Friday, January 15, 2010

Interview With A HoseMaster, Part IV

In this edition of "Interview with a
Hosemaster" I answer questions submitted by loyal HoseMaster of Wine readers. If you have any questions for the HoseMaster, please be sure and include them in your comments and you may be included in the next edition! If your question is selected you may receive two tickets to the next Wine Bloggers Conference, or their equivalent cash value of Not One Thin Dime.

What does it feel like to have one of the least successful blogs in America?

I don't know, ask TheWineWhore.

How does one measure success in wine blogging? That's a bar that's set lower than a midget teabagging Glenn Beck. Put all the readers of all the wine blogs on any given day together and what would you have? The lowest percentile of the SAT's. Factor in the reality that 75% of every blog's readers are other bloggers, and, basically, the whole wine blog world is like the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, a whole bunch of loudmouths trying to shout over each other, only less dressy. Which brings up another thing--I know it's hard to think about, but, basically, when you're reading any blogger's words, whether it's the HoseMaster or Steve Heimoff or Tom Wark, you have to imagine that they wrote those posts in their underwear, which would explain the stains. My point is, we are all little fish in a little puddle, the kind your poodle makes on the kitchen floor when he's happy, and the notion that one can measure success on that scale is a little like trying to measure the atomic weight of farts. In more ways than one.

And who starts a wine blog thinking about success? Every wine blogger knows there's no monetary reward in blogging. You'd make more cash standing by a freeway exit with a sign that says, "Homeless Wine Blogger--Any Attention Welcome!" Most bloggers just seek praise, and lots of it. Praise for their discerning palate, praise for their agility with words, praise for their originality of thought. And a lot of that is forthcoming. From other bloggers who expect it in return. The wine blog world is one big praise orgy--you stick it in another blog while one is being slipped into yours and everybody leaves with that wonderful feeling of having just been screwed. Which further explains the stains.

But to answer the original question, I love having an unsuccessful wine blog. The successful ones mostly suck.

What are your least favorite wine appellations?

As I do with people, I try to find the best in every wine. And every appellation produces the occasional interesting wine just like every blue moon there's an original thought on WannabeWino. But since you asked...


Temecula is the poster city for the Save Our Pierce's Disease Foundation. Who the hell buys these wines? Drunk Millienials out wine tasting on the weekend, I imagine. Temecula isn't a wine growing region, it's an amusement park for the brain damaged. Has any wine publication ever done an article like "Temecula: Wine's Best Kept Secret," or "Temecula: Tuscany Without the Scores?" Is there a restaurant north of San Diego County with a Temecula section on its wine list? That wants to sell wine? There are more than 50 wineries there now! Fifty! Man, it's like Yankee Stadium urinals. Tasting room in Temecula

I go to ZAP every year. I love Zinfandel, and I'm always on the lookout for producers new to me. I search the ZAP program for names I'm not familiar with and when I find one, the next thing I check is its appellation. If it's Lodi I avoid it like hot oil wrestling on "The Biggest Loser." Yeah, I know, there are lots of old vines in Lodi! I know, I've seen them, they all have court-ordered Do Not Resuscitate affidavits. Palm Springs has lots of old people, Scottsdale has lots of old people, Miami Beach has lots of old people--old living things go where it's too goddamned hot for healthy, vigorous things. Lodi Zins are more baked than a Humboldt State College reunion.

OK, I'm ignorant, but it's like I just ate asparagus and peed into a Riesling bottle.

What do you do with all the free wine samples?

In 18 months of doing two incarnations of HoseMaster of Wine I have received a total of four bottles. I take this as flattery. Wineries send samples to professional reviewers whose scores may affect their sales in a positive manner. To counteract any lukewarm reviews, they send samples to bloggers they know have little experience, proven sycophantic behavior, and the vanity to feel flattered at gifts of free plonk. It doesn't matter what the blogger says about the wine, no one cares, especially if you know something about wine. Wineries just want to be mentioned, to be ubiquitous, to see their name mentioned as often as Paris Hilton or Angelina Jolie or Jesus H. Christ. They call this marketing. Wineries pay marketing people obscene amounts of money to come up with lists of the dullest and most pathetic wine bloggers, and then they send them each a couple of bottles of wine, watch their Google Alerts fill their Inbox, and then sit back and watch sales inch downward. Hell, the wine isn't selling anyway, might as well give it away, then convince yourself you're marketing your brand. The music industry ruined payola for everybody, there are hardly any wine critics on the take, unless you count free trips, helicopter rides, lavish dinners, fake friendship and free balloon animals as payola (pish-tosh, it simply has to be that way), so what road is left to wineries but seeking reviews from unqualified and inexperienced reviewers? Make better wines? Nah. Too much like work.

Remember, if you have a question for the HoseMaster, aside from questions of taste, please submit them in a comment. Perhaps you'll be featured in another edition of "Interview With A HoseMaster!"


Anonymous said...

I think some marketing genius asked the enologists to blend some juice from Lodi and Temecula and the resulting blend has, appropriately enough, been dubbed Cuvee Pish Tosh. The same misguided marketing guru was out trying to sell the wine as one of the few California blends worthy of having a Government Warning on the label.

I suspect Puff Daddy would not call this a "Bordeaux"-styled blend, but, more accurately, a "DeMeritage."


Lar said...

In wine and other matters, is length all that important? I've also read that the more phallic a wine bottle appears, the more sales it generates to straight men. Any truth to this?

Puff Daddy said...

Dear Hoser--

I don't get your disdain for Lodi Zin. There is a big demand for chocolate these days. Indeed, some people are positively addicted to it.

I am not one of them, but I did make a visit out to Lodi last year, and found that there is chocolate and then there is chocolate and that a handful of producers make better chocolate than others.

So, when producers like the Phillips Brothers, Mettler, Klinker Brick manage to get a full measure of fruit in their very rich wines, people are buying those offerings by the bushel basketful.

OK, they are not my favorites, but have you ever tried pouring one over your ice cream?

El Jefe said...

I have a question: what does the "H" stand for in Jesus H Christ? I'm assuming it's not "HoseMaster"...

Ron Washam said...


Good questions! I may get to them in the next edition of IWH. Lots to think about. Not sure how a wine bottle can be more phallic, unless, in my case, it's the ones they use on airplanes.

Puff Daddy,

I think I avoid Lodi Zin because I was told as a teenager it was a major cause of zits.

You've tasted many more Lodi Zins than I have, for which I am supremely sorry. But wasn't Klinker Brick in charge of the prison camp on Hogan's Heroes?

El Jefe,

I think it's like the S in Harry S Truman. Like me, it doesn't stand for anything.

Samantha Dugan said...

I gots me some junk I wanna know!

1) How does one go about getting certified as a Master of Hose?
2) What’s a Hogan?
3) Who’s your Daddy?
4) I’ve been looking for a, “Private Dick” any suggestions….
5) Who would you take in a fight; Hardy Wallace or Steve Heimoff?

Puff Daddy said...


Ron has apparently decided to ignore you, and I am stepping in temporarily.

1--How do you get certified as Master of Hose?

Have you not been reading the MS Conspiracy? Its all about getting hosed by the folks who are Masters. In order to join their little fraternity, you have to pass their tests. And, in order to pass their tests, you have to take their courses. And in order to take their courses, you have to give them a lot of money. So, you see, certification is easy if you have deep pockets or an abiding need to have initials after your name.

2--What's a Hogan?
He is a guy who is in the clink. And this particular clink is run by Colonel Klink, who is a prince of a fellow and failed in life as an opera singer so he took to comedy.

3--Who's your Daddy?

I am.

4--Your looking for Private Dick. It is usually not all that hard to find, but you get what you pay for.

5--Hardly Wallace or Steve The Alter Boy Heimoff? These two would wind up throwing grapes at each other from twenty paces. Some fights are just not worth watching just as some Certificates are not worth pursuing.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

No matter what Charlie says, I would never ignore you. I was otherwise occupied watching a cage match between Heimoff and Wallace, the winner to take on reigning champion Lou Foppiano.

Your questions were well-conceived and probing, two of my favorite activities. Thanks for asking, and I'll PM you with the answers...

I adore you!

Hey Charlie,

You hit the MS answer on the head, though you left out the part where you are also expected to spend a small fortune on wine in order to be given the privilege of giving the MS clowns your money to take their tests and maybe, only maybe, then they'll grace your name with two, count 'em, two letters of the alphabet. Frankly, most folks would be better off spending their cash on breast implants or penile enlargement schemes.

You're my Daddy!? Can I borrow the car?

Anonymous said...

Once again, just laughing like an idiot, with nothing witty to say or ask of the HMW.

<3 (that's love, but looks like a butt)