Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Poll Dancing

My first HoseMaster of Wine survey results are in. Not that anyone cares. To be honest, I only conducted the survey to see how many people would respond, hoping that there would be an avalanche of responders. There were 30 folks who were kind enough to fill out the survey. Hardly an avalanche. More like the wine blog world unleashing a loud, collective yawn. I had optimistically hoped for 50 responses, and I might have achieved that goal if I'd left the survey up until all of our troops are out of Afghanistan. It's becoming clear that the only thing more solitary than wine blogging is being the member of the Jenna Elfman Fan Club.

And, yet, here I am, Day 7 of my struggle with Wine Blog Addiction, still losing the battle.

Both of you may be interested in the results of the survey. The results aren't too enlightening, but, then, the questions were stupid to begin with. Therefore, the results have the same amount of validity as the most recent NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, the Nielsen ratings, Wine Competition results, voting for the NBA Most Valuable Player, and penis enhancement.

The first question asked why folks bother to read this crap. The #1 answer (why do I feel like Richard Dawson all of a sudden--oh, I know, I'm also spectacularly untalented) was, "I like a cheap laugh at others expense." Fourteen folks chose that, nearly half. Well, there is plenty of cheap involved with reading a blog, but laughs? I thought I was the only person who thought I was funny. But it's nice to know others enjoy cheap putdowns and egregious insults.

Question #2 wanted to know what people wanted to see more of on HoseMaster of Wine. Thirteen responders said "Insulting other wine bloggers." I'm sensing a trend here. But it just edged out the nine people who said, "Free Internet Porn." I'm working on both. And I may even start insulting free Internet porn. At any rate, I'm shocked, shocked I tell you, to hear that people enjoy the degradation of wine bloggers. We do this to be admired, to be praised, to get free samples, to impress ourselves with our own erudition, and you folks want us to be insulted. You're right.

The third question asked you to rate how funny my stupid blog is. A whopping fifteen of you responded, "I often spontaneously urinate when reading it." Seven said they laugh, but at me, not with me. I'd like the fifteen to aim at the seven.

The fourth question asked folks what other blogs they read beside this micturating mess. Folks could choose more than one. Tom Wark's Fermentation squeaked by Steve Heimoff, 16-15. And speaking of micturating, The Pour was third with 13 readers, and paid $2.60, followed by Dr. Vino (Christ!) with 11. My Gorgeous Samantha was fifth, which seems appropriate, I'd share a fifth with her any time, with nine votes. Vinography just edged out "Any Jerk with a Keyboard," though that was a test because they're the same! Tied with Vinography was Wine Sooth and 1WineDude. What does it say about the wine blog reading community that they love Fermentation and Heimoff? Sleeping pills don't work? No, I suspect it is basically about frequency. Quantity. They change content more often than my readers change their Depends.

The fifth question confirmed that "The M.S. Conspiracy," as stupid a piece of writing as exists, is by far the most popular regular feature of HoseMaster. This is scary. Well, it basically confirms that folks are here for the jokes and not the opinions or satire. That's OK, I actually like writing "The M.S. Conspiracy," and have no idea where it's going. I can't wait to find out myself. What is the conspiracy? Who is the midget and why is he following everyone? When will the first sex scene rear its ugly head? Why do I bother to write anything else? Why does Samantha put up with me? So many questions, so little relevance. I need to answer the burning questions of the day in the wine world more often. Burning questions like Wark and Heimoff answer every day. Burning questions like why it burns when I micturate while reading HoseMaster of Wine.

Most of my readers, question six revealed, are between 36 and 50 years old, with a number "older than fuck." Only three readers were younger than 35. So now I don't feel so bad about obscure Richard Dawson references.

Question #7 asked which people in the wine business folks would most like to meet. I scored a win in that category with a whopping eight! Eight people want to meet me out of the thirty that answered. I suspect those eight have already met me and are just fooling around. I edged out Charlie Olken, who finished second with five votes. My feeling is my eight people want to meet me in order to do me harm, while Charlie's five just want to see if he's a real person or inflatable. We both barely beat out Shane Victorino and Rita Moreno. Not one person wanted to meet Robert Parker, which makes sense, since, as I keep saying, he's dead.

The results of the eighth question surprised me. I wondered if people had purchased wine because of a wine blog recommendation. I expected that the results would show that no one buys wine because of a wine blogger, but, surprisingly, seven people checked, "Yes, like an asshole." Yikes. One can only hope it wasn't my recommendations.

Twenty-four people, out of thirty, answered question nine, which asked why the responders didn't post comments on HoseMaster of Wine. My assumption is the other six are the usual suspects here, Samantha, Puff Daddy, Arthur, Anonymous 1... Most of the 24 said, "What is there to say?" As any blogger will tell you, the real reward of blogging comes in the form of Comments, the give and take of voices you like, voices you don't, strangers, friends, newcomers. The sound of my own voice wears me out. Yeah, I know, join the club.

The final question asked people to tell me their honest opinion of HoseMaster of Wine. This, of course, was the most fun for me. One person said "I am in love with you." Gosh, (blush), thanks Mr. Balzer. Several folks said they missed the nudie cuties. Yeah, me too. I had a lot of quick answers like "funny shit," and "smart(ass)," and "love it." Here's one I'm not sure I totally understand:

"My 5th grade middle school principal told me that if more than 7 people agree with you, you're probably wrong. If you get too many positive responses, I'll have to move on to Dr Vino's snarky insights with "wine talk that goes down easy." Its hard to believe there is another blog out there that mixes edgy immorality and wine ala the HoseMaster himself! Sorry dude, looks like this kind of blog is a dime a dozen."

Of course, no one would have bothered to take the survey if they didn't like HoseMaster of Wine in the first place, so positive reviews were kind of expected. But I think my favorite line was, "I think it's funny but sometimes you go overboard."



Samantha Dugan said...

You and I, we are gonna need a magnum. And Mr. Balzer better back off my blog squeeze, I'm not above taking a swipe at an old dude.

Charlie Olken said...

I would have received six votes for the person people would most like to meet if I could have voted for myself twice. But I do want to thank my mother, my wife, my two grandaughters and the cat for voting for me.

I think I voted for Anon 1 because I am certain I know who that is. Only one person in this world would refer to me as Mr. Olken, sir.

Anonymous said...

I think I heard on National Public Radio this afternoon a report indicating the Iraqi government is demanding a recount on this survey, because apparently the ballot box was stuffed by internet insurgents.

Meanwhile, I nearly wet myself when reading the results of this polling, especially when I got to the results of Question Number Three.

Hard to believe Mister Olken would vote to meet me! That would cause all sorts of micturation, since Puff Daddy prefers California wines. Apparently he's not big on "You're a peein'" bottlings.

I can't believe Robert Lawrence Balzer responded to your survey since he's usually busy tasting wine with Nathan Chroman, Robert Blumberg, Hurst Hannum and Jerry Mead.

May I pose this question, please? Since when is "5th Grade" viewed as "middle school"? The individual who left the nasty comment about the uniqueness of the Hosemaster of Wine blog probably has difficulty differentiating between Two-Buck Chuck and Sir Charlie Olken, Californa Syrah and Robitussin, Samantha Dugan and Laila Ali, Fume Blanc and Sauvignon Blanc.


Samantha Dugan said...

I went back and forth between you and the HoseMaster, I have already met Anon 1...(I feel so behind the curtain) but seeing as HoseMaster and I are all in love and junk I figured I had better meet him some day. So you have met the HoseMaster, I know who Anon 1 is...maybe you and I should meet, then you would be the only one that knows all of us! I'm just wondering how Rita Moreno got billing before me, humpf.

Mr. Olken, Sir said...


I was just kidding. I would never prefer Anon I over you. He's a nice guy and all, and unless I am wrong, he is a friend and occasional member of our tasting panel.

So, let's forget those other folks and get together. The Hosemaster can't have you all to himself. He's quite old, by the way, relative to you.

As for my age, anything he has told you is lie.

Samantha Dugan said...

Mr. Olken Sir,
Let's do it, wonder if that would make our HoseMaster jealous? Too bad about your age though, I have a thing for older men...always wanted to be able to stop a man's heart, with an older guy I have a better chance.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Puff Daddy,

I didn't say anything to Samantha about your age. But I did relate your story about how it was you who advised Agoston Haraszthy to plant Zinfandel in Sonoma County.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

You know I'm not the jealous type. You have far too many fans fighting over you as it is, but that's what happens when you're the Blonde Bombshell of Blogging.

I adore you!