Monday, January 25, 2010

Pollan Count

I get a kick out of aphorisms, those little nuggets of wisdom that sound smart but deconstruct into simplemindedness upon examination. The reigning master of that form is Michael Pollan. "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." Very nice, has the comforting ring of a cheesy Hallmark greeting card. "Eat food. With your mouth. Mostly fart." See, it's kind of easy once you get the hang of it. So I was thinking that I could achieve similar fame and notoriety if I assembled a bunch of wine aphorisms. Kind of do a little Pollan collecting of my own. Hey, I'm simpleminded, I'm a natural. Just hope I don't break out in hives. Here's what I came up with. Feel free to throw them around like your own wisdom at the next wine tasting you attend. They also make wonderful Tweets for all you idiotic Twits out there.

You can judge a winery by its dog and, if you're lucky, by its pussy.
There, you see, catchy and true. Rolls off the tongue. The aphorism, I mean.

Wine is proof that God loves us and wants us to be shitfaced all the time and have sex with strangers.
Theology is perfect for aphorisms. Here I quote from the Book of Britney 3:18. Testify!

Read blogs. Not too much. Mostly vegetables.
A pithy and accurate little assessment of wine blogs makes for a perfect catchphrase. The vast majority of wine blogs are written by vegetables for intellectual vegans.

Think of bubbles in Champagne as you would elegant farts in the bathtub--both delight the senses.
OK, it sounds better in French.

Points are like venereal diseases. The people who give them should be shot.

See, terse and clever and implies a connection between critics and folks getting screwed by numbers. This is a keeper.

If you want a hug, give her Silver Oak. If you want a kiss, give her Burgundy. If you want a blowjob, give her a spit bucket.
Alright, this has drifted off into tasteless exploitation. So it's perfect.

There are no atheists in bungholes.
There, six words, deep meaning, ties together the miracle of wine with the mundane tools that create it. Here we have the essence of aphorism writing, haunting and concise word choices. And it sounds dirty. Another winner!

Oak is catnip for humans. Rombauer Chardonnay is catnip for cougars. Vinography is catnip for cretins.
Gratuitous insults are the stuff of aphorisms. Aphorisms give the ring of truth to absurd generalizations and glorify the empty opinion. Just not in this case.

Taste in wine is subjective, except mine, which is objective.
In a nutshell, what every wine person believes. Except me, I'm objective.

You can put an M.S. after your name, but you're still an asshole.
See, simple and true. Feel free to quote me, but, please don't forget to credit the HoseMaster. I don't care what they say about me, as long as they spell my name right. Oh, another jejune nugget. Somebody stop me!


Samantha Dugan said...

I don't even want to know what you had to Google to find that picture...

El Jefe said...

Marie Antoinette's real contribution to Champagne: "Let them drink farts!"