Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine

Some of you morons are going to ask what qualifications I have to be a wine critic. I have better qualifications than the clowns who are writing about wine now, but, I admit, that’s not saying much. I mean, look at Robert Parker. He’s just some fat, old, former attorney. You know what I call fat, old, former attorneys? Bathroom attendants. I shake my schlong dry and they wipe up after. Who cares what that washed-up schlong mop thinks about wine? I know a lot more about wine than Parker does. I gave the greatest winery in the state of Virginia to my son. Well, my idiot son. But there you go, that just shows you I must be against abortion.

And don’t talk to me about Jim Laube. He couldn’t make it as a sports writer so he gets a gig with some wine magazine that people read while they’re taking a dump, and you’re going to take his wine advice? I feel sorry for you. Did you know he spits all the wine?! That’s disgusting. I never spit, not unless there’s a Muslim or a Mexican around. Or Megyn Kelly. I have ten wine cellars, and each one is bigger than Laube’s whole house. There’s your damned qualifications.

And who is this Antonio Balloni guy? Galloni? What’s his name? Balloni, Galloni, it’s all the same. No, listen, I like Antonio, he’s a nice guy. His wife, his wife is gorgeous. He’s probably too drunk most of the time to take care of her, but that’s her problem. Wouldn’t happen if she were my wife, just sayin’. He’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t have much of a palate. I know the guy, I’ve tasted with him, I’ve sat across from him, and, let me tell you, I had to explain the wines to him. The guy tells me the wine is corked, and there’s the cork sitting right there next to the open bottle! He’s an idiot. Though I’d do his wife, his wife is a babe.

When I’m your leading wine critic, we’re going to make wine great again! These guys, Parker and Laube and Galloni, they’ve ruined wine. Wine is worse now than it was when Jesus was making it. And that was some pretty nasty stuff back then. Well, what do you expect? Jesus was a Jew, and Jews don’t make good wine, everybody knows that. But it’s worse now. I’ve had every wine that those wine weaklings have given a hundred points. I’ve got cases of those wines. You know what? They stink. I wouldn’t let Hilary drink ‘em. I wouldn’t let Bill drink ‘em either because he’d go out and try to get some intern to taste from his meat thief.

If I made a wine that Parker gave a hundred points, I’d be ashamed of myself. Like I voted for a Kenyan for President of the United States. I’d just give up winemaking and go back to school and try to do something useful with my life. Like maybe be a suicide bomber at VinItaly. You have to be a terrible winemaker to get a hundred points from Parker. I feel sorry for those guys. I know even my idiot son wouldn’t hire a winemaker like that.

If I tell you a wine is great, that’s all you have to know. Just run out and buy as many bottles as you can afford. I don’t need to give it points. 88—94—107…what does that mean? 38-24-36, now we’re talking. Those are some points. I married those points, with a Double D after the first score. Who cares how many points you get? This isn’t the NBA! Black people don’t drink wine. I love black people, but they don’t drink wine. I think it’s genetic, like Asians. Anyway, when I’m your wine critic, there won’t be any points. Don’t need ‘em. They’re like tits on Bernie Sanders. Or Carly Fiorina, she may have some one day. Hey, Carly, I’m buyin’!

Once I’m in charge of what wines sell, I’m also going to clean up the winery business. Oh, they’re not gonna like it. But I don’t care. I’m not weak like that New York Times sissy Eric Asimov. Too bad Eric isn’t more like his Uncle Isaac. That guy was a great bartender! “The Love Boat,” what a great show. Captain Shtupping—I’ve been called that! This might shock you, but 97% of the wineries in this country employ illegal aliens! 97%! Mexicans!

Why are we letting Mexicans pick our wine grapes? It’s crazy. They cross our borders, they steal, they take our charity, they rape our women, then they pick our wine grapes. Where do they get their energy? It’s crazy to let Mexicans pick our wine grapes. What’s next? We let Al Qaeda build our airports? Boko Haram run the Girl Scouts? It’s gotta stop. I’d build a wall around wine country, see how many of them could get past it to pick grapes. I mean, France has all kinds of walls around their vineyards. They call ‘em Clos. It works. You never see a Mexican in Bordeaux. You don’t hear Parker talking about this problem, but he’s weak. The Emperor has no Clos.

This rating wine thing is easy. I’ll tell you how easy it is. I don’t even drink, and I’m the most powerful wine critic in the world. Drinking shows weakness. I’ll give them one thing, the Muslims got that right. Name one great leader who drank. OK, Churchill, but if it wasn’t for us Americans that fat slob ends up Hitler’s buttboy. Now Hitler, he didn’t drink. There was a leader! Yeah, he did some stuff he shouldn’t have, but the guy could throw a rally! I’m thinking maybe I should start the Trump Youth. Really, it’s simple, you want to be a leader, don’t drink and have cool hair.

When I’m the most famous wine critic, which is maybe a month or so away, after I start my new wine magazine, “Wine Trumptator,” you can be sure that I’ll be telling you the best wines to drink based on things far more important than taste. Like advertising. You want great wine reviews, you want the Trumptator seal of approval? Run some full-page ads in “Wine Trumptator!” Grow up, America. This is how business works. Oh, yeah, sure, some of you are going to whinge about how this isn’t fair to the little guy, the guy who can’t afford an ad in my magazine. Suck it up. Grow a pair. Or if you’re Hitler, grow one! This isn’t going to be Obama’s America where we blind taste and pretend we’re objective, where we try to support the little guy. Wine isn’t about objectivity. Wine isn’t about stories and dreams. Only losers think that. Wine is about prestige and power. You snuggle up to wine because you want to be seen as important and educated, like me. It won’t work, but try not to look stupid doing it, not like poor Bill Koch. Bill, I love you, I know you look up to me, but getting suckered by some pimply little Asian dude selling you fake wines? You’re a loser. Winners drink what I tell them to drink. Face it, you don’t know anything about wine or you wouldn’t be reading wine magazines in the first place.

So here’s my first recommendation. Meomi Pinot Noir. Buy it. The guy sold it to Constellation for 700 million dollars! I love the guy. Wagner. Wrote great operas, too. Who is this guy, I want to meet him. He’s a winner. Lots of ads, lots of press, bang, his crap wine gets lots of high scores! When I’m through, the wine business will never be the same.