Sex with Oven Mitts

The number of articles and studies done on wine and health is astronomical. I've always sort of wondered about this fascination for proving that wine benefits us. We know that it doesn't. We know that we drink too much and then graciously act as case studies for crash test dummies. We know that it harms our kidneys and livers and makes us sleep with people we'd otherwise touch only with oven mitts. We know that it kills millions of brain cells, and, worse, as a corollary, creates hundreds of wine blogs. Yet, being human, we insist that it's good for us. In moderation, as though anyone practices moderation. Moderation is like birth control--it's for other people. People who don't want to be on "Maury." We rig endless clinical studies so that the results say wine is good for us. We know the studies are bogus, but we believe them anyway. Like we believe wine publications that accept advertising are objective. Like we believe wineries when they say they don't filter. Like we believe "organic" on Safeway produce.

But the studies about drinking wine continue. Here are some of the latest findings.


In a recent study, drinking wine was shown to eliminate halitosis. An astute observer noticed that Alder Yarrow had the freshest breath despite unmitigated and frequent buttkissing. This lead to the study. A similar study concluded that wine not only relieved halitosis, it also removed women's mustaches. That study was done on walruses.


When fed a steady stream of expensive Napa Valley Cabernets, mice overestimated the size of their penises by a factor of three. Mice fed Shenandoah Vally Zinfandel started a boys choir.


In a test done on Rhesus monkeys it was discovered that the primates fell into two categories according to the amount of wine consumed. The monkeys who drank less wine were more likely to be aggressive and warlike. The monkeys who drank steadily and moderately were more likely to be the Rhesus Peaces.


People who consumed moderate to heavy amounts of wine were shown to be far more immune to Swine Flu even though they slept with far more pigs. Many became Swine Connoisseurs.


A large and comprehensive study showed that people who drank a lot of wine on a daily basis usually died peacefully in their sleep. Not like the other people in the car.


Another study showed that there is a significant correlation between moderate consumption of wine and the belief in ones ability to speak foreign languages. After three glasses of wine white people often believe they can speak Ebonics.


Moderate consumption of wine has been shown to lower your risk of catching fly balls. This is good news for the flies.


Oh, I could go on. But, really, all this academic hooey trying to prove wine is part of a healthy lifestyle is stupid and basically wrong. Drinking wine doesn't improve your health, it improves your attitude about your health. Just look at the people you know who drink a lot of wine, who drink if for a living or as a hobby, they're all sallow, bloodshot-eyed, out of shape people several teeth short of a full grimace. This is the picture of health? Who cares? Not one of us drinks wine for his health, not one of us. We drink it because it tastes good, and because it gets us drunk. Saying you drink wine as part of a healthy lifestyle is like saying you read Playboy for the interviews. Like saying you had a vasectomy to lose a little weight. Like saying you eat panty shields for the fiber.


Wineries, the wine industry, promote wine drinking as part of a healthy diet. Oh brother, who buys that crap? Didn't they used to sell cigarettes the same way? Look where that got the tobacco companies. Beer gets it right. It's fun to get drunk! Gorgeous babes are drawn to drinkers. Drinking is democratic--anyone can do it and look stupid. Time for wineries to get on that bandwagon.