Monday, September 12, 2016

A Child's Garden of Wine Verses

There was a crooked man, and he had a crooked view,

He owned a crooked business by the name of Premier Cru.

He’d sell you crooked Petrus, he’d sell you fake Mouton, see,

He’d bugger your dumb ass with his little scheme of Ponzi.

Mary had a Coravin,
She’d been fleeced, you know,
And every wine that Mary drank
Convinced her it was so.

It pierced the foil and the cork,
Which was against all rules,
The air replaced with neutral gas,
The wise replaced with fools.

But Parker had come out for it,
And praised the way it works.
They sold a million tubes of gas—
Symbolic of the jerks.


“You pierce the cork with stainless steel,
Remove it and it heels.
I remember my virginity,
I know how that cork feels.”

“But filling me with nasty gas,”
Said Mary to the makers,
“Just doesn’t keep my insides fresh—
Ask any undertakers.”

So Mary took her Coravin,
And all its stupid needles,
And tossed them in the fucking trash.
“It’s just as fake as Riedels.”

Simple Simon met a Steiman                                         
Living in an RV.
Said Simple Simon to the Steiman,
Your first name must be Harvey.

Says Simple Steiman to our Simon,
What about it, jerk?                           
Says Simple Simon to the Steiman,
I’m a big fan of your work.

Simple Simon went Tim-Fishing,
It was his stupid hobby.
“You must be quite an imbecile
To be beneath Jim Laube.”

“You all write just alike to me
Your works could not be samer.
Pretentious is your middle names,
Its last name ends in Kramer.”

We taste blind. We taste blind.

For all you know. For all you know.

We give the points that we think are due,

Them use them for our ad revenue,

But we swear to God that it isn’t true,

How stupid are you?

Little Miss Puckette

Sat on a bucket

Stealing her charts from prey.

Then came a real writer

Who sat down beside her

And frightened Miss Puckette away.

Monday’s wine is full of sweet,  
Tuesday’s wine goes great with meat.

Wednesday’s wine is full of Brett 
Thursday’s wine smells like ball sweat.

Friday’s wine is fucking corked. 
Saturday’s wine makes you feel porked.

But Sunday’s wine you think is rare will
Prove a fake from Acker Merrall.


Mark Rader said...

There you go again, messing around with Reidel!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Who, me? Or as my hero always said, "What, Me Worry?"

This piece is just a trifle. I had the idea for weeks, and just finally wrote these stupid wine nursery rhymes to get rid of it, like mononucleosis. Once in a while, I just like to act stupid.

Charlie Olken said...

I rather liked this piece. It may have been simple on its surface, but it contains those wonderful nuggets of truth that make humor so effective. And one of the beauties of The Hosemaster is that he writes in many styles so that his common taters never tire of the funny truth or the voice(s).

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Puff Daddy,
Thanks. I think they're more like McNuggets of truth--cheap and mostly artificial. But it's fun to be Nipsey Russell for a day.

I do love to play with style and voice, and I've had fun with poetry lately, like the Lewis Carroll stuff I've parodied. So this was a way to just kill a Monday with silliness, for better or verse.

Thomas said...

McNuggets of truth to go with taters...not bad.

The verses are good too. I have a favorite, but am not sure which one it is.

voice of reason said...

great work Ron!

please do a round dozen of these and make a calendar?

if you do, I will buy DOZENS for my clients!

Ziggy said...

I'm still trying to settle down from "Butt people of Kardashia".
Now you pen this.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Yeah, I have favorite common taters, too, and don't know who. Or what.

Six were tough enough. I don't think I have another six in me. Though a HoseMaster of Wine™ calendar sounds cool. Maybe one where I take six months off.

Yup. It's what I do.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,

These are always some of my favorite posts you do. I think beyond the funny it shows what a brilliant writer you are. To capture another voice and make it hilarious is a talent very rare Love, and I cannot think of another person that does it better than you. I adored this piece Love.
I love you so!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
That's sweet. I always think of these sorts of pieces as throwaways, little party tricks, confections, not a real meal. So I'm glad you love them so much. Makes it all worth it.

I love you, too!

David said...

Hey Ron!

Lovely Poems - but let´s talk about the elephant in the blog.
Congratulations on your Ramos Pinto Online Communicator prize!
How are you going to celebrate? Roasting the committee?
Whatever you, you still deserve all the recognition in the world for making the wine world just a bit more humorous every week!


Ingo Grady said...

Delighted you won, but slightly perturbed about sharing the HoseMaster with an ever-growing circle of followers. Similar to my Riesling affliction: one the one hand I'd like the grape to be more fashionable, on the other I value being in on something the average wine lover isn't, e.g., "if you don't like Riesling then you're a fucking idiot". Here's to all the fucking idiots who don't appreciate the HoseMaster, leaving more of him for the rest of us! We all share in your success.
Long-time follower, 1st-time common tater.

Reddangel said...

Tim Atkin leaves his empty bottles outside my door for recyling. Very glad to hear your awards recognition. Stay good.

Unknown said...

I note Madeline referring to her new favourite cocktail; LBV on the rocks with lime. Give her an MW already.