Monday, June 16, 2014

Lo Hai Qu on the 2014 Wine Blog Awards

The Wine Blog Award Nominees were announced last week, and my scary intern, Lo Hai Qu, is a little peeved that she wasn't nominated. The HoseMaster of Wine™ was nominated twice, but Lo was stiffed. She marched into my office and demanded the blog for this week's post. Oh, man, here we go...

OK, so this blows like narwhal 'ho's. It's like, last year I won a Wine Blog Award for Best Blog Post, which I totally deserved, especially since the other posts in my category were stupider than an episode of “Two Broke Girls.” But then this year, they just announced the finalists for the Wine Dog Awards and, fuckin' get this, no Lo contendre! Can you believe that? I’m like the defending champion, and I don’t even get a mention? What sort of incompetent judges did they have this year? Or, more likely, incontinent judges. I tried to find out who the judges were, but there wasn’t any list of them anywhere. I mean, I don’t blame them for being ashamed, being a judge for the Wine Slog Awards is harder than judging at the Bumfuck County Fair—you need to be able to tell one pig from another, only with wine bloggers all you can see is the slop they’re wallowin’ around in. OK, yeah, I’m bitter.

Loqueesha told me I should just chill, that it doesn’t matter. So I like punched her in the neck, right on her tattoo of Natalie MacLean humping a Methuselah, which makes her crazy. Natalie, not Loqueesha. Of course it matters! The Wine Pawg Awards are the most important awards there are for people who self-publish their worthless thoughts about wine. What are the chances these losers are ever going to get any other kind of award? Like there’s an organization that gives awards to people with hardly any talent who have the guts to display that all the time, I mean, aside from wine competitions. Wine bloggers need these awards.

But, so, like, there’s the irony. It’s not really an award. You win, and you don’t get snot. Not even a pat on the ass, and, believe me, these lonely bloggers really, really want a pat on the ass. You look at their photos and you know they haven’t been touched by another human being in a long time. Jameson Fink? OK, maybe Jameson Fink cuz, look at him, for sure he’s a ventriloquist dummy. There’s no money involved either. You’d think there’d be some money involved when you win an award, like maybe some Bitcoins or a bunch of lottery tickets anyway. Nope. Nada. Zip. Zero. Palate Press. The Wine Stroke Awards have all the value of back issues of Mutineer Magazine—pretty much you just get your ass wiped. Or you’d think you’d get some kind of trophy, or a plaque, or maybe commemorative nipple rings, like the ones I got from eating ten Grand Slam breakfasts at Denny’s without using utensils. Shit, maybe Loqueesha’s right, which would be a first, though she did say David Schildknecht was a robot. Maybe the Wine Splooge Awards don’t matter. I mean, look at who’s nominated, right?

So when I saw that I wasn’t even fuckin’ nominated, I made the mistake of looking at the blogs that were. Oh, fuck, really, don’t do this. I’m warning you, just don’t do it. OK, like, pretend this is just like some cool slasher flick where you want to shout at the stupid girl on the screen, “Don’t go into the dark cabin in the woods in only your panties!” because you know the bad guy is going to dismember her with a Ginzu knife and a weed whacker. I’m telling you, don’t go and read the nominees for Best Overall Wine Blog! Nothing good can come of it. What that bad guy does to the girl in panties, they’ve done to wine writing—taken a weed whacker to it.

I asked the HoseMaster, who’s whacked a few weeds, and himself, a lot, if those were really the Best Wine Blogs. “Sure,” he tells me, “which is what’s sad.” Oh, fuck him, I went and read them my own Lo self. Wow, in my really cute hind sight that was stupid, like going to the doctor and begging him to give you sleep apnea.

See, what the deal is, since I started as the HoseMaster’s intern, I’ve started really liking wine. I used to drink it before, but I just did it cuz it was there and it made me feel like shit. Then I started tasting the good stuff, and I started liking it, and it still made me feel like shit. Which is cool. It’s like when I started having sex, too. I just did it cuz it made me feel worthless, not cuz I enjoyed it. Now I enjoy it, and I still feel worthless, but it’s a good kind of worthless, so that’s also cool. Maybe those Best Overall Wine Bloggers are the same way. I mean, you read those blogs (NO, I’m beggin’ you, DON’T, and not in just your panties!) and you can tell they’re just going through the motions, like a date that just lays there, and they know what they’re writing is kinda worthless, but that’s all they need, that feeling of just doing it, even though it’s mostly empty. I mean, they write just about the same crap every post, which is like eating the same goddam thing for breakfast every morning. It's amazing that you never get sick of it.

And they’re all such kiss-asses. They make little drawings, and they love every winery and winemaker they meet, and all the other bloggers who love them are sooooo talented, and wine is so mystical and amazing and made them all better people, but not better writers, and they have so many important things to say if only they could think of them... It’s like one of those suckass sororities that wouldn’t have me. One big house full of people whose only claim to actual fame or talent is they’re in a big house full of boring people exactly like them. They don’t define their little wine blogs, their little wine blogs define them.

OK, so, yeah, I’m kinda bitter. I was sure I was going to get a nomination. I’ve been bragging about it, and now Shizzangela is ridin’ my ass, makin’ fun of me, tellin’ me I’m no Goode, that I got Wakawaka leaking from my bare root chakra, that I’m goin’ Doon on endless Poodle dick, and I bite worse than Enobytes--endless shit like that. Damn Shizzy. She crazy. I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not votin’ for anybody in the Wine Blog Awards. Not even for the HoseMaster. (Best Wine Reviews? Yeah, and Donald Sterling might get an award from the NAACP.) In fact, I think I’m going to return my Wine Blog Award from last year, fuck ‘em. Only how do you return nothing?


Unknown said...

Love the pic of Lo.. hahahaa.. comic gold for the next month with that sad sack of shit of noms..Hawkawawkawawaaaa.. best overall wine blog.. jeeessusss.. what the column about her dad or her mom or her sister clinched it.. zzzz.. what the hell, not even a nod for Walder?? got his eye glazer last night.. a freebie trip to Vienna and nothing but 9.o's's and 9.5's for Vienna's fab Pinot Noir's, another pic of Sonoma hills and a plug for a wine tasting in SF.. don't wear white and don't forget to spit! Thanx Walder! with such fab wine writing you're a shoo-in for a Poodle next year!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Lo wanted a new pic, and I thought this one suited her personality. I think she's plotting to kill me.

I have mixed feelings about the Poodles. I am flummoxed, but pleased, that folks took the time and trouble to nominate HoseMaster (I had no idea they had, whoever they are); and being selected by the judges, many of whom I admire (at least last year, this year's judges are still under wraps, or armed guards) is also quite flattering. But the awards themselves are emptier than a Jamie Goode blog post.

As you note, however, therein lies the comedy. If, indeed, these are the best the wine blog world has to offer, is it any wonder our readerships are so tiny? As Lo points out, for the most part the nominees are the most enthusiastic strokers in the great wine biz circle jerk. But maybe that's what the awards are for. Truly, though, reading through most of the nominees is supremely depressing. I wouldn't exclude myself from that, either.

Every year I kick around the idea of during a serious critical analysis of the Poodle nominees, but I just can't bring myself to invest that much time into the whole affair. No one takes the awards seriously. They have no value, and no actual purpose, nor do they celebrate the best of wine writing on the Internet. They're very amateur awards given to very amateur writers. On that level, they are harmless as well as worthless.

Alderpated is, and always will be, mired in mediocrity. In our online world, that gets celebrated. The list of past winners of Poodles is an exercise in humdrum. Maybe that is the best representation of the wine blog world, after all. The Poodles redefine excellence as hackneyed and humdrum.

Sounds like I'm a shoo-in!

Samantha Dugan said...

I don't know sister, I've always sort of seen it as winning to NOT be included with the unwashed and uninspired masses of medium. I've not seen the list this year, nor will I, but I can't imagine I'm missing much. But what do I know, I don't really read wine blogs anyway! Keep your chin up girlie, and tell that dreamy boss of your that I love him!

Hawk_Wakawaka said...

Could I get a medallion to put on my site for being mentioned here?

Hawk_Wakawaka said...

You know, to think of it, I could totally see Lo doing that -- handing out her own "You're Crap" medallions to people. She might pass out before she gives it to more than a few people, but it would suit her.

"these lonely bloggers really, really want a pat on the ass" made me laugh pretty hard, but the MacLean neck tattoo is my favorite moment.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
I don't let Lo anywhere near my common taters, but she said to tell you that you have horrible taste in men, and that, no, you're not missing much when it comes to Poodles.

Hating the Poodles is just another way of taking it way too seriously. It's just another Tom Wark production, but not one he can be proud of like he can be proud of Henry.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
I can't even seem to muster enough shits to hate on the poodles, but you already know how I feel about all that. Don't hate because I truly don't care. I didn't even know it was that time again until you told me, and I saw someone on facebook begging for votes...yuck. I've always loved Your work Ron, I think you are insanely talented Love, which is why I've been your loyal tatter for years. I know, not much of an award but my loyalty and heart are all I've got to give. they are yours fine sir...always.

Marcia Macomber said...

Love Lo's new photo. (Bet she does too.) It wouldn't be the same here w/o Lo skewering the nominees. Every industry needs its roast, er, toast, er, roast, and it wouldn't be the same here without it.

Have to agree with Elaine, the tattoo was fabulous as was the nice way Lo incorporated all the blogs into the ending. Go, Lo!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

OK, you've got enough damn medallions, you don't need any more. Your blog's starting to look like my refrigerator, covered in stupid magnets. But congrats on being nominated for Best Overalls on a Wine Blogger.

Lo Hai Qu is a little opinionated, and usually wrong, which is why she'd be a perfect judge of wine blogs. I've often kicked around the idea of giving out some kind of HoseMaster Awards, but have never come up with a premise for them that I actually like. And it would mean I'd have to look at them, and I value what little time is left to me on this Earth.

It's hilarious to me to be nominated in a category alongside Chris Kassel (much funnier than I), Jameson Fink (indefatigably cliché), Blinky (hilariously without self-awareness), and someone Chasing the Vine who reads like the copy for late night TV novelties for sale. I wish we could all win.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
I know how you feel, and you know how I feel, and we agree about 99%. And your love and heart mean more to me than winning a hundred million awards. Unless I won a Miss Congeniality--then all bets are off.

I love you, Samantha

Hawk_Wakawaka said...

Ron, your back handed compliment gave me a good smile too. Thanks.

I still think a "You're Crap" medallion is the way to go. Going through the trouble of making one undercuts the message, which is part of why the idea makes me laugh.

Thanks for the lunch time read here. I needed it.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Marcia Love,
These days I am always trying to find excuses (subjects) to hand over my blog to Lo. She's still a work in progress, but I love doing her Voice. I was sad she didn't get another nomination this year for a Poodle. I don't care about winning as the HoseMaster, but I loved winning as Lo Hai Qu. I'm the only cross-dressing wine blogger, aside from Alice Feiring.

renzo said...


I find it predictable that you can't take a direct shot across your box of crayons without trying to neuter Hosemaster's gibe. Sure, you guys are pals. But can't you give him the space to level the insult without trying to limit the damage.

Come on, have you ever met a winemaker that you didn't proclaim was "special", "charmed", etc? Do you really think people are fascinated by pictures of you and your family? I know you are ;).

Try harder. Your crayon depictions of the flavor wheel are a neat trick. Keep up the good work.

Hawk_Wakawaka said...

Renzo, I simply choose not to waste time writing about the fucks I meet. My crayons and I have other things to do.