagne, if it’s any good, ruins the taste of food. It does, however, taste really good on human flesh.

So why do we spend so much time and effort on matching food with wine?

There’s a huge Food and Wine Cartel that makes unspeakable amounts of money intimidating people about what wine they should consume with their food, that makes them feel they are missing out, that they’re culinary and social failures. There are whole cable channels devoted to it, countless magazines, an endless parade of winemaker dinners and wine-pairing menus. Let the experts tell you what to drink with your gourmet meal! You’re stupid, you’d probably ruin it with that wine you just like to drink. All you need to do is subscribe, or tune in, or leave it in our hands, and a world of sensual pleasure awaits you, a world unobtainable to mere mortals, those without the secret metrics. What better way to rob folks of the pleasures of both food and wine? Talk it to death. 

Actual Secrets of a Sommelier

 THE HOSEMASTER'S BASICS OF WINE APPRECIATION 2

In this edition of Basics of Wine Appreciation we’ll focus on ordering wine in restaurants. Reading a wine list is an acquired skill, like using a napkin. But nothing impresses your date more than your ability to sniff out the best wine at the best price on a wine list. Unless it’s your ability to work your iPhone with your tongue. Let’s get started.

What is the purpose of a wine list?

Think of the wine list as a really boring book, like a Jay McInerney novel only with better-drawn characters. It’s presented to you at the table for you to peruse at your pleasure. Open it to any page and it will be complete gibberish. You studied James Joyce in college, think of it like that. It’s just a bunch of made up words and made up prices. Its purpose is to remove you from reality and make you see the world in a completely different way. The longer you stare at it, try to make sense of it, the less chance you have of remaining sane. It’s often best to just hurl it to the floor. (Hint: This is also often a useful tip for handling your date.)

Should I ask for the sommelier?

You don’t need the sommelier. Try very hard to avoid the sommelier. Do your best to never make eye contact with the sommelier. If you should happen to make eye contact with the sommelier, break it at once. Prolonged eye contact can lead to a sommelier throwing his feces at you. It’s a sign of dominance among their kind. If one should approach your table try not to make any sudden moves. Sommeliers startle easily, and their fear response is to freeze like a possum—and then you’ll never get rid of them. If this happens, the best solution is to make gentle cooing noises in their direction until they regain their senses and leave, or start to hum along. You’ll find they make excellent pets.

Why order wine in the first place?

Ready for Dinner!

Nothing enhances your meal more than the appropriate wine. Except maybe using hand puppets instead of eating utensils. I like Punch and Judy, but only in Michelin-starred restaurants. But be sure and take your own puppets to the restaurant. The only puppets most restaurants own are Wine Spectator critics. But aside from complementing the food, wine’s most important job is to get you drunk. Think of the wine list as a summary of all the different ways you can achieve insobriety, as if you were reading Mel Gibson’s autobiography. A meal without wine is like sex without a partner—necessary but don’t get caught. 

What about wine by-the-glass?

Are you kidding me? Why not just order steak by-the-bite? Makes about as much sense. "I’d like one fifth of the T-Bone for what the entire steak actually cost the restaurant, please." Wine by-the-glass is the restaurant’s profit center for wine. It’s like french fries at fast food restaurants. They even have the same different sizes—small, medium, salty stroke; and 2 oz., 4 oz., and it’s cheap and red and I need to glug it now. By-the-glass is for those self-delusional folks who think they don’t drink much. “Oh, we can’t finish a whole bottle!” Two hours later they’ve polished off six glasses of wine. Just buy a bottle. You’re not fooling anybody. Dimwit.

Why are wine prices so high in restaurants?

It takes a lot of capital to run a big wine program. So when you pay $175 for that $60 dollar cabernet, just remember that you’re drinking it out of fine Riedel stemware, $7 a stem, and that it has been perfectly stored in an air-conditioned wine cellar along with 20,000 other bottles for about 50 cents. The rest is a modest profit for the restaurant. Think of yourself as the Department of Defense and the restaurant as Lockheed Martin. This should give you great comfort and make you feel patriotic. Only traitors and draft dodgers complain about wine prices.

What’s the secret to reading wine lists?

Google this question and you’ll come up with endless articles by experts who will tell you the same damned things. “Look for wines from lesser-known appellations.” There’s usually a reason they’re less known—the wines suck. And, besides, you don’t know the appellations either! If you did, you’d be a damned sommelier yourself. God knows you’ve passed the first level WSET exam—I finally did, too, and my gut feels much better now. And I finished pre-wiped! “Ask help from the sommelier, after all, it’s his wine list.” Yeah, that makes sense. It’s exactly like when the magician helps you to pick a card. You can trust him, after all it’s his deck of cards! Sucker. So what is the secret to reading wine lists? If you recognize a lot of the wines on the list, order beer, it’s probably a stupid wine list. If you don’t recognize a lot of wines on the list, order the second cheapest wine. It won’t be as good as the cheapest, but at least it will get the sommelier to leave you alone for the rest of the meal.

The HoseMaster's Basics of Wine Appreciation

With education in mind, I’ve been asked to begin a series of columns devoted to the basics of wine knowledge. OK, basically I asked myself. You're never too old to learn. What qualifies me for this daunting task, you may well ask. Like I care what you think. Like anybody reads blogs. Like I wouldn’t exaggerate my qualifications just like you did when you applied for that miserable job you’re doing now in this crappy economy that’s about to collapse like a travel agent school. But since you asked, for nineteen years I was a sommelier. You can ask any other sommelier--I know everything there is to know about wine. Ask renowned sommelier, Rajat Parr (if he has a stroke, is he then Rajat Bogey?) I combine the absolute authority of Wikipedia with the brilliant insight of Glenn Beck. Only I would think to compare wine tasting groups to Hitler Youth. After all, both grow up to assign numbers.

Let us begin with the basics. When this occasional series ends, you too will be a wine expert. Just what the world needs.

What are grapes?

Grapes are the berries produced by grapevines for the purpose of spreading their reproductive seeds via the intestinal tracts of animals. This is detectable on the nose of many wines. Grapevines are self-pollinating, and often embarrassed when caught at it. Interestingly, it’s those grapes caught self-pollinating that go on to make Blush wine.

How many different varieties of grapes are there?

Most authorities agree that there are at least two. Red and white. This ignores the most popular grape among wines that score fewer than 89 points--sour. OK, all kidding aside, there are approximately 6000 different varieties of Vitis vinifera made into wine in the world. Vitis vinifera is the botanical name for the European grape species that the great wines of the world are produced from. Literally translated, “Vitis vinifera” means “I’m vine, how are you?”

When was wine first “discovered?”

Scientists recently discovered a winery in Armenia that was 6000 years old. Surprisingly, a few amphorae of one of the original vintages were still intact and for sale. The “Reserve” had Cher’s picture on it.

Why do you swirl the wine in the glass?

Wine needs exposure to oxygen in order to release its aromatics. Sort of like a flasher. Swirling the wine in your cheap stemware is basically unzipping.

Blowing off bad aromas

What are you looking for when you smell the wine?

Well, that’s a nice mixed metaphor. Who wrote these questions? Sheesh. OK, first of all, you are smelling the wine to see if it displays any noticeable flaws that would keep you from putting it in your mouth—corkiness, sulfur issues, it smells like Marvin Shanken in a Speedo… We’ll get to wine flaws in a later volume of “Wine Basics.” If no flaws are detected, you are probably not qualified to be a wine taster. Virtually every wine these days is flawed in one way or another. (Sure, they seem gorgeous and hold a lot of promise, but, underneath, they’re poison, they’ll make you gag and leave a bitter taste for the rest of your life! Oh. Sorry. I was talking about my ex. Never mind.) It’s the wine expert’s job to uncover that flaw and ruin everyone else’s enjoyment of the wine by declaring that the wine is “Undrinkable!” in a loud, inebriated, sports talk radio voice. Remember, in today’s world, volume conveys authority. Always better to be loud than right.

What about specific aromas you detect?

OK, here’s the problem. Humans can’t detect specific aromas in wine. Nor can anyone else, like wine critics. Come on, raspberries?! Really? Cherries, cola, vanilla, cedar? Get over it. Essentially what happens is wine experts memorize fruit that supposedly goes with a variety. Chardonnay = peach, pear, pineapple. So you stick your nose in a glass of Chardonnay and you say, “I get pears, maybe some pineapple, is that vanilla?” Voila, you’re a wine judge! Or you can make up outrageous aromas and get everyone else to agree those aromas are present. “You know what I smell? You know when you eat fruit cocktail off a naked Japanese woman? Yeah, that.” I guarantee people will nod their heads and say you nailed it. The aroma, I mean.

Don’t most wines smell about the same?

All 89 point wines smell like other 89 point wines. They smell like failure.

After you’re done smelling the wine, then what?

Pour it down your pants and pretend you’re on “Glee.”

You taste it, numbskull.

What is the proper method to critically taste and evaluate a wine?

Take a sip. Don’t be in a big hurry. Slosh the wine around in your mouth. Most experts actually slurp the wine, inhaling air through pursed lips and making sounds like Kim Kardashian sitting on Naugahyde. This doesn’t do anything to help taste the wine, but it sounds cool.

Try to taste the different components of the wine to see if they are in balance. The basic components are alcohol, acidity, tannin, fruit, oak, and WD-40. Does any one of those components stand out? If a wine is balanced, they should all work in harmony, like the Flying Wallendas. If it isn’t balanced, it’s like Flying Wallendas on unforgiving pavement. A Wallenda omelette. This is not good in a fine wine.

Why do we spit?

You don’t have taste buds in your throat any more than Chaz Bono has an Adam’s apple. Expectorating means you can taste more wines and not become inebriated, and that’s the purpose of tasting. If you’re nervous about spitting, practice at home. Use water and practice spitting into a cup, preferably your spouse’s. Eventually, use the method professionals prefer. Go to YouTube and search for “Danny Thomas Spit Take.” That’s the way Robert Parker does it.