Friday, November 27, 2009

The HoseMaster Presents

Christmas Gifts For Wine Lovers

Once Thanksgiving has passed, along with the meal, many people are faced with the annual question, "What do I buy the wine lover in my life for Christmas?" Here is my list of gifts every wine lover would be thrilled to receive this holiday season.

The Riedel "Clueless" Glass

Riedel's stemless wine glasses, the "O" Series, were a big hit among wine cognoscenti. This year Riedel is introducing its newest line of wine glasses, the "Clueless." These wine glasses are designed specifically for people who are "Clueless" about wine. Each set of four glasses comes with a glossy brochure that is filled with factually incorrect information regarding how the "Clueless" glasses can improve the experience of drinking fine wine. "Clueless" wine geeks will quickly be sucked in to the wonders of wine glass "science." Little known "facts" will be absorbed hook, line and sinker.

"Did you know there is a nose map?! Riedel 'Clueless' glasses funnel your fine wine's aroma to just the right set of nose hairs for maximum nasal stimulation--your nose has never been so accurately picked!"

Soon the wine lover on your list will be unable to enjoy his bottle of Marcassin Chardonnay unless it's served in the "Clueless" Sniffin' a Fruit Cocktail Chardonnay tumbler. He just won't be able to enjoy a glass of Colgin Syrah unless that precious nectar comes in a "Clueless" Ten Dollars an Ounce For Napa Valley Jagermeister balloon glass. When it comes to gifts for the Clueless, no one outdoes Riedel!

BevMo's Not Worth Five Cents Wine Club

This Christmas give the wine lover in your life the gift that keeps on taking-- membership in the BevMo "Not Worth Five Cents" Wine Club. From the folks that bring you the wine business' biggest scam, the BevMo Five Cent Sale, BevMo's wine club is the monthly way to discover the various ways large wine retailers can pawn off mediocre wine as "Big Savings!" Each month your loved one will receive two bottles of wine specially chosen by BevMo's large staff of ill-informed employees. One month it might be two bottles of wine from an importer going-out-of-business liquidation sale! Who knew the market for organically farmed Sforzat would dry up? Well, the raisin business' loss is your gain! The next month it might be repackaged bulk wine with a really cute animal label on it, or maybe a hilarious pun! "Vasectomy! Your Pinot Shooting Blanc," or a bottle of white wine with a photo of Billy Bob Thornton on the label, "Rieslingblade." It's two dollar wine, and you only pay another eight bucks for the cute label! Or maybe it's a really famous winery being delivered to your loved one's door by the club, only the appellation listed on the bottle is slightly suspect. Beaulieu Vineyards 2006 Cabernet Sauvignon "BevMo Reserve" can only be fantastic! You'll just have to ignore the tiniest print legally allowable that states the appellation is "Yucca Valley." This is a gift your wine loving friends will never forget, or forgive. All the convenience of BevMo's misleading wine sales in the comfort of your own home.

The Portable 100 Point Scale

There is nothing more embarrassing than being a wine expert and having someone approach you
and ask you what score a wine received and you just don't know! It's humiliating. How in the world can you talk intelligently about a wine if you don't even know where it falls on the 100 point scale? You wouldn't talk about a book you'd read if you hadn't read the "Cliff Notes" first! And you call yourself an expert! Now, thanks to research done by our friends at all the major wine publications (not major publications that are about wine--those don't exist), you'll never be stuck in that embarrassing situation again. Just put the bottle of wine in question into the specially constructed 100 point scale and PRESTO the number appears! Just like it appears in the minds of famous wine critics--by magic! And the Portable 100 Point Scale comes with the same guarantee the scales in Wine Spectator, Wine Enthusiast, yes, EVEN Wine Advocate come with--absolutely none! But the 100 Point Scale should not be used by just anyone--in the wrong hands this powerful weapon can be extremely dangerous to ones long-term mental health.

The Food and Wine Pairing Machine

Wine lovers spend senseless amounts of time wondering what wine to pair with food, and even more wasted hours arguing about it. What do I drink with fresh oysters? Champagne? Muscadet? Lemon Pledge? Hours and hours of their, OK, not-so-precious, lives wasted in the fruitless pursuit of the "perfect" food and wine combination. Well, now those hours and hours can
be put to more productive use, perhaps reading pointless wine blogs, because the Food and Wine Pairing Machine takes all the guesswork out of it. It works either of two ways. Pour an ounce or two of the wine you're agonizing over into the Machine and, after a few moments, the exact dish that will perfectly complement the wine is described! How does it work? Inside the machine is a small laboratory that breaks the wine down into its chemical components, those components are quickly analyzed, and then the computer inside searches its comprehensive files of every recipe ever published in Gourmet, Saveur, and Lancet for the right dish! Or, and this may be easier for folks with a large wine cellar, just prepare your meal, insert just a small bite-size portion into the Food and Wine Pairing Machine, and the machine quickly tells you what wine will best accompany your gourmet meal! Imagine the fun you'll have putting a hot dog into the Food and Wine Pairing Machine (Silver Oak, it spits out!), or maybe just a little treat from the litter bag your dog filled while you were out for a walk (Paso Robles Pinot Noir!). Why it's practical, and fun!


Charlie Olken said...

I am shocked, shocked I tell you, by the contents of this blog.

You have absolutely misunderstood the very products you are maligning.

For example, the Clueless Glass was actually designed for those clueless folks who have no idea how to hold a wine glass by the stem. This glass comes with built in finger grips. Just as Schwinn revolutioned hand grips on bicycles with those things, so too has Riedel done the same for all those clueless individuals who have never figured out how to hold a wine glass.

When I have one of those folks in my house, up to now, I have had to resort to jelly jars, but now I have a glass that is named for them and is used by them. Bully for Riedel for understanding that even mediocre wine drinkers need a glass.

The Yucca Valley--Isn't that near Melbourne or is it Phoenix? I know it is one of those places that is so hot, you can pick your raisins in June and soak them in your swimming pool to reconstitute them as wine grapes. The formula is not all that new. Just add water and ferment--the instructions are right there on the side of each raisin. And no, the Yucca Valley is not one of the sixteen separate sub-AVAs of Lodi.

BevMO? Oh well, you were bound to get one right sooner or later.

The Portable 100-point scale is a real problem. I hate you for promoting it. What will I do for a living if every Tom, Dick and Schmoe can assign 100 points to wines. Crap, I might actually have to work for a living if that were the case.

And you really missed the mark on the Food and Wine Pairing Machine. I happen to know for a fact that she is alive and well and living in the Napa Valley. I think she is an MS.

Samantha Dugan said...

Awesome, a wishlist! Now I can get rid of that photo I had taken, the one of me having Chateau Rayas being poured on my skin...I'll just get you the Portable 100 Point Scale.

Marcia Macomber said...

What fabulous holiday wine gift ideas! And yet, I see you've missed one I just found (that stopped me dead in my keyboard tracks): SWILL® Wine Tasting Party Kit and Wine Club Starter Kit.

A couple of lines from the product description: Start your Holiday celebration early. Whether it's by the fireplace, on the patio or under the mistletoe--a wine tasting party is a great way to entertain. Make GREAT gifts! This kit was designed by party planning and marketing professionals based on the original, SWILL® wine tasting club. SWILLparty will never let you host a boring party ever again!

What next?