Monday, July 20, 2009

The Lost Nude Photos of Michael Broadbent

I have so many things that I want to write about on HoseMaster of Wine. I was even thinking about writing about wine, but who gives a crap what a wine blogger thinks about wine? No one reads wine blogs to find wines to buy. Hell, no. We read wine blogs to find out what sucks about wines--corkiness, light-spoiled, heat ruined, overpriced, understuffed--and what sucks about the wine business--interstate shipping laws, 1oo point scales, Marvin Shanken. Wine blogs aren't about the love of wine, they're about the love of self. And it takes a lot of wine for that to happen.

I have lists and lists of subjects for HoseMaster of Wine. But here are a few of the ideas that I've
rejected. Feel free to steal them, Blogger Nation.

The Lost Nude Photos of Michael Broadbent
Turns out they weren't lost, just mistaken for a Yeti.
Mr Broadbent on the set of his secret porn film, "Melt my Dipstick."

Music Damaged Wine
A scathing article from Dan Berger about the dirty secret that winemakers and wine shops are keeping from you--loud Mexican music can damage your expensive bottle of wine!! Oh sure, it takes an extremely talented and near-perfect palate to tell, but Los Tigres del Norte completely destroyed the 2006 vintage of Opus One.

The Truth About Shipping Laws
It ain't the laws. California wineries don't want to ship to fucking Kentucky. Unless it's Jess shipping a broken-down thoroughbred there. The Family Wineries of California donate thousands of dollars to keep their wine out of the hands of hillbillies.

The Secret Paris Tasting of 1978
France vs. Italy. Neither country was able to conclusively win. True to form, they both surrendered.

Jancis Robinson is a Man!
OK, not exactly a surprise.

Steve Heimoff is a Man!
Now we're talkin...

George Riedel Arrested in Huge Ponzi Scheme
Bernie Madoff says, "I never screwed people out of that much money compared to George! I tip my prison cap to him."

Alsace Wines All Produced In Mendocino
Wineries in Alsace are just fronts for laundering schnitzel. Navarro secretly produces 40% of the Alsace wines on the market and dumbs them down for wine critics to understand them.

Wine Bloggers Conference Actually Satan Worship
Wine Blogger Awards followed by human sacrifice and impregnating Alice Feiring with the spawn of Robert Parker, the bloggers' incarnation of Beelzebub.

X-Rays Reveal Laube's Taste Buds in His Colon
Left behind by a gerbil, California winemakers vow to massage them anyway, as usual.

M.S. Awarded to Mannequin

Shocking, but not the first dummy to win coveted title.

List of Rejected Ideas for Posts
Only a moron would think that was a funny premise.


Anonymous said...

Good thing I live in Tennessee, not Kentucky! I mught have been offended.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Yet another Anon,

Missed it by THAT much...

Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just a reporter, I don't make this stuff up.

Bartholomew Broadbent said...

I think my father will get a big hoot out of your article...what scared me in opening was that you might really have had nude pictures of him... after all, he once famously wrote in Decanter about his ambition to make love in every great vineyard in the world. He described one such vineyards in the South of France as being a horrible experience because it was too rocky and wet from the rain. There was a happy ending to the story when the PR woman from that winery heard of his discomfort, so she sent him an umbrella, a cushion and some olive oil! True story by the way.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hi Bartholomew,

Great story! Just wondering if the olive oil was Extra Virgin. Probably not necessary. And I guess if you're going to use the umbrella you REALLY need the olive oil.

Thanks for visiting my humble blog, Bartholomew. Let me know if your father sees it. He is certainly one of my rare wine writing heroes.

Samantha Dugan said...

Hey Ron,
Moron here again, this is such a funny premise for a blog post! The air around here is getting all....all, fancy and junk, a Broadbent?! Check you out rock star....

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Sam,

Aren't you a Broadbent? A Broadbent on making my heart pound with love?

Sure, I get the coolest readers. Next up that Hardly Worthit guy from Murphy-Goode.

Sam, I love you.

Samantha Dugan said...

The things you say......

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Sam,

I'm just a Jerkbent on making you love me.

Samantha Dugan said...

Your comments made me think of my very own blog and a comment that was made in response to my Gamay post. Really interesting guy, regular poster, he said the most amazing thing to me this afternoon...what was it now? Let me think, it was so thoughtful and sensitive...oh, that's right...he said, "Get In Line"...funny fits here too.

Bartholomew Broadbent said...

Though I do see the very funny side of your posts, it is slightly awkward that my 13 year old son Googled his grandfather and then took the discovery literally. He was very upset about there being nude photos of his grandfather, not that there were any. At first, I had forgotten about this post, so I started explaining that it was probably some other Michael Broadbent or it was phishing. However, eventually, I asked more about his information search and I was relieved when he said that it was HoseMaster. I then laughed and explained that it was a spoof and very funny. Not sure if he got it but the questions went away. I don't want to suggest that you change anything but it is a pity that HoseMaster shows up on a Google search for unsuspecting gullible children to come across. Maybe good for you to know that what you write might reach an unsuspected audience... good to know that the children and grandchildren of your subjects might stumble across your stories. Anyway, keep it up... my father at 91 still does.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hello Bartholomew,
That's a strange story. My apologies. Can't say I've ever had that complaint before. And on a post I wrote ten years ago! When none of had any idea how evil the Intergnats could turn out to be. Yikes.

Give my best to your father! Amazing man. It's a sense of humor that keeps us all alive. That and some serious Claret.