Thursday, May 2, 2013

Aesop's Wine Fables

                                        The Winemaker and the Cow

A cow was calmly grazing in her pasture when she was approached by a winemaker with a chainsaw and a bucket.

“I need your horns,” the winemaker said.

The cow ruminated a moment, then responded, “Go fuck yourself.” Obviously, this cow was Jersey.

The winemaker fired up the chainsaw and made to remove the cow’s horns from her head. The cow was spooked, and she immediately took a steaming dump. The winemaker turned off the chainsaw and quickly scooped the manure into his bucket. “Thanks,” he said to the cow, “I needed that for my biodynamic tea. Now hold still while I borrow your horns too.”

With that, the cow lowered her head and gored the winemaker. When he fell to the ground, she kicked him repeatedly. Then she dug a hole with her front hooves, nosed the dead winemaker into it, and buried him with his bucket of manure.

MORAL: Live by shit, die by the shit.

                                                     The Critic and the Gnat
A famous wine critic was reviewing wines, but every time he assigned points to the wines, a gnat spoke in his ear.

“Hey, Tubby, you don’t know what you’re talking about.,” the gnat said, buzzing in and out of his ear, making as much noise as an insignificant insect can make, “and assigning numbers to wine is stupid. Plus, I know you’re on the take from big corporate wineries, you have no integrity, and you like big, oaky, stupid wines that winemakers make just to please you.”

The famous wine critic ignored the gnat, mostly because he really couldn’t hear the worthless insect. He decided to score his friend the screaming raptor’s wine 99 points.

“Moron,” the gnat screamed, though the famous wine critic couldn’t hear him, “I’m going to expose you for what you are to all the other gnats. I’m going to start my own Intergnat blog and tell everyone what a phony you are, how they shouldn’t listen to you, that they should trust their own taste, or, better, they should believe me and all the other gnats on the Intergnat. Soon you’ll be as insignificant as I am.”

Glancing up from his tasting notes, the famous wine critic finally noticed the gnat. With amazing reflexes, the critic brought his two hands together and extinguished the gnat.

MORAL: Most of the annoying insects on the Intergnat will die of the clap.

                                           The Sommelier and the Weird Zebra
The sommelier was touring wine country, searching for the Next Big Thing in grape varieties no one cares about, when he spotted a zebra standing in a field. Normally, you spot a leopard, but that’s a different fable. The sommelier wasn’t touring South Africa, Pinotage is so pre-Apartheid, so a zebra was a strange sight.

“Zebra,” the sommelier asked, “what are you doing in wine country?”

“Leave me alone,” the zebra said, “I hate sommeliers. They’re all such phonies.”

The sommelier paused, not from the insult, a sommelier is used to insults, but because this zebra had a strange accent for a zebra. He sounded like a horse. Neigh, he had to be a horse.

“You’re not a zebra! You’re just an ordinary horse painted to look like a zebra.”

“And you,” retorted the zebra, “are just a glorified waiter who’s been interested in wine for about eight years, took some stupid online wine course, bought a tastevin, and actually just locks the restaurant doors at night. I’m as much a zebra as you are a sommelier.”

The sommelier replied, “I’ve fucked nicer horses than you.”

MORAL: Zebras and sommeliers have to earn their stripes, not just pretend they’re real, because once you speak, everyone knows you’re a fake.

                                                      The Vixen and the Grapes
A vixen who was famous for her beauty made a career out of having sex with as many reynards as possible in front of a camera. Sometimes other vixens too. When she was young, it was mostly silver foxes she had sex with. As she got older, it was kits. She was the most famous tail in foxdom.

One day, while strolling around the hillsides near where she lived, she came upon a vineyard. It was September, and the vines were pornographically endowed with grapes. The vixen was aroused. She had grown tired of ignorant and musky reynards inserting themselves into her various organs. Turns out there are atheists in foxholes. She’d felt most of them. But now, in this mystical vineyard, she had found her true calling. Grapes. 

The vixen had saved a lot of money from her reynard sexcapades, and the next day she bought the vineyard and vowed never to have public fox sex again.

The vixen hired the best winemaker she could find, paid him handsomely, and then used her renowned beauty and promiscuity to sell her wines. And it worked. Soon people began to write about her story. In fact, her story overshadowed the wine, which, if truth be known, was rather pedestrian. Once again, she laughed all the way to the bank.

MORAL: If you can fake orgasms, you can fake Brunello.


Charlie Olken said...

I was struck by the confluence of gnats and zebras. Neither of them have earned their stripes, both tend to buzz around aimlessly and, in the end, they will all die of the clap.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Puff Daddy,
I keep hearing that classic Holiday time commercial, "Clap on. Clap off. Clap on, clap off--The Clapper!" I wonder if the old woman in it is still alive. Or if the Clapper is in the crapper.

Meanwhile, yeah, gnats and weird zebras have a lot in common. And aren't we all amazed at the wisdom of Aesop?!

Don Clemens said...

You had me at "Jersey". Great post, Ron.

Quizicat said...

Hmmm, I had to look twice to realize that the Zebra was not really one. I just assumed it was a Zebra. There must be a message there.
By the way, the graphics are great!
I thought you were going to have something about furries for a moment.

Unknown said...

A little learning is a dangerous thing... a little sex is not enough.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thank you. Just my usual silliness.

Aesop's Fables are all about messages, and it seems you've received one. Lot of fake zebras in the world. And they often fool you.

Ah yes. Confucius say, Man who go lickety-split get hair in teeth.

We're fountains of wisdom.

Unknown said...

Am I weird to be turned on by the cartoon vixen? Hubba Hubba.. I've got to get out more.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Yes. And yes.

Marcia Macomber said...

I'm with Don; the cow from Jersey is priceless! More fables, please!

voice of reason said...

A great post as always...

and I think that "intergnat" is a word worthy of trademarking.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Everyone loves a foul-mouthed cow. And I just may uncover more of Aesop's Wine Fables. So much to learn from the Ancients.

Yeah, I liked Intergnats too. Don't know where that came from, but I'm kinda proud of it.

Dean Tudor said...

I see you wrote something about Gnat MacLean...I thought you were going to lay off...Zebra alone..

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I would, but I just Decants.

Samantha Dugan said...

David, don't feel bad, I got a little worked up by the gnat...gots it bad for guys on the intergnat. Oh, and Ron My Love, this post was just the welcome home I needed when I rolled in past 11:00 PM last night. Thank you and I love you so!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
Welcome home, Baby. Hope you had a lovely time in Spain. We all look forward to reading about it over on your blog.

The best thing about gnats? Way more puns available than with mosquitoes. I'm still loving "the Intergnat."

Charlie Olken said...

The Intergnat is certainly a fine descriptor not only of the medium, but perhaps also of the denizens who gather there.

Would a blogger also be an Intergnat?

Can a blogger be both a poodle and an Intergnat? Inquiring minds want to know.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

The gnats create the buzz on the Intergnat, though it's mere annoyance and without meaning. Poodles preen and prance and bark for the attention. So, yes, bloggers can be, and often are, both.

I hope this clears things up, things I just now made up.

Joe Roberts said...

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Anonymous said...

A remarkable document. well, a distinktive one anyway.