Friday, July 24, 2009

Interview With A HoseMaster, Part II

Why aren't you attending the Wine Bloggers Conference?

Sadly, it fell on the same weekend I have my electroshock treatments, though the featured speakers are an adequate substitute.
My Green Lantern costume is at the dry cleaners.
I never taste wine in a room where people are typing.
If I want to hear about the future of blogging I'll listen to Kurt Cobain.
They may have changed the sheets in my usual room at the Flamingo.
I'm allergic to sanctimony.

When you get to Heaven, what is it that you want to say to God?

Couldn't you have given me a bigger penis?

What's the best way to get into the wine business?

Start a blog, kiss winery butt, what you don't know fake, find suckers to get behind you, apply for a job at a big corporate winery as social media consultant. Repeat every six months. Consult your doctor before attempting, ass kissing can be dangerous for those with HIV, gum disease or the least bit of integrity.

Actually, there are many ways to get into the wine business, none of them advisable. It may be your passion, but it's everybody's passion it seems. There are too damn many people in the wine business as it is--find another line of work that's not so crowded. Surrogate for root canals. Enema blogger. Circus washroom attendant. Ombudsman for Wall Street. We don't need more fools in the wine business. We're overstocked.

What wine blogs do you read?

I must spend three to four hours a day reading blogs. I even use Google to translate blogs--and
those are the domestic ones. I hate to single out favorites, there are so many. I read Vinography for my diabetes. I'm a huge fan of 1Wine Dude--I've never missed a post. Never read one, never missed one. When I think my personal life is a mess I head on over to Fermentation to be comforted that I'm way better off than most. And then there are so many "undiscovered" gems out there in cyberspace. If you haven't already, you should read WinePimp. WinePimp solicits wine from wineries and guarantees he will give them a positive review, but if they don't send him a percentage of the sales of that wine he promises to beat them like Rihanna. Hilarious! First guy to figure out how to monetize his blog. Then there's BrettMaverick, who writes about his love for Brett and how it got him a gig as a major wine critic. Claims he invented the 100 point scale. And when I really want to learn something about wine I read Doyouwanttoreallylearnsomethingaboutwine. I've learned a lot about wine from reading blogs, but this one tops them all for valuable wine info. Of course. It's written by a guy who's worked in a wine shop for three years! Way overqualified. I smell an AWBA in his future.
See question #2: If Rihanna can do it, why can't God?

Why do you continue to blog when so many people wish you'd stop?

My idea for "monetizing" HoseMaster of Wine is to get everyone to chip in and pay me to stop. Or, alternatively, if every winery in California sends me a free sample I'll quit. I promise to say something nice about all of them. But not in a blog. I'll be talking to myself. Which, when you think about it, is exactly the same as blogging. Just less typing.


Samantha Dugan said...

(Writing out a check) How much is it gonna take?!

Samantha Dugan said...

(tearing up the check) Nah, I wanna keep ya.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Gorgeous Sam,

Judging from my Hit Counter, you're the only one who wants to keep me. Of course, all of my biggest fans are at the Wine Bloggers Gitmo.

I adore you!

charlie olken said...

I can't afford you. I understand that Marvin made you a big-time offer. CGCW doesn't pay its writers. We have none.

Samantha Dugan said...

And I you....