Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Fungi Americans

It's time once again for my collection of wine wisdom culled from countless wine blogs. I learn so much as I surf the Net reading all the many and wise bloggers. Much of this will seem trivial, perhaps useless, but, in fact, much of what is really interesting about wine is trivial. Of course, in a real sense, everything about wine is trivial. What passes for debate on wine blogs is truly just the mindless yammering of asylum inmates convinced that their delusions are reality and that convincing others of that is paramount. In fact, if you read the comments section of blogs in the voice of, say, Shepard Smith, or some other professional psychopath, they actually start to make sense in a pathetic way. And it's a fun party game! Not my stable of commentators, of course, I'm talking about other blogs. If I have any commentators left. Anyhow, more wine wisdom from the blogosphere.

Not every wine region in France is subject to Appellation laws. In a few places you are required to marry your sister or first cousin as designated by the Appalachian rules. This is true in Burgundy.

In Italy, winemakers often determine if grapes are ready to be harvested by throwing them against the wall to see if they stick.

Native yeast prefer to be known as Fungi Americans.

Pinot Noir is distantly related to Liberace.

Many traditional French fishermen age their catch in expensive barrels but have to be careful they don't get a rash from the poisson oak. When finished the barrels are then sold to Sterling.

The most difficult part of the M.S. exam is the obstacle course. Most candidates are unable to climb Larry Stone Right without pitons.

Taste is 70% smell, 30% body odor.

Organic vineyards are allowed to use tiny roach motels for phylloxera.

The person who makes wine is a vintner, the person who makes barrels is a cooper, the person who makes numbers up about wine is an idiot.

"Chateauneuf-du-Pape" means "new home of David Ortiz."

Sancerre is a highly effective douche. Pouilly-Fume is great for destroying ant nests.

Walla Walla is best known for beriberi, tsetse flies and Russ Meyer starlets. Walla Walla is Native American for "Nice gazongas." Left, natives of Walla Walls

Much like the brandy for Port, all Oregon Pinot Noir is the same and is aged for a year in the Spruce Goose.

Wines that are unfiltered are a greater risk for cancer.

Scientists have proven that grapes can feel pain, especially when planted in the Malibu mountains.

In the 1855 Classification of Bordeaux there were actually Eight Growths, but two Growths were surgically removed and the other turned out just to be gas. Chateau Pavie is that Eighth Growth.

Robert Parker is still dead, but is planning a new book on the wines of Purgatory. They're a lot like Madeira.

All the Champagne bottles aging in caves in France laid end to end would nearly encircle Marvin Shanken.


Anonymous said...

I've noticed many single malt Scotch whiskies claim to be aged in old wine barrels. Perhaps you might make a notation of which wines are matured in old whisky cooperage?
What is it that's so special about wines bottled in blue-colored glass, anyway?
If your dear, precious and lovely Samantha is "sans dosage," why do you find her so sweet? Is it, perhaps, you're simply a "Brut"? (Parenthetically, I find her to be rather charming, despite her feisty attitude.)
What's all the fuss about "Orange" wine? Are there now vineyards in Florida?
Alice and her Feiring Squad are making a lot of noise about "natural" wines. Why do so many of these taste un-natural?
Why are there so many blogs about wine? Some of them seem to be about as interesting as Arnie Applebaum's World of Crutch Tips web blog or Eddie Eppelstein's Amazing Collection of Vintage Paper Clips.
Now I know why Robert Parker is a hell of a writer. Thanks for shedding light on that hot topic.

Samantha Dugan said...

Who you callin' charming nameless one?!

vickibarkley said...

There's some wisdom here, yes indeed.

Charlie Olken said...

Gee Ron, I don't know who is more attractive in the pix above--you masquerading as Larry Stone or the three dancing virgins of the Napa Valley.

On second thought, I do know.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Anon 1,

When you use parentheses you don't really need to start with "Parenthetically." That's repetitiously redundant.

Wines bottled in blue are for cleaning toilets.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Don't mind him, he's just jealous of us. Who isn't?

Vicki Darling,

There's wisdom here? Oops, my mistake. I'll try to keep it out next time.

Anonymous said...

(( Thanks, Ron. ))

<< Samantha: That would be you. >>

{{ Mr. O, Ron is much taller than Larry of the Family Stone. }}


Arthur said...

Was ther text here accomanying the photo of lovely maidens?

Anonymous said...

Liberace---Dead or Alive-If alive-- how about a new Christmas Album--If dead--he looks great--Keep up the good work Ron-----Bill Melater,Pasadena