Monday, August 17, 2015

A Child's Guide to Wine 2

Have you ever noticed how every bottle of wine Mommy brings home from the store is different? Except for the one with that kangaroo on it that she hides and drinks when Daddy’s not around. You know, the one that smells like somebody farted in the kangaroo’s pouch. That’s called Yellow Tail, and you should never put it in your mouth. Also, it means two different things when Mommy says, “I need some Yellow Tail,” and when Daddy says, “I need some Yellow Tail.” This is important to remember so that Daddy doesn’t get in trouble.

There are so many different kinds of wine because there are many different grapes made into wine in many different places in the world. It’s very confusing. Many people spend their lives trying to understand all the gazillion wines there are in the world. These people are called “connoisseurs.” Connoisseur is a French word that means “limpdicked.” One day you’ll understand what that means, and you’ll agree. For now, just think about the kid in your school who eats his own boogers. He’s a connoisseur. Wine has those, too. The really good ones are called “sommeliers.” They know what wine tastes good with nose produce.

Can you guess how many different kinds of grapes there are that make wine? There are more than 6000! Do you know how many 6000 is? Imagine 6000 days. The boy at your older sister’s high school who brought the automatic weapon and shot up the library only barely lived 6000 days. That’s a lot!

Even though there are 6000 grapes, only about six really matter. If you learn about them, you can really impress Mommy and Daddy when they’re drinking their wine. Here are some things you can say about the different wines that matter that will make Mommy and Daddy think you’re a limpdicked connoisseur!

Chardonnay is the white wine Mommy drinks when her girlfriends come over to the house. They drink a lot, and then they get really loud. Mommy tells the same story over and over again and doesn’t even remember that she told it before. When your Grandfather does that, they call him senile and take away his car keys. Don’t worry, Mommy’s not senile. She’s drunk. But still take away her car keys.

Here’s what you say when you see Mommy drinking Chardonnay. “Mommy, you’re drinking Cougar Juice! Are you a Cougar?” Her girlfriends will laugh. Make Mommy explain what a Cougar is. Hint: No matter what she says, it’s not a giant pussy. Or is it?

Sauvignon Blanc also makes white wine, but is different than Chardonnay. How can that be? Well, the truth is, it isn’t really very different. But grownups like to pretend it’s a lot different. Most white wine tastes exactly the same—like that water in your can of tuna. So when you hear your Mommy’s friend say when the Yellow Tail arrives, “I don’t like Chardonnay, I only drink Sauvignon Blanc,” you say, “Mommy, your friend is a wine racist!” And then tell her you’re going to burn an ah-so in her lawn. If she asks you what an ah-so is, you say, “Someone who only drinks Sauvignon Blanc.”

This will be fun.

Merlot is a red wine that used to be popular, like Justin Bieber. Most of the time it’s light and dull and doesn’t really do much. Same with Merlot. When you see that the bottle of wine Mommy and Daddy are drinking says Merlot on the label, say, “Are we poor? Are we going to have to move to the slums? You’re drinking Merlot!” Then cry like that kid at school who just found out who his real Daddy is.

Cabernet is a really popular kind of red wine. A lot of the time, there’s a little bit of Merlot in your Daddy’s Cabernet. So what? Really, if it wasn’t there, no one would even notice. Like when the ugly guy left One Direction. They still sucked. Some of your Mommy and Daddy’s Cabernets might cost a lot of money. Even more than all the twenties you’ve taken from your Mommy’s purse when she’s downstairs drinking Cougar Juice.

When you see a bottle of Cabernet on the dinner table, say, “Am I going to be able to go to college with you drinking that overpriced Napa crap?” Napa is a place in California that is famous for making Cabernet. Rich men move there to make wine and build shrines to themselves like the ancient Egyptian pharaohs. Rich men like fake Tuts.

I hope your Mommy and Daddy don’t drink White Zinfandel. If they do, you’re probably related to hillbillies. White Zinfandel isn’t a grape. Zinfandel is a grape. White Zinfandel is stupid. It’s like a White Kanye West. You know it’s just going to be pathetic.

White Zinfandel is bright pink. Remember, kids, never put anything that’s bright pink in your mouth. This is just a rule that adults need to know, too. Remind your parents of this if they’re drinking White Zinfandel. “Put it down,” you should scream, “it’s PINK! Don’t put it in your mouth! Are we hillbillies?”

When Daddy opens a bottle of wine and you hear a POP, he’s opening Champagne. Champagne isn’t a grape. (Isn’t wine confusing? Just wait till you hit puberty!) Champagne is a place in France where the wine they make is called Champagne. I know, this sounds stupid. Hey, they’re French, no one understands. You don’t call where you make poop, “Poop.” You’d think the French would call it “Champagnehole.” But they don’t. But you can.

Champagne is fizzy. This is done on purpose. Again, I know, this sounds stupid. Just about everything about Champagne is stupid. Mommy and Daddy drink it out of little thin glasses and watch the bubbles. How stupid is that? Very. And if you leave the Champagne alone for a while, it goes flat, just like when you trap the cat under the washing machine. But Mommy and Daddy open Champagne when they want to celebrate something special. So when they open a bottle, and you hear the POP, say, “What are you celebrating? Did the vasectomy work?”

More about that another day.


Jim Caudill said...

Uh oh....

Bryan Scott said...

Oh my! What a great way to start the week, laughing.
Thank you, HoseMaster.

Tom In Real Life said...

I always thought of Chardonnay as "Alamo Crack" but you're the expert. Hey BTW, when are you going to take on another humorless corporate giant? Always enjoy that.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

You said it.

Thank you. Just the usual crapola.

I'm not the expert, I just play one on the Intergnats.

This was the piece that would have gone up if Riedel hadn't threatened me and changed my world for ten days or so. It's the kind of foolishness I enjoy writing as much as the satire. I've had a lot of introspective nights lately. I was pressuring myself to try to do something to follow up the whole Riedel thing. But, after much soul searching, and a whole lot of desire to just walk away, I simply decided to keep on keepin' on. Do what I want, and not what I think others want, or try to take on some dragonslayer role. I'm assuming I'll lose as much of my new audience as I recently gained.

However, Tom, any humorless corporate giants you have in mind? There aren't many I haven't skewered in the past. Just to a smaller audience.

Jack Edwards said...

You are a sick and twisted man Mr Washam. And I love it!

Eric V. Orange said...

Funny Hose. Though I might argue about nothing pink in the mouth.


Charlie Olken said...

I think the Hosemaster is smart enough to know what he wants to say when he wants to say it. Overthinking him will make him crazy.

We all have to follow our own paths, and as long as we don't wind up in the hoosegow, then it all ought to be fun.

I do second the notion that of not following the "Riedel thing" with another significant piece put the Hosemaster where he wants to be--for that we common taters are thankful.

The long knives will come out when they are ready.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Jack,
Thanks. I try. Though I aspire to vile and vicious.

So, you're thinking Good 'n' Plenty? Though maybe not the Plenty.

I had a dozen ideas that I vetoed this past week. I was going to write Georg's apology to the HoseMaster. I thought about writing about having a beer with Riedel, kind of a "The Iceman Cometh" parody, and...well, it was a lot of anger at the whole Riedel thing. Luckily, I had this piece in the can, and it seemed like the right tone.

I've always said that I write HoseMaster for myself. What following I have, what teeny bit of fame, is a result of perseverance and a very small talent. But I don't care about that. I just like the work. That I have this platform is a bonus. Most of the time.

As we've seen, it can get ugly.

But onward and downward! Kids need to understand wine, too.

Don Clemens said...

Only you could make an "ah-so" joke work so well. Thanks, and "welcome back".

Charlie Olken said...

BTW, a comment about being sued. The opinions in CGCW have caused a number of lawyers, including one who owned a wine label, to threaten to sue us.

The first time was a bit scary, but a bit of research quickly showed that these bozos did not have a leg to stand on. In the instance cited above, the winery that made the wine for the lawyer told him to shut up. In the case of the winery in which we said that they had dumped out a bad vintage when they had dumped it out and repackaged it, and so we were wrong, I told the lawyer that I was praising the winery for doing the right thing. He apologized, but I wrote the correction anyhow since I did not want my readers to buy their repackaged crap--and the winery had not done the right thing after all.

There are other instances, but the fact is that the Constitution, that thing folks like to hide behind when they won't make wedding cakes for people they dislike for their color or their sexual identity, allows folks like us, and like you, plenty of room to state our opinions, whether in wine reviews or in comedy.

The whole idea is that we cannot be stifled because of our ideas. Some of us know that. Others have to learn the lesson by embarrassing themselves.

Will Lyons said...

Oh Ron!

You are nasty...but I like you

Ziggy said...

I'll hoist a pint of White Zinfandel to Hose's Mommy & Daddy for imparting their knowledge of wine to their Son. Salute!

Thomas said...

Mr. Lyons, talk about vile!

Do you consider that fellow a breast up or a groin down from Benny Hill?

Aaron said...

Oh god, that part on Merlot, thank you! Hilarious as usual :)

Neil Shea said...

Jeez Ron. I split my sides and almost shit my shorts laughing. Where da fuck do you come up with all of this😳😳

Marcia Macomber said...

After going down the rabbit hole the last 10+ days on the Reidel Matter (Mad Hatter?), this kids' piece seems a perfect rejoinder to the recent events. (And better than hearing the Red Queen yelling, "Off with his head!" at you.)

More Fractured Fairytales!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thank you for your longtime support of the HoseMaster. It's always been a source of immense pride for me.

It was a bit scary, but it was also invigorating, to be threatened. What I do here has very little importance in the grand scheme of things. I don't kid myself about that, even now. The entire incident did make me unspeakably angry, at a lot of different things. But angry is part of my satiric makeup, the most important part, and I know how to harness it. Mostly.

The hardest thing so far has been to try to move on. Not let that incident define me, or my blog. My blog is about wine, and about comedy, and about satire. About having fun with our crazy business, and the folks who work in it. I learned a long time ago that when you write comedy, you have no idea who you're going to offend, and who will laugh. And no idea what joke will rub someone wrong. But if you begin to edit based on some imaginary idea of control, all is lost. I take responsibility for what I say here, and I always sweat that I might be way out of line when I publish a piece. But that's the job--pushing that line. I leave it to other bloggers to carry on with telling stories, with their journey to discover wine, and other inimitably dull work. I'll just stay here and talk to myself, try to make myself laugh.

Well, I'm afraid my parents aren't to blame for my love of wine. I came to my hillbilly sensibility on my own. Just because they were cousins doesn't mean they liked White Zin.

I wish I knew. I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.

Marcia Love,
It's not a rejoinder, simply a continuation of what I've long done here. Crank out the crap. Just to more and more people now than when you first started as a common tater.


Samantha Dugan said...

Ron Love,
Now I'm all jacked up. I thought when you told me the birds and bees stories we ere always to put the pink in our mouths. Blonde mistake or naughty teacher?!
Love you and it's fun to move on past Mr. Assware.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
You see, Love, kids aren't supposed to put pink things in their mouths. Even if Jared says it's OK. This is a guide for children.

Movin' on is what I do.

I love you!

SuArra West said...

Ok, I am sitting in a cafe working on writing, yup, a wine blog (although now I am rethinking things), and I am literally laughing at loud while reading all of your posts! I have done nothing in the last few hours but catch up on what I've clearly been missing in my life. Genius much? Thanks for the laughs and the validation of my philosophy...It's just wine people :-)

Ron Washam, HMW said...


First of all, sorry for the delay in posting your comment. I have it set up so anyone commenting on a post more than two weeks old gets put into the "Awaiting Moderation" folder of my blog. Spammers very often post on older posts, and this captures them.

Secondly, thank you so much for the kind words. You didn't mention your blog in your comment, which may have been wise, but there are thousands of wine blogs out there. If you do it, be prepared for a long slog. Have something interesting to say, don't spend endless hours writing boring descriptions of wine--no one cares. And don't invite us along on your "journey" to discover wine. Write for the joy of writing with wine as your subject.

In other words, don't be just another damned attention-barking Poodle.

And, thirdly, please be a regular common tater here. We always need new voices.