Monday, July 2, 2012

The HoseMaster's Sneak Preview of New Wine Films

I’ve spent the past week viewing new films which have wine as their subject. Ever since the success of that idiotic “Sideways,” a stupidly formulaic buddy film that expects us to believe that those two guys are best friends, that ten-year-old Byron sparkling wine still has fizz, and that Sandra Oh can out-act her last name, filmmakers have seen wine as lucrative subject for a film, like superheroes, vampires and fart jokes. (I’ve always wondered, does blood-sucking cause flatulence? Remind me to ask Jay McInerney.) Several major studios sent me DVD’s of their upcoming theatrical releases. Here are my reviews.


Merging the Superhero genre with wine, director Francis Ford Crapolla tells the tale of Larry Mephitis, who volunteers to undergo a top secret assignment to sell overpriced Napa Valley Cabernets made by NBA players (Bartles and LeBron James, Kobe Bryant Family Vintage CryBaby Red, Alley Oopus One…) in China. Mad scientists (a memorable cameo by Randall Grahm as Rudolph Steiner—that other fraudulent Rudy) transform Mephitis into Mercaptan America!! Through some rather labored plot devices that involve the French Laundry changing its name to Chinese Laundry and serving monkey brains to James Laube, which raises his I.Q., as well as an amazing fight scene between Mercaptan America!! and Yao Ming that is remarkable for Yao’s nutsack being used for speed boxing, Mercaptan America is smuggled into China. Once there, our hero convinces the gullible Chinese that “those aren’t mercaptans, my friends, that’s the very smell of roadside America itself!” Apparently, there wasn’t much of a budget for the special effects (created by Industrial Light and Magic Johnson), so you’ll have a hard time believing those expensive Napa Cabernets are in such lightweight bottles. I also had a hard time swallowing Eric Asimov (as one would) as Mercaptan America!!’s love interest, though he positively glows.

TOP 100

You knew it was only a matter of time before Aaron Sorkin wrote a film about the wine business. In his signature Paddy Chayefsky Lite style (all the indignation, half the wit), Sorkin’s script is a vicious and predictably pedantic look at how Wine Spectator chooses its Top 100 Wines of the Year. Director Alan Smithee coaxes a brilliant performance from Billy Gardell (“Mike and Molly”) as Marvin Shanken, and the entire ensemble cast, who portray the reviewers for Wine Spectator, does a remarkable job making you feel like you’re right there making the Top 100 list with them. That is, you’re certain they don’t give a crap about you. Sorkin’s dialogue crackles. There’s a wonderful scene between James Laube (great casting of Marcel Marceau, nearly life-like) and Tim Fish (Don Knotts) which concludes with Fish speaking the memorable Sorkin lines, “California wine isn’t the greatest wine in the world, that’s just what we’re paid to sell the suckers. We’re shills, patsies, bought and paid for noses who assign crooked numbers in crooked fashion. And I, for one, couldn’t be prouder.” Ooh, that Sorkin is a genius.


From France comes this lovely little film about a young boy who decides at an early age he wants to become a sommelier.  Recognizing his gifts, the Académie du Sneer in Paris grants the young CoCo a full scholarship. Graduating Summa Cum Elvis, CoCo then begins his studies for an M.W. In his tasting group is the alluring Chloe Vougeot, but CoCo is unsuccessful at getting past her walls and, downcast, he begins his slow descent into alcoholism, fortuitously a requirement for the M.W. Secretly, he begins to worship Chloe Vougeot, even going so far as to have her name tattooed on his meat thief. Well, up to the “l”-- he’s a sommelier after all. Chloe will have nothing to do with him until he is a working sommelier. CoCo finally passes his M.W. exam; in a suspenseful scene he successfully identifies an old Sancerre by meowing. CoCo then manages to regain his sobriety by dedicating his wine cellar to Grüner Veltliner, Prosecco and Tannat in a Can. He is hired by a Three Michelin Star restaurant in Lyon at the tender age of 22 and proceeds to overhaul the wine list and sell only natural wines. He is given a medal by the Sommelier Society for “Arrogance in the Face of Customer Service.” Chloe finally throws herself at CoCo Vin, and after a passionate and erotic lovemaking scene where Chloe traces his tattoo and wants to know, “Where did the Vou  geot?,” the two are seen honeymooning in South Africa, CoCo’s trademark lip curled. The moral of the story? Sneer, and yet safari.


Anonymous 3 said...

I smell an Oscar sweep. Nevermind, it's just Laube's blood induced flatulence.

Thomas said...

I vote for CoCo Vin.

Funny, even though I spent twenty minutes looking for the "I" in Chloe Vougeot.

Alfonso Cevola said...

Did you forget about the Hosemaster bio-pic, Snideways?

Ron Washam, HMW said...


Nah, I just hated the performance in the lead role by Chaz Bono.


I need a better typeface. Hell, I need a better face.

Samantha Dugan said...

You had me at blood sucking Jay McInerney.

Thomas said...

Next up: the Vinpire of the Central Valley: Turns White Wine Blood Red.

Carolyn Blakeslee said...

Where did the Vou geot ...
OMW nearly spit out my coffee.

Joe Taylor said...

Love you blog HoseMaster. Our industry needs to laugh at ourselves more. And speaking of laughing at ourselves, here is a "sipcom" we are working on. It's a comedy web series about a financially struggling winery and its dysfunctional staff.

Beau said...

I wish I had something funny to say or even to add to this conversation..But I don't. I laughed my ass off though, bravo, Hosemaster!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Gang,

OK, this is my favorite SPAM of alltime, just recently held back by Google on this post:

Earth, tiny question from Alpha Centauri! 混蛋


tất cả các mẹ ngu ngốc



لدي أنبوب منزلك المكسورة
יש לי צינור שבור הבית שלך

I hope you understand me , otherwise the earth will be destroyed

I think I may use that last sentence as my new tag line for HoseMaster of Wine



Samantha Dugan said...

Holy shit! I love it!

Bill Klapp said...

Dude, it could have been totally inadvertent, but it seemed that you gave Paddy C. his props whilst chucking spitballs at Aaron Sorkin. If so, this qualifies you as an intellectual...the blogosphere's first ever!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Bill,

How are things in Piemonte?

Inadvertent? I don't do anything inadvertently. Just once in my life I'd like to write something as smart as "Network" or "Hospital." Sorkin's stuff always sounds great the first time, but after that, it's that needle stuck on your LP that keeps playing the same thing over and over and over and over and over...

Paddy C. was a genius. Sorkin has one, and only one, tone--pedantic.

Bill Klapp said...

I could not agree more about the Padmeister AND Sorkin. However, as great as he was, one can only wonder how much more inspired and brilliant Chayefsky's work might have been had he, too, done magic mushrooms, crack and a few hot starlets! (Gee, I hope that Sorkin is not a regular around here. I don't want to hurt the guy's feelings!) Actually, stateside for three more weeks, then in the Piemonte for 6 months. Or for good.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Bill,

Those three things really work for me as well! And alcohol abuse helps too.

Whenever I'd watch "West Wing" I'd go crazy. Every actor on that show spoke in exactly the same cadence and style. Most of the time, they could have switched lines with each other and it wouldn't have made a difference. Drove me nuts. Sorkin only hears one voice in his head, and it's the one he loves, his own.

Yeah, I'm stateside for the next twenty years, then in Hell after that. For good. Or for evil, more exactly.

Bill Klapp said...

Ron, my gift to you: Aaron Sorkin on his new show, The Newsroom:

"I think that the critics and the audience who are reacting as hostilely to the show as they are, part of the reason is because they think that I'm showing off an intellect and an erudition that I don't have," says Sorkin. "I'm not pretending to have it. I know that I don't have it. I phonetically create the sound of smart people talking to each other. I'm not one of them. The characters I create would have no use for me."