Tom Wark, and his Warkaholics, recently banded together to form the American Wine Consumer Coalition. I think this is a great idea, though I can hardly wait for the National Wine Consumer Coalition to start so the two can play a Best of Seven World Series of Wine Consumer Coalitions. Don’t bet against the Washington Senators. Surprisingly, I wasn’t consulted during the formation of the AWCC. I certainly would have come up with a better acronym. Consumers Of Wine Seeking Honesty In Trade, that would work.
In Pennsylvania, you can only buy wine at state-run stores where the wines are selected by rhesus monkeys formerly used as lab animals. Though, oddly, their scores are remarkably similar to Wine & Spirits.
In Tennessee, you can only buy wine in a county where the Supervisors sign their names with an “X.”
In Massachusetts, you can’t buy wine on Carl Yastrzemski’s birthday.
In Florida, you can’t buy wine if you use a walker. Unless it has cutout tennis balls on its feet, then you can buy wine during Wimbledon.
In Texas, you can drink and drive, but only if the wine scored 90+. Wilfred Wong is a State Treasure.
- Lobby in the states and at the federal level for the rights of wine consumers, hopefully at a nice Morton’s with a big T-Bone and a bottle of Priorat.
- Educate wine regulators about the real interests of wine consumers, mainly drinking to forget and the relaxing of drunk driving laws. (MADD—now there’s an awesome acronym!)
- Inform the media of the interests of wine consumers—including the latest upskirt of Rihanna and Justin Bieber’s hairy monkey.
- Produce wine-related events for members just because there isn’t any goddam point to joining a wine coalition unless they have wine tastings where you can meet other wine consumers interested in promoting the wine rights of wine consumers while drinking Moscato Jell-O shots from naked Chinese contortionists.
- Educate members and nonmembers alike on the politics behind wine, by which we mean the Three-Tier System, the influence of big distributor money, and the anti-alcohol lobby and NOT the politics of misleading winery marketing.
- Support other organizations willing to advance the rights of wine consumers, like Larry’s Auto Body and the Organ Donation Association.
- Support members’ interest in wine with valuable benefits. We’ll think of something. How about free rides on the Sterling tram? Buy a copy of Wine Enthusiast, get another for 5¢--a 10¢ value! The outtake reel from “Somm”—amazing spit takes. OK, don’t worry, you’ll get your damn money’s worth.
- Give members discounts on real wine-related services, media and products. Like free blog subscriptions and great discounts on 2008 Mendocino Pinot Noir!