Consumers Of Wine Seeking Honesty In Trade--Join Today!

Tom Wark, and his Warkaholics, recently banded together to form the American Wine Consumer Coalition. I think this is a great idea, though I can hardly wait for the National Wine Consumer Coalition to start  so the two can play a Best of Seven World Series of Wine Consumer Coalitions. Don’t bet against the Washington Senators. Surprisingly, I wasn’t consulted during the formation of the AWCC. I certainly would have come up with a better acronym. Consumers Of Wine Seeking Honesty In Trade, that would work.

Yet it’s about time that someone stood up for the rights of wine consumers because, God knows, we’re done standing up for the rights of migrant workers, women and the mentally ill, all of whom make the wine business what it is. It’s the ordinary everyday wine consumer who needs looking after, who deserves to be able to buy what he wants, when he wants, however he wants, on whatever day he wants, whether he’s wearing underpants or not. (There are guerrilla tactics, but I recommend commando tactics.) We need a Voice for the American Wine Consumer, and who better than Tom Wark to be the ventriloquist to those dummies?

I haven’t joined the AWCC yet (again, sucky acronym—how about something perky like Drinkers Of Wine Need Equal Rights?). I’m waiting to see if there’s a discount if I buy twelve memberships, or if I join the Coalition of the Month Club. (The August selection of the Coalition of the Month Club is membership in the Stop Calling Every Fucking Wine “Food Wine” Coalition—a really worthy cause. Though, again, acronyms, people, acronyms!) I plan to join soon, but I’m waiting to see if they actually address the needs of American Wine Consumers.

To begin with, how about getting rid of the countless ridiculous laws regarding the sale of alcohol? Here are a few for starters:

In Alabama, it’s illegal to sell wine at a hanging.

In Pennsylvania, you can only buy wine at state-run stores where the wines are selected by rhesus monkeys formerly used as lab animals. Though, oddly, their scores are remarkably similar to Wine & Spirits.

In Tennessee, you can only buy wine in a county where the Supervisors sign their names with an “X.”

In Massachusetts, you can’t buy wine on Carl Yastrzemski’s birthday.

In Florida, you can’t buy wine if you use a walker. Unless it has cutout tennis balls on its feet, then you can buy wine during Wimbledon.

In Texas, you can drink and drive, but only if the wine scored 90+. Wilfred Wong is a State Treasure.

When these, and many other, laws were enacted, consumers were left out of the legislative process. They didn’t have a seat at the table. Hell, there wasn’t even a sommelier available at the table. And the house wine sucked. It’s time for that to change, and I believe the AWCC can be a force for good. (Again, such a worthless acronym. What’s wrong with Brotherhood of Lovers Of Wine for Justice Over Big Business? That’s a mouthful.) Here’s what I hope the AWCC will set out to accomplish:

•     Lobby in the states and at the federal level for the rights of wine consumers, hopefully at a nice Morton’s with a big T-Bone and a bottle of Priorat.
•      Educate wine regulators about the real interests of wine consumers, mainly drinking to forget and the relaxing of drunk driving laws. (MADD—now there’s an awesome acronym!)
•      Inform the media of the interests of wine consumers—including the latest upskirt of Rihanna and Justin Bieber’s hairy monkey.
•      Produce wine-related events for members just because there isn’t any goddam point to joining a wine coalition unless they have wine tastings where you can meet other wine consumers interested in promoting the wine rights of wine consumers while drinking Moscato Jell-O shots from naked Chinese contortionists.
•      Educate members and nonmembers alike on the politics behind wine, by which we mean the Three-Tier System, the influence of big distributor money, and the anti-alcohol lobby and NOT the politics of misleading winery marketing.
•      Support other organizations willing to advance the rights of wine consumers, like Larry’s Auto Body and the Organ Donation Association.
•      Support members’ interest in wine with valuable benefits. We’ll think of something. How about free rides on the Sterling tram? Buy a copy of Wine Enthusiast, get another for 5¢--a 10¢ value! The outtake reel from “Somm”—amazing spit takes. OK, don’t worry, you’ll get your damn money’s worth.
•     Give members discounts on real wine-related services, media and products. Like free blog subscriptions and great discounts on 2008 Mendocino Pinot Noir!

Tom Wark has worked long and hard on this, and he has the credentials and knowledge to make it worthwhile. All HoseMaster foolishness aside, consider joining. It’s worth the money, and it may just work. Here’s where to sign up:

AMERICAN WINE CONSUMERS COALITION

Tell ‘em the HoseMaster of Wine™ sent you. See what that gets you.