Friday, August 14, 2009

Join the HoseMaster of Wine Club Today!

Announcing the HoseMaster of Wine Club
TM! Yes, now you can drink the best wines available at just dollars above their actual value! Don't be fooled by all the other wine clubs! They're scams, disingenuous schemes to rob you of your valuable drinking dollars. Just look at who's started wine clubs, why would you trust these yahoos?

Sunset Magazine Wine Club--The people who believe in-depth reporting is all of two paragraphs written in sixth grade English want to sell you wine! Every month receive two bottles of wine about as challenging as a pregnancy test. Hand-selected, because their feet are covered with manure. Who the hell buys wine on Sunset's recommendation? Your grandmother?

KQED Wine Club--OK, fine, it's good to support public television. I can't get enough of Wayne Dyer's recycled Tao bullshit (I don't really have the TaoJones), I can't stop watching Broadway show tunes and singing along, I can't wait for Ken Burns' next documentary about the great American tradition "Bowling with Midgets," but I sure as hell don't want PBS picking my wines for me. Of course, it's not like they do it themselves--they hire a company to do it. And since everyone along the chain has to make a profit, well, those bargain wines, those wines wineries are willing to unload for a song to the KQED Wine Club knowing they'll be sold for their full retail price, by the time you get them, well, they're full price! Act now and you'll get a book autographed by Deepak Chopra's assistant--the same ones on the bargain table at your local Barnes and Noble!

The Wall Street Journal Wine Club--From the people who brought you amateurs reviewing wines to go along with their amateur movie reviewers and professional stock market mystics, a wine club! And why wouldn't you buy wine recommended by the WSJ? Sure, you've a perfectly competent wine shop nearby with an owner who's spent his life learning about wine, but that's nothing compared to UPS dropping off a box at your house with the WSJ return address, is it?! A box filled with wines all the titans of industry would be proud to serve at their next angry stockholder meeting when announcing their million dollar bonuses. And is there a better pair of guides to wine than Gaiter and Brecher, the lovely couple who manage to write a weekly wine column loaded with residual sugar? But you can be sure when it comes to Open That Special Bottle Night they aren't referring to your recent WSJ Wine Club wines.

The New York Times Wine Club--Oh, this ought to be good. Now, in a desperate move to try to actually make some money, because, now pay attention Bloggers, even the New York Times can't make a profit from their online product (monetize that, dimbulbs), the venerable newspaper is about to start a wine club. One of the great newspapers of the world has to resort to marketing fire sale wines at nice profit margins in order to pay for their journalistic efforts. What's wrong with this picture? We expect everything except porn online to be free--it's our God-given right, we're paying Comcast for DSL, that's plenty to pay for the Internet--but we are willing to pay for the right to drink mediocre wines chosen by a panel driven mostly by profit and only occasionally by quality. We can't expect free wine, after all! Well, not unless we're Bloggers and we're the next channel for wineries to sell wine! Then we deserve it. And if the New York Times can't make a profit, tough. Who needs them? We've got Sean Hannity to tell us all the news that fit to distort.

So why join any of those stupid wine clubs when you can join the HoseMaster of Wine ClubTM? I personally select the finest wines, negotiate discount prices from suppliers, then resell them to you at fantastically exaggerated prices! And I include detailed tasting notes, exciting recipes culled from Sunset magazine, and tons and tons of throwaway advertising in every shipment! So what are you waiting for? Operators are standing by! Call toll-free! 1-877-SUCKERS!

If I were you I wouldn't actually dial that number...


Samantha Dugan said...

I'll join yours if you join mine....

Arthur said...

I'll pass. I need my money for 1-877-SUCKERS

el jefe said...

I got 300 cases of Amador Zin I won in a poker game. We could name it after a naughty pope or something. It'll be brilliant. Call me.