HoseMaster of Wine™: The HoseMaster of Wine's™ Letter to Santa 2017

Friday, December 8, 2017

The HoseMaster of Wine's™ Letter to Santa 2017

Dear Santa,

This Christmas, I don’t want anything for myself. I have everything I need, Santa. A cellar filled with the great wines of the world, and Oregon wines, too. A Roederer International Wine Writers Award that I bought online from an “A. Jefford.” I’ve even grown and implanted my own replacement Biodynamic liver using the latest stem cell technology, mixed with the manure of a lactating cow. I feel born again, and, as a bonus, my new set of horns is great for opening beer bottles! I’m very content. Soon I’ll have my own cheese! I really enjoy the milking. No, not like Harvey Weinstein.

I still believe in Santa, like I still believe in aerators, Riedel Oregon Pinot Noir glasses, and en primeur Bordeaux. We live in an age where belief Trumps truth every day of the week. So I sat down and composed my annual letter to Santa on behalf of the wine business I love. Who else is going to do it if not I? To read the rest of this missal, toe the line and hop over to Tim Atkin's site. And feel free to leave your own wish list for Santa. I'll be sure that he reads each and every suggestion.

Merry Christmas, Common Taters!

TIM ATKIN MW

5 comments:

Paul in St. Augustine said...: I can now buy my Cora-Vin at Best Buy! Merry Christmas, Hose.; December 8, 2017 at 10:31 AM
Mike Dunne said...: Thanks for the present! "Stalking stuffers," just one of the many splendid ornaments you hung.; December 8, 2017 at 11:16 AM
Ron Washam, HMW said...: Paul,
Merry Christmas to you! I don't own a Coravin. I don't own any wine gadgets. I open 'em, and I drink 'em, and if I don't finish 'em, I drink 'em the next day. Call me a rebel.

Mike,
Merry Christmas, Mike! The HoseMaster's Letter to Santa is an old tradition around here. Plus, it means I don't have to think of a new premise. That's a gift! And, as you must know, there are way too many stalking stuffers in the wine business. And every business. Some guys can't keep their Coravins in their pants.; December 8, 2017 at 6:59 PM
Marcia Macomber said...: Ho! Ho! Ho! Hose! Up on the rooftop, Santa's wishing for a lot of new stuff. Fave line: "The whole wine world has gone to Hell, Santa, and you just sit there in your big red suit like some kind of low-rent Jean-Charles Boisset, exploiting those poor little elves like they’re Guest Workers from Mexico and you have fifty acres of Riesling to harvest before you call the immigration authorities."

Much appreciate the wish list to weed out some "old white men" in the biz. Actually, it's less weed 'em out as it is just let women do their jobs. But I digress... Merry Christmas!; December 10, 2017 at 9:13 PM
Ron Washam, HMW said...: Marcia Love,
Lovely to see you here! One of the senior common taters. Happy Holidays! Thanks for chiming in.

I like the ICEwine joke, but no one else did... 'Twas ever thus.; December 11, 2017 at 12:50 PM

Post a Comment

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"The HoseMaster is the funniest satirist writing about wine in the world today."

--Karen MacNeil

"But you're really good at what you do. You're not clumsy. You're as sharp and 'meta' as the Onion, as foul as the old National Lampoon at its well-remembered best, you make literary references that a smart guy makes. You're a nice slasher who always remembers to take out his recycling and waters his neighbor's plants--though they'd rather you didn't to it while they're having sex--and if you disembowel the occasional cat, well that cat was an asshole and everyone knew it."

--Terry Theise

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."

--Robert Parker

"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.

Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."

--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."

--JancisRobinson.com

"How do you introduce Ron Washam, the Hosemaster of Wine? Two things:

First: I’m not sure if there is anyone better at cutting through the confidence trick that is often intrinsic to the business of wine.

Second: in a world where offending people appears to border on the illegal, the Hosemaster piles in. No one is safe."

--Joss Fowler "Vinolent.com"

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

--Mike Dunne, Sacramento Bee

Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2014/01/21/6089630/dunne-on-wine-wine-blogs-and-bloggers.html#storylink=cpy

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."

--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."

--Reign of Terroir

"Robert (Joseph) was/is funny unlike HoseMaster who wasn't/isn't."

--Will Lyons (WSJ) on Twitter

"Hey Ron, let me ask you: is it true that you pick on girls and old critics because you don't think that they'll come back at you? Because if so, you lose: I'm on your ass now, asshole."

--Levi Dalton on Twitter

HoseMaster of Wine™

Friday, December 8, 2017

The HoseMaster of Wine's™ Letter to Santa 2017

5 comments:

Subscribe to the HoseMaster via Email

Believe It or Not

You Like Me, You Really Like Me!

About Me

Follow the HoseMaster

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

Subscribe to HoseMaster of Wine

Followers

Pinch Off Another Big Blog

Blog Archive

Compost Heap