Monday, February 13, 2012

My Questionably Funny Valentine

Are you in love with a wine connoisseur? I’m sorry. Wine isn’t a hobby, it’s a disease, like the mumps, or scarlet fever, or professional football. Wine lovers make the worst lovers. They use condoms made by Riedel. Which always break. They think an Ah-So is designed for Her Pleasure. They rate their orgasms. “Sorry, Baby, that was 89—Highly Recommended but hardly Worth Seeking Out.” But you love them, and you want to make them happy on Valentine’s Day. Forget the prix fixe dinner (my prix fixe in Sonoma is 707), the overpriced Flowers (Pinot Noir and Chardonnay), or the latest overhyped box of chocolates (chocolates are to sex what clowns are to circuses—just a way to get to the animal acts). Here are some better ideas to make Valentine’s Day unforgettable for your personal, beloved wine geek.

The Inflatable Celebrity Winemaker

For those lonely nights when you can’t be with your wine lover, there is a new designer line of inflatable celebrity winemakers—SCOREGASM! For him, the fabulous Heidi Peterson Barrett Scoregasm doll. It whispers in his ear as he nears his peak, “You’re a 100 point Screaming Eagle, Baby, I’ll make you soft and juicy.” Or maybe he’d prefer the Helen Turley Wine Goddess model, though, truthfully, you can only get a used one at this point. Most of the Turley models were bought up by her old winemaking clients who are now doing to her what she did unto them.

For her, the fully-loaded Michel Rolland Scoregasm Limited Edition model might make her lonely nights a bit more satisfying. Astride his glistening thief, she’ll hear the magic words, “Come fly with me, Baby, you’re so ripe.” Or maybe she’d prefer the Paul Hobbs Scoregasm model. But be careful, the Paul Hobbs model is spread awfully thin.

There’s little doubt that the wine lover in your life has always dreamed of sex with a celebrity winemaker. Here’s their chance. But be careful they don’t get burned. Just like the real live winemakers, they are full of hot air.

Guest Critic

"Treasure of Sierra Madre Vineyard"
Recently, the major wine publications, and also Wine and Spirits, have decided to open up their reviewing ranks to those wine enthusiasts willing to pay for the privilege. The fee differs from publication to publication (Wine Spectator charges $500, while Food & Wine’s fee is pegged to ten cents per subscriber, currently $1.40), but for the money your wine squeeze will be given free samples of dozens of wines to score. Why, it’s damned near like being a wine blogger, just without all that cumbersome prestige. Make sure and taste the wines blind! You gave your word. OK, go ahead, peek, it’s what all the pros do. There, isn’t this the best Valentine’s Day gift ever? Pretend you’re James Laube and just make a bunch of numbers up. Better yet, you’re Robert Parker! Write a column about Hot New Wineries, then give them outrageous scores. See, you were right. They are HOT! It’s fun to be a professional wine critic. Credentials? Credentials? We don’t need no stinkin’ credentials. We got opinions, and we got numbers, and we got a glossy magazine to put them in. Just imagine the fun your wine guzzling partner will have acting like the pros! But, remember, just because you hand out ratings on borrowed authority that doesn’t mean you can accept large speaking engagement honorariums. Well, not and get caught.

The Complete Charles Shaw Vertical

Trader Joe’s, in celebration of ten years of selling Charles Shaw wines, is offering a Limited Edition Vertical Release of every vintage of Charles Shaw Merlot. It’s damned near twenty bucks worth of wine! Which is more than you can say for most shipments of the Wall Street Journal Wine Club. And, as part of the celebration, each vertical comes with a Fred Franzia bobblehead doll, sure to delight your wine lover, as well as frighten rats. Trader Joe’s has sold 50 million cases of Charles Shaw wines. I kid you not. Two Buck Chuck is the FaceBook of wine. They’re both not for real friends.


No, you don’t need them to guest critique wines, but wouldn’t your wine lover like to have a bunch of initials after his/her name? Oh, you know it! The absolute pride in having a business card with CSW or WSET or LS/MFT after your name, it’s immeasurable! Well, now it’s also easy. Under new laws recently passed by Congress as part of a new jobs program, if you meet anyone with a CSW, WSET, or MS and you know more about wine than they do, you can hijack their initials! It’s easy, and it’s fun! Aim low, start with the CSW. Ten minutes of wine talk, go easy now, don’t confuse them, they can and will spit, and you’ll have your CSW. It's just that simple. Then just talk to your wine lover about the subject and, bang, the CSW is his. It’s Tag for wine dweebs. It’s all legal and it’s all fun. It’s the perfect Valentine for your wine dork. Don’t feel bad, the WSET holder you robbed can get another one. Soon everyone who wants a wine credential will have one and they’ll all be meaningless. Wait. How would that be different? 


PaulG said...

Oh, but Señor Hose, you've left out the best gift of all. A wine improvement gadget! Why just open a bottle and drink it when you can make it better. Just run it through this Vinturi blender thingie – that'll shake it up better than Bobby Brown at the Groanies last night. Or wave your Philip Stein WineWand over it - hey, these things cost about the same as that bottle of Harlan, and you know they'll have to do something... won't they?

Dean Tudor said...

Hey Hoser -- Great writing, but you forgot the "ultimate" credential -- Master of Wine Writing -- the MWW.

Its course syllabus has an entry writing course, MWW I: So You Want to Be a Wine Writer….

MWW I topics include:

– how to get a free kit bag with the name of a vinous conference;

- how to write a short paragraph extolling the virtues of a wine;

- how to ask for a golf shirt and/or jacket from a winery;

- how to make things up and/or get the facts wrong;

- how to ask for a Familiarization (FAM) Tour Trip;

- how to get out of a commitment to write up a media function or trip;

- how to come to grips with the basic but boring elements of grammar;

- how to score pens, paperclips, and notepads;

- how to pretend ignorance;

- how to get free wine glasses for life;

- how to make yourself indispensable;

- how to trade a badly-sized media Tee-Shirt for one that fits;

- how to ask questions at wine functions;

- how to get a free lunch everyday;

- how to recognize a wine pariah;

- how to move up in the pecking order (does not apply to the A Team);

- how to get a travel bag emblazoned with the name of a wine region;

- how to bring dates to wine functions and wine trade dinners;

- how to use a camera for "pretend" pictures;

- how to beg for wine samples and alternate, "second" bottles;

- how to get away with using cologne at wine functions;

Kathy said...

I am so happy I have some initials (including my confirmation name) but I want more. I have asked my wine lover to get me some tomorrow. Initials are very French (as anyone who has lived in France knows).
Currently, only the dolls are Made in China. Soon, will come with wine.

Thomas said...

LS/MFT--indeed. One o' them there obscure references, no?

Inn the 60s we had LAMF and DLAMF, but that's another story.

Good to see Dean is back, but sorry to see that he stole my curriculum notes. Can't trust those MFWDs.

Ron Washam, HMW said...


I guess if I drank as much Oregon wine as you I'd need a wine improvement gadget too. OK, Oregonians, just kidding. But you are on to something here--the wine lover's insatiable need for stupid accessories. Aerators, magnets, wands, flavor straws, nose flutes, dribble Riedels... Doesn't it seem that wine lovers are the poster children for Gullible?


Oh, I left out a lot of the available initials. The MBW, Master Blogger of Wine. The BMW, Blowhard Master of Wine (an advanced degree, but gaining numbers, obviously). The WNBA, Winery Numbskull Blogger Association. The list is endless, and, like all the others, strictly self-congratulatory.


I do sport the HMW after my name, but now that I know the French like it, I may have to have it amputated. Soon I may have to start my test for your very own HMW--it will be very expensive, but also incredibly prestigious.


Yes, it is an obscure reference. Not funny, but obscure.

Samantha Dugan said...

Well I was going to get you a case of Clape but these are way better.

Thomas said...


How many people still smoke those things?

Love the hokiness of the ads back then.

Marlene Rossman said...

Hose, you never fail to make me laugh!
Good on you!

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Not much good on me, but thanks for taking the time to say something kind. There are a LOT of folks who don't find me funny, including me, and they tend to be far more vocal.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dave Larsen said...

Here's a suggestion: Compile all your blogs into a book titled "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wine Humor". Of course, I'll need a cut if you make any money on it.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Great idea, Dave. Only you added one extra word. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wine" would be more accurate.