Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My Old Addiction

I have a confession to make. This won't be easy for me. But it's time I do something about my addiction. No, not that one. I'm not giving up my membership in the Panty of the Month Club. Not when I've finally made it to the Bob Hope level! Thongs for the Memories. No, I have a much worse addiction. And, so, inspired by my friend Tom Wark's struggles with smoking at Fermentation, I have decided once and for all to try to come to terms with my horrific and crippling addiction, an addiction that has turned my waking hours into a living Hell, an addiction that has consumed me, ruined my life. And perhaps talking about my sickening addiction will help others out there begin to confront their own demons, help them stop before it's too late, before their lives are as empty and wasted as mine has become. I don't know if I can succeed, if I can put my life back together, return to the happy life I once had before this catastrophic addiction, but I have to try. I just can't take it any more. It's driving me to an early grave.

I'm talking about my addiction to wine blogging.

Wow. It felt good to admit to it, this ugly secret I've been hiding. Like the vast majority of wine bloggers, I work in secret. Very few people know of my desperate plight, so few people witness the horror that is my wine blogging. Sitting at my computer late at night, alone, typing words and sentences that no one will ever read, no one but other wine blogging addicts, those other lost souls who feel the pathetic and relentless urge to spout their mindless opinions about wine as though someone, anyone, will listen or care. And, glory Hallelujah, maybe even Comment! It is a cavalcade of the hopeless.

I know what you other wine bloggers are thinking, what your delusional mind is telling you to believe. That it's just the HoseMaster's problem, it's not mine. He has a problem with wine blogging, that's obvious, hell, the asshole relentlessly rambles on and on with stupid opinions about wine, the 100 point scale, the wine business, Robert Parker (still dead), and Jancis Robinson's pouty breasts, but I'm nothing like him. Wake up, Mutants! Read the following symptoms of wine blogging addiction and see if you fit the descriptions.

Symptoms of Third Stage Wine Blogging Addiction

I've begun to fall back on topics that are hackneyed and utterly devoid of originality in order to post five days a week.

The need, the craving, to wine blog often leads to this kind of behavior. See Steve Heimoff's latest post about Chardonnay. Read it and see if your reaction isn't the only possible reaction, "Duh!" Steve! Get Help! This kind of crap does not bode well for your mental health.

I check my blog's hit counter twenty times a day hoping it will move past eight.

No one is reading your brilliance. No one. There are freaks out there who stumble across your wine blog because they've done a Google Search for "girls who spit," but, other than that, you have no followers. You imagine you do, you fantasize about long responses to the comments you're sure are going to come from admirers of your palate and wine acuity, but they don't exist. I'm talking to you Brix Chicks. No one reads you. You might as well be the ads on buses.

I spend hours every day posting comments on more successful wine blogs trying to capture more hits.

You know who you are, you find a way to comment on Fermentation, The Pour, Heimoff, all the top 10 blogs, even though your comments are nearly as stupid and unfathomable as the blog you write, hoping their readers will click on your link out of boredom. You heard me 1WineDude, get help! And you, Dylan, whatever your blog is, man, let it go, stop before it's too late, your name on a comment is the wine blog equivalent of Quaaludes, but with greater laxative effects.

I spend hours and hours writing tasting notes even though I've cribbed most of the descriptors from winery websites because I don't really have any experience with wine, but, hey, I'm entitled to my opinions and wineries should send me free samples.

The laboring over tasting notes is a sure sign of the wine blogging addiction. It is the equivalent of other emotional disorders and bizarre delusions like collecting gigantic balls of twine, or building replicas of venereal disease sufferers out of toothpicks, or liking cats. There are wine bloggers in this category too numerous to mention. Folks trying too hard, locked inside their horrible wine blog addiction, dedicated to their delusions. Which wine is best with what music. Might be interesting if it weren't so pathetic. And then there's the abomination known as Wine Blogging Wednesday--the monthly meeting of Wine Blog Abusers. It's like watching the Napa Valley Wine Train derail--funny, at first, until you think of the waste of life it entails. All of those who participate in Wine Blogging Wednesday need professional help. Say, an English grammar tutor. And the saddest case of all, the addicted Wine Blogger whose every post is an obvious cry for help, the 10 point scalemeister himself, Alder Yarrow of Vinography. A life wasted.

It's too late for Alder. I'm just praying it's not too late for me.


Steve said...

Man, you are one mean bastard. I like it, but wow...

Marcia Macomber said...


Go ahead! Scare off your “You know who you are”-HoseMaster-of-Wine-Irregulars! No wonder no one has posted a comment! (Wednesdays are the weekly meeting days for Wine Bloggers Anonymous, right?)

And what about those of us afflicted with the co-dependent addiction: Wine Blog Reading Compulsion? This disease can be equally destructive to one’s life. Symptoms include excessive clicking from one blogger’s links to the next; repetitive checking of RSS feeds for new posts; ignoring family and co-worker pleas to stop reading by only the bluish glare of the monitor; and giving actual consideration to some kook’s crazy idea about instigating a million point scale! It’s sheer insanity.

How do we overcome this addiction, we, enablers? Twelve steps at Wine Blog-Anon meetings? It is a crippling and hellish compulsion. Is it too late for us, too?

Off to WBRC-Rehab,

P.S. I’ve been waiting for the installation of your rimshot widget. I believe it goes… “I'm not giving up my membership in the Panty of the Month Club. Not when I've finally made it to the Bob Hope level! Thongs for the Memories.” …here.

Samantha Dugan said... thinks I see a new Hate Mail segment coming. I am sitting here licking my wounds but I will confess to having 1, 2 and a little 3, I get paid for #4, kind of makes me a tasting notes prostitute, but not a slut. Stings a bit but I have to say, I adore it when you use your teeth.

Charlie Olken said...

Ten topics guaranteed to raise the comments count--

1. Robert Parker has destroyed wine
2. Robert Parker has destroeyd wine
3. Robert Parker's 100-point system has destroyed wine
4. The three-tier system is the biggest government run disgrace since the Tea Pot Dome scandal
5. Anything but Chardonnay
6. All Napa Valley Cabernets taste like Coca-Cola
7. Robert Parker is an old man whose ability to taste is dying before our very eyes
8. Rush Limbaugh Is A Big, Fat Liar (oops, that was meant for a different blog)
9. The blogosphere is the biggest collective bag of hot air since Rush Limabaugh (oh, crap, there I go again)
10. Anthony Dias Blue is actually Robert Parker's father

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Hey Steve,

I thought I toned it down quite a bit. You should have seen the first draft.

Marcia Love,

I'm sure that after reading a lot of other wine blogs you need to read mine as an antidote, otherwise you are sure to suffer irreversible brain damage.

And, also, Love, never use "rimshot" and "panty" in the same remark.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Wine blogging is a horrible addiction, as you know. I try and try to quit, but I just can't. And it's mostly your fault. Where else would we meet? I'm just as hooked on you.

I adore you

Puff Daddy,

What I need are posts that will discourage comments. Though I'm pretty good at coming up with those myself. So far, in my survey, the reason most people don't comment is "What is there to say?" I've always said the First Amendment is highly overrated.

Anthony Dias Blue is not Parker's father, by the way. Parker is actually Rosemary's Baby. Andy Blue is Laube's dad.

Wine Harlots said...

Guilty as charged, your honor!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Wine Harlots,

Did you both plead guilty, or just one of you? And, really, is that the best name for your blog you could come up with?

But, yes, I looked at your blog, and you two have a serious wine blogging addiction. Get Help!

And please come by more often and comment.

Neverking said...

When does "periodic wineblog reading" become an addiction? And what if we're only addicted to the HMW wineblog (ok and some of Samantha's now and then for spice). Does that mean we are addicted to the antidote? Are we adicted to the 12-step of wine blogging? (Is this too many questions?).... Ooooo.... look! Another installment of the M.S. Conspiracy!

Samantha Dugan said...

That's funny...I read HMW for spice, never thought of Sans Dosage as having much, seasoning but I am flattered!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

You guys aren't helping me with my horrible addiction! How am I supposed to stay away from my life-threatening blog if you people keep posting comments?

My Gorgeous Samantha,

You are as seductively spicy as they come, not a bland gene in your chromosome.

I adore you.

Samantha Dugan said...

I wonder how many of our shared readers are waiting to see if I end up shkaing my "grinder" on you....