A Child's Guide to Wine 2

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF WINES?
Have you ever noticed how every bottle of wine Mommy brings home from the store is different? Except for the one with that kangaroo on it that she hides and drinks when Daddy’s not around. You know, the one that smells like somebody farted in the kangaroo’s pouch. That’s called Yellow Tail, and you should never put it in your mouth. Also, it means two different things when Mommy says, “I need some Yellow Tail,” and when Daddy says, “I need some Yellow Tail.” This is important to remember so that Daddy doesn’t get in trouble.

There are so many different kinds of wine because there are many different grapes made into wine in many different places in the world. It’s very confusing. Many people spend their lives trying to understand all the gazillion wines there are in the world. These people are called “connoisseurs.” Connoisseur is a French word that means “limpdicked.” One day you’ll understand what that means, and you’ll agree. For now, just think about the kid in your school who eats his own boogers. He’s a connoisseur. Wine has those, too. The really good ones are called “sommeliers.” They know what wine tastes good with nose produce.

Can you guess how many different kinds of grapes there are that make wine? There are more than 6000! Do you know how many 6000 is? Imagine 6000 days. The boy at your older sister’s high school who brought the automatic weapon and shot up the library only barely lived 6000 days. That’s a lot!

Even though there are 6000 grapes, only about six really matter. If you learn about them, you can really impress Mommy and Daddy when they’re drinking their wine. Here are some things you can say about the different wines that matter that will make Mommy and Daddy think you’re a limpdicked connoisseur!

CHARDONNAY
Chardonnay is the white wine Mommy drinks when her girlfriends come over to the house. They drink a lot, and then they get really loud. Mommy tells the same story over and over again and doesn’t even remember that she told it before. When your Grandfather does that, they call him senile and take away his car keys. Don’t worry, Mommy’s not senile. She’s drunk. But still take away her car keys.

Here’s what you say when you see Mommy drinking Chardonnay. “Mommy, you’re drinking Cougar Juice! Are you a Cougar?” Her girlfriends will laugh. Make Mommy explain what a Cougar is. Hint: No matter what she says, it’s not a giant pussy. Or is it?

SAUVIGNON BLANC
Sauvignon Blanc also makes white wine, but is different than Chardonnay. How can that be? Well, the truth is, it isn’t really very different. But grownups like to pretend it’s a lot different. Most white wine tastes exactly the same—like that water in your can of tuna. So when you hear your Mommy’s friend say when the Yellow Tail arrives, “I don’t like Chardonnay, I only drink Sauvignon Blanc,” you say, “Mommy, your friend is a wine racist!” And then tell her you’re going to burn an ah-so in her lawn. If she asks you what an ah-so is, you say, “Someone who only drinks Sauvignon Blanc.”

This will be fun.

MERLOT
Merlot is a red wine that used to be popular, like Justin Bieber. Most of the time it’s light and dull and doesn’t really do much. Same with Merlot. When you see that the bottle of wine Mommy and Daddy are drinking says Merlot on the label, say, “Are we poor? Are we going to have to move to the slums? You’re drinking Merlot!” Then cry like that kid at school who just found out who his real Daddy is.

CABERNET SAUVIGNON
Cabernet is a really popular kind of red wine. A lot of the time, there’s a little bit of Merlot in your Daddy’s Cabernet. So what? Really, if it wasn’t there, no one would even notice. Like when the ugly guy left One Direction. They still sucked. Some of your Mommy and Daddy’s Cabernets might cost a lot of money. Even more than all the twenties you’ve taken from your Mommy’s purse when she’s downstairs drinking Cougar Juice.

When you see a bottle of Cabernet on the dinner table, say, “Am I going to be able to go to college with you drinking that overpriced Napa crap?” Napa is a place in California that is famous for making Cabernet. Rich men move there to make wine and build shrines to themselves like the ancient Egyptian pharaohs. Rich men like fake Tuts.

WHITE ZINFANDEL
I hope your Mommy and Daddy don’t drink White Zinfandel. If they do, you’re probably related to hillbillies. White Zinfandel isn’t a grape. Zinfandel is a grape. White Zinfandel is stupid. It’s like a White Kanye West. You know it’s just going to be pathetic.

White Zinfandel is bright pink. Remember, kids, never put anything that’s bright pink in your mouth. This is just a rule that adults need to know, too. Remind your parents of this if they’re drinking White Zinfandel. “Put it down,” you should scream, “it’s PINK! Don’t put it in your mouth! Are we hillbillies?”

CHAMPAGNE
When Daddy opens a bottle of wine and you hear a POP, he’s opening Champagne. Champagne isn’t a grape. (Isn’t wine confusing? Just wait till you hit puberty!) Champagne is a place in France where the wine they make is called Champagne. I know, this sounds stupid. Hey, they’re French, no one understands. You don’t call where you make poop, “Poop.” You’d think the French would call it “Champagnehole.” But they don’t. But you can.

Champagne is fizzy. This is done on purpose. Again, I know, this sounds stupid. Just about everything about Champagne is stupid. Mommy and Daddy drink it out of little thin glasses and watch the bubbles. How stupid is that? Very. And if you leave the Champagne alone for a while, it goes flat, just like when you trap the cat under the washing machine. But Mommy and Daddy open Champagne when they want to celebrate something special. So when they open a bottle, and you hear the POP, say, “What are you celebrating? Did the vasectomy work?”

More about that another day.