Thursday, January 21, 2010

Cleaning Out the HoseMaster's Mental Fridge

In the course of the intensive research I conduct for HoseMaster of Wine I accumulate hundreds and hundreds of little tidbits about wine. The juiciest tidbits end up in my breakfast, my usual morning meal of crow on toast with a side of hat. Other nuggets end up as posts. But there are a lot of leftovers. Here are some leftovers. It's cleaning out the HoseMaster's mental fridge day.

Wine was shown to help alleviate the symptoms of Tourette's Syndrome in mice. Fucking rodents.

Two of the thirteen allowed varieties in Chateauneuf-du-Pape are Creamy Ranch and Spicy Chipotle.

Botrytis cinerea originated in Robert Lawrence Balzer's sock drawer.
Right, from my sock drawer

Saumur-Champigny is named for the sounds Voltaire made sneezing.

The only wine dogs will drink is Gruner Veltliner because it reminds them of licking their own butt. Cats like Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc for the same reason.

James Suckling. James Suckling. James Suckling.

Scientists now believe life may once have existed in Lodi.

In a startling coincidence, Rachel Alexandra was named Horse of the Year in the same year her owner was named Horse's Ass of the Year! You can take that to the Banke.

French oak can result in tongue slivers. Or bung slivers.

Jesus converted water into wine. Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio does the opposite. And don't forget to attend ZAP on January 30th--Jesus died for our Zins.

There is a special Hell just for people who make Zin puns. Dante's Zinferno.

Before he was a world-renowned winemaking consultant, Michel Rolland was a leg model. Now he only occasionally has one to stand on.

All of the wines tasted for the California State Fair Wine Competition in 2009 were Yellow Tail Shiraz. It was awarded 15 Double Golds, 123 Gold Medals, 157 Silver Medals, 567 Bronze Medals, and Miss Congeniality. It did best in the "Chardonnay $14.99 and Under" category.

In the altar wine winemaking process, yeast converts sugar to Roman Catholicism.

In a patented and highly secret process, the alcohol levels of Napa Valley Cabernets are routinely lowered through the use of spinning cones and human bladders. Avoid using tasting room toilets.

In order to help the notoriously late-ripening Mourvedre, BioDynamic winemakers in California venture out into the vineyards in October and sing, "The sun'll come out, Mataro, so you better hang on till tomorrow, come what may! Mataro, Mataro, I love you, Mataro, you're always a day away!"


Charlie Olken said...

I usually warm up my leftovers in a microwave. What did you do to resuscitate this group of spicy tidbits?

Brilliant stuff that covers so many areas of comedy from lampooning to satire to exaggeration to sarcasm. And so much laugh out loud material.

I would stand in awe, but it would hurt my back leaning over to read the computer screen--so I sit in awe.

Thomas said...

I beg to differ on the Santa Margherita thought: water has a taste.

Ron Washam said...

Hey Charlie,

My leftovers are best served cold. I resuscitate them with great reluctance, and cardiac arrest paddles.


Thanks for the kind words. "Brilliant" is a little much, but I'll take it.

See you at ZAP! I hope.


Tasted blind in the finest traditions of Steve Heimoff, could one tell the difference between water and Santa Margherita? I guess so. One would be cold, refreshing, and delicious; the other has alcohol.

Samantha Dugan said...

Heimoff would give the water a 94 and tell us all that water would never have sold without his high ranking....

Anonymous said...

I was once a big fan of the Val d'Aosta red wine made of Petit Rouge (amongst others)...this was Torrette's Syndrome according to Italian sommeliers. (not to be confused with an appreciation of Lodi red awful "Zindrome.")
When Allen Meadows sneezes it sounds like "Echezeaux."
Not sure if this is true, but supposedly a UC Davis study showed that Brettanomyces originated in Robert Parker's drawers...
Suckling Pig. Suckling Pig. Suckling Pig.
I suspect Lodi enologists (if you want to give them 'credit') are aware of the slivers from French oak which explains why they stave off the temptation to use real wooden barrels and simply add sawdust to their vinous cocktails.
Jess Jackson deserves a lot of credit for launching all those wine brands..."Back Acre" and its second label, "Tooth Acre," "Pepi du Chat," "AutoMoto" and its declassified wine, "Quasimoto," "Geode" (yet another sort of self-aggrandizing label), etc. Then JJ has a label called "Tiz" so that when he tastes it, Puff Daddy will know when the bottle is unveiled that, in fact, "Tiz Wine." Brilliant.


Puff Daddy said...

Ah, yes, Anon 1, the king of the one-liners. I do miss tasting with him, although I never did understand why he came to my tastings with a bag over his head. I mean, blind tasting does not mean that the tasters are blind, just the wine. Of course, he always insisted that being Anon meant he had to taste that way also.

Buying wine at his shop is always fun. You don't know whether you are in a wine store or a left-over from Halloween.

D J R-S said...

Wow. Leftovers dished for revenge? Deep, man.
(Or would that be 'Revenge dished as/for leftovers?' --English as second language *does* lead me up the occasional dead-end creek of idiomatic mixed metaphor...)